Эпизод после Суперкубка, Часть 1

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Then put it in your mouth...

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...with Monkeyshine Beer!

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[MOUTHING]

Wow.

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ANNOUNCER:

Monkeyshine Beer.

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Because it's a jungle out there!

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That commercial always

makes me so sad.

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Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer

and girls run at him...

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...so everything works out okay.

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I meant because the monkey in it

reminds me of Marcel.

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PHOEBE:

I can see that.

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Because they both have those big

brown eyes and the little pouty chin.

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And the fact that

they're both monkeys?

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I wonder if I did the right thing,

giving him away.

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Ross, you had to. He was

humping everything in sight.

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I mean, I have a Malibu Barbie who will

no longer be wearing white to her wedding.

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Remember when he'd borrow your hat...

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...and when you got it back,

there'd be little monkey raisins in it?

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When he did it, it was funny.

When I did it to my boss's hat....

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All of a sudden, I had

this big "attitude problem."

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Hey. Hey.

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-Check it out! Guess what I got?

-Rhythm?

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No. My first fan mail!

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Check it out.

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"Dear Dr. Ramoray:

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Know that I love you and

would do anything to have you."

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My gosh! "Your not-so-secret

admirer, Erika Ford."

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[CHUCKLES]

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Oh, wait.

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"P.S. Enclosed, please find

14 of my eyelashes."

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You know, in Crazy World,

that means you're married.

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It's not addressed to Days Of Our Lives.

This came to your apartment.

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There's no stamp on it.

This woman was in our building.

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Oh, my God.

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I got my very own stalker!

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-Hey, guys.

CHANDLER: Hey.

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RACHEL & MONlCA: Hey.

PHOEBE: Ooh.

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Where are you off to?

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There's this paleontology

conference in L.A.

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So I figured I'd go and drive down

to the zoo and surprise Marcel.

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I think he will be surprised.

Till he realizes he's a monkey...

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...and, uh, you know,

isn't capable of that emotion.

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Oh, Phoebe? That really cute guy

is here again.

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Oh? Oh.

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Okay, so everyone, ahem...

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...pretend I'm telling you a story

and it's really funny.

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So everyone just laugh. Now!

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[ALL LAUGHING]

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I know, I know! Oh.

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-Hello.

-Hi.

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PHOEBE:

Oh.

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I'm Rob Donan.

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Hi, Rob Donan.

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I don't know anything about music,

but I think you're really great.

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Oh, wow. Ha, ha.

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Anyway, I schedule performers

for children's libraries.

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And I was thinking, have you thought

about playing your songs for kids?

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Oh, I would love to have kids...

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[CHUCKLES]

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...hear me play the songs

that I will write for them.

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[CHUCKLES]

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What do you wanna do for dinner?

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We could stay in and cook for ourselves.

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[BOTH LAUGHlNG]

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[lNTERCOM BUZZING]

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-Hello.

ERlKA [OVER SPEAKER]: It's Erika.

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Oh, my God. The stalker!

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ERlKA:

Never mind. lt's open.

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Aah! Aah!

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Yes, hitting her with a frying pan

is a good idea.

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We might wanna have a backup plan,

though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.

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Let's get out of here!

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The one time they're not home!

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Okay. Okay.

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We'll leave.

When we pass her...

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...she won't know me,

because we never met!

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That's how radio stars

escape stalkers!

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[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

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She's coming!

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[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

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ERlKA: lt's me.

- Aah!

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Uh, this is it.

This is how we're gonna die.

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-You ready?

-Wait, wait, wait!

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Hi.

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Erika!

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LlPSON: Mr. Geller?

-Yes, hi.

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Hi. Dean Lipson, zoo administrator.

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I was told you had a question.

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I, uh-- I can't find the monkey I donated

last year. He's a capuchin...

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...answers to the name Marcel?

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Ah. I'm afraid I have some bad news.

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Marcel has passed on.

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Oh, my God. What happened?

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Well, he got sick,

and then he got sicker...

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...and then he got a little better.

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But then he died.

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I can't believe this!

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I'm sorry, Mr. Geller.

But you know, there's an old saying:

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"Sometimes monkeys die."

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It's not a great saying...

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...but it certainly is fitting today.

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-Someone should've called me.

LlPSON: I'm sorry.

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Look, I know this can't

bring him back...

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...but here, it's just a gesture.

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Zoo dollars?

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Yes, and come see the bird show

at 4. The macaws wear hats.

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Well, it's a lot cuter

if your monkey hasn't just died.

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CHlLDREN [IN UNlSON]:

Ooh.

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I know.

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I can't believe Joey's having

lunch with his stalker.

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What is she like?

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-Well, you remember Kathy Bates in Misery?

MONICA: Mm-hm.

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Well, she looks

the exact opposite of that.

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And she's not crazy?

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Oh, no, no.

She's a total wack job.

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Yeah. She thinks that Joey is

actually Dr. Drake Ramoray.

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Oh, my God!

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Oh. And he's going out with her?

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He cannot pursue this.

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Just because this woman thinks she can

see Joey through the magical box...

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...in her living room

doesn't mean she's not a person.

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Does she not deserve happiness?

Does she not deserve love?

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What are you looking at me for?

He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.

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Are you okay?

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No, uh-uh. I'm just nervous.

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Maybe if I just picture them all

in their underwear....

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That's not a good idea. That's

the reason the last guy got fired.

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Oh.

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Yeah.

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I'm used to playing for grownups.

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Grownups drink their coffee

and do their grownup thing, you know.

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And kids...

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...listen.

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It's just a huge responsibility.

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What?

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Are you gonna kiss me?

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I was thinking about it.

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Okay.

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Yeah, okay. Alrighty. Let's play some tunes!

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Hi, everybody. I'm Phoebe.

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ALL [lN UNISON]:

Hi, Phoebe!

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Ha, ha. Okay. Um...

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...I'm gonna play, um, some songs

about grandparents, okay?

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[CLEARS THROAT

THEN STRUMS GUITAR]

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[SlNGlNG] Now Grandma's a person

who everyone likes

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She bought you a train

And a bright shiny bike

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But lately she hasn't

Been coming to dinner

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And last time you saw her

She looked so much thinner

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Now your mom and your dad said

She moved to Peru

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But the truth is she died

And someday you will too

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La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

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-Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing?

-Yeah, it is.

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[BOTH CHUCKLE]

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What?

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Well, here we sit, devil-may-care...

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...and just a little while ago you were

reattaching Simone's spinal cord.

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Yeah, that was a tricky one.

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[JOEY CHUCKLES]

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In reality...

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...that operation takes over 1 0 hours,

but they only showed it for two minutes.

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Who's "they"?

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[CHUCKLlNG]

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No one.

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Oh, Drake, you are so talented.

Let me see those hands.

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-Oh, these hands, these beautiful hands.

-Ha, ha.

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Ha, ha. Oh, I could just eat them.

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-But I won't.

JOEY: Ha, ha.

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Good.

Otherwise my watch would fall off.

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[LAUGHS MANlACALLY]

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No, seriously.

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These hands...

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...these miracle, magical,

life-giving hands.

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Oh, just to be near them, touch them,

maybe even lick one?

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-All right. Ha, ha. Just one.

-Ha-ha-ha.

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[GRUNTS]

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Wow.

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You're good at that.

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[GlGGLES]

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[PLATES BREAK]

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MAN: Oh, my God! Someone!

He's choking!

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Is anyone here a doctor?

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ERlKA:

Oh, yes.

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Yes, the best doctor in Salem!

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Dr. Drake Ramoray!

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Meet me in the nocturnal

house in 1 5 minutes.

00:10:49,565 --> 00:10:54,903

Uh, hey, look. I don't really enjoy

being with other men that way.

00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:57,947

But, um, zoo dollars?

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It's about your monkey.

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It's alive.

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I don't understand.

Why didn't you help that man?

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Uh, because, uh,

I'm a neurosurgeon...

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...and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh...

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..."foodal chokage."

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You know.

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-I gotta tell you something--

-No, no, no.

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You don't have to tell me anything.

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You don't have

to explain yourself to me. Oh!

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Who am I to question

the great Dr. Drake Ramoray?

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-That's--

-I should be happy to be near you.

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Hey, I--

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"Hey" what?

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That's it. Just hey!

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Like at the end of a dance. Hey!

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Hey. Ha-ha-ha.

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Hey.

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[SlNGlNG]

There'll be times when you get older

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when you'll want to sleep with people

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Just to make them like you

But don't

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'Cause

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That's another thing

That you don't wanna do

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Everybody!

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That's another thing

That you don't wanna do

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[ALL APPLAUDlNG]

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-Excellent!

-Very informative!

00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:24,033

Not at all inappropriate!

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Thank you for coming, everybody.

There are cookies in the back.

00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,082

DONAN:

That was great.

00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:32,500

The kids loved you.

00:12:32,668 --> 00:12:33,752

[CHUCKLES]

00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:36,254

Yay! I rock!

00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:39,340

And you know why?

Because you told the truth.

00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:41,676

Nobody ever tells kids the truth.

00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:43,553

You were incredible!

00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:45,889

Ha, ha. But...?

00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:49,809

-How did you know there was a "but"?

-I sense these things.

00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:52,145

It was either "but" or "butter."

00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:56,357

The thing is, I think

some of the parents...

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...they were hoping that...

00:12:58,402 --> 00:13:01,362

...you'd play more songs

about barnyard animals.

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I can do that.

00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:04,115

-Really?

-Yeah.

00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:07,577

-Because that would be fantastic.

-Oh.

00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:10,705

What? You wanna kiss me?

00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:12,582

I'm thinking about it.

00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,586

JANlTOR:

Ah, the bat.

00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:19,297

Ambassador of darkness.

00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:23,593

Flitting out of his cave

like a winged messenger.

00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:27,263

Sightless specter of the macabre.

00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:29,766

Buddy, my monkey?

00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:31,935

Oh, yeah, right.

00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:34,896

There was a break-in...

00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:37,857

...a few months back. Inside job.

00:13:38,025 --> 00:13:39,359

Your monkey was taken.

00:13:39,568 --> 00:13:41,945

Oh, my God. The zoo told me

that my monkey was dead.

00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:44,113

Pfft. The zoo!

00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:46,825

You believe everything

the zoo tells you?

00:13:49,286 --> 00:13:52,831

Uh, that's the only thing

the zoo's ever told me.

00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:56,376

Of course they'll say he's dead.

They don't want the bad publicity.

00:13:56,544 --> 00:13:58,002

It's all a great big cover-up.

00:13:58,170 --> 00:14:02,090

Do you have any idea

how high up this thing goes?

00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:04,008

That guy Lipson?

00:14:04,468 --> 00:14:06,094

Lipson knows?

00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:07,846

Hmm.

00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:09,639

Lipson knows, huh?

00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:12,058

Ah, hello, Mr. Possum.

00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:16,020

Enigma of the trees,

upside-down denizen of the night.

00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:19,315

-Taunting gravity--

-Buddy, my monkey. My monkey?

00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:23,027

Word on the street--

00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:27,532

Well, when I say "street," I mean

those little pretend streets here at the zoo.

00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,117

Of course.

00:14:30,911 --> 00:14:33,454

Your monkey found a new career...

00:14:33,622 --> 00:14:37,041

...in the entertainment field.

That's all I know.

00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:38,293

[SCOFFS]

00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:39,919

This is unbelievable!

00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:45,049

So, what is this information

worth to you, my friend?

00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:48,595

Are you trying

to get me to bribe you?

00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:50,305

Maybe.

00:14:51,473 --> 00:14:54,183

But you already told me everything.

00:15:01,942 --> 00:15:05,612

Check it out. He actually is

the Monkeyshine monkey.

00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:07,822

RACHEL:

Oh, wow. So, what are you gonna do?

00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:11,326

I'm gonna call the beer company

and try to find out where he is.

00:15:11,493 --> 00:15:14,454

That's what I did

when I lost my Clydesdales.

00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:16,998

Okay, hi again!

00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:19,876

ALL [lN UNISON]:

Hi, Phoebe!

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Today, we're gonna start with

some songs about barnyard animals.

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[CHUCKLES THEN STRUMS GUITAR]

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[SlNGlNG]

Oh, the cow in the meadow goes "moo"

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Oh, the cow in the meadow goes "moo"

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Then the farmer hits him on the head

And grinds him up

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And that's how we get hamburgers

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Now chickens

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You're the only one who can save her, Drake!

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Damn it! !'m a doctor, I'm not God!

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Well, there goes my whole belief system.

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[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

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ERlKA:

It's Erika.

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Quick! Quick. Shut off the TV.

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Wait, I wanna see what happens!

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Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma

then we make out.

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How can that be?

You were just kissing Sabrina.

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Rachel, it's a world

where Joey is a neurosurgeon.

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[S!GHS]

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Hey, Erika. Come in.

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How did you get here so fast?

I just saw you in Salem.

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Right, they, uh, choppered me in.

Ha, ha.

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What's up?

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ERlKA:

Oh, you're having a little party too.

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-Is she here, huh, huh?

-Who?

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Sabrina. I know about you two!

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I saw you today, kissing

in the doctor's lounge.

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It's not what you think.

That was--

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You told me I was the only one!

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[CHUCKLES]

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All right, look. That's it.

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We shouldn't see each other anymore.

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I should have told you

a long time ago...

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...but I am not Drake Ramoray, okay?

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I'm not even a doctor. I'm an actor.

I just pretend to be a doctor.

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Oh, my God. Do the people

at the hospital know about this?

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Ha, ha.

Somebody wanna help me out here?

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Oh, I know! I know!

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Where am I?

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University Hospital...

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...the same place you've been

for the last 1 8 years.

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How can you be here and there?

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Ha, ha.

Because it's a television show.

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Drake, what are you getting at?

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I'm not Drake!

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That's right. He's not Drake. He's...

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...Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin!

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[SPEAK!NG INDlST!NCTLY]

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Is this true?

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Yes! Yes, it is true.

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And I know this...

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...because he pretended

to be Drake to sleep with me!

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And then he told me

he would run away with me.

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And he didn't!

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And you left the toilet seat up,

you bastard!

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Is all this true?

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Yes, !'m afraid it is.

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You deserve much better than me, Erika.

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You deserve to be with the real Drake.

He's the one you fell in love with.

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Go to Salem. Find him!

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He's the guy for you.

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Oh, Hans.

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Hans?

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Hans!

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Yo, evil twin!

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Right. Uh, goodbye, Erika.

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Good luck in Salem.

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[ERIKA SlGHS]

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Take care.

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I'll never forget you, Hans.

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Ha, ha. All right.

The people who threw the water!

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Helping you out!

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Fired? Why?

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The library board has had

a lot of complaints from parents...

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-...about some of the stuff in your songs.

-I can't believe it!

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Did you tell your board about how

the kids want to hear the truth?

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No.

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I see.

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Maybe if you just played

some regular kiddie songs?

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No.

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What do you want me to be?

Like some...

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...stupid, big,

like, purple dinosaur?

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You don't have to be Barney.

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-Who's Barney?

-Eh--

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Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this:

He's healthy, he's happy...

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...and he's here in New York filming

Outbreak 2: The Virus Takes Manhattan.

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BOTH:

You're kidding!

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-This is amazing.

-I know.

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I finally get a part on TV,

and the monkey's making movies.

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Okay. Rachel, !'m ready.

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Okay.

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Excuse me. ls this where the

singing lady is who tells the truth?

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Um, yeah, I guess that's me.

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[GASPS]

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She's here!

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[WH!STLES]

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[S!NGlNG]

Sometimes men love women

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And sometimes men love men

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And then there are bisexuals

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Though some just say

They're kidding themselves

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La-la-la-la

La-la-la-la-la-la-la

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La-la-la-la

La-la-la-la-la, la-la

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This is exciting. I haven't

seen my monkey in a year.

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What, you never

look down in the shower?

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Oh, please. !'m not allowed to make

one joke in the "monkey is penis" genre?

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SECURITY GUARD:

Back up, please.

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Back up. Come on, come on.

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Excuse me.

Uh, where can we find the monkey?

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I'm sorry. !t's a closed set.

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I'm sorry, you don't understand.

I'm a friend of his.

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We, uh, used to live together.

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Yeah. And I have a timeshare

in the Poconos with Flipper.

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[CHUCKLES]

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MONICA:

Ross, there he is!

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Hey! Hey, buddy!

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Marcel! Marcel!

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[singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle

The lion sleeps tonight

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In the jungle, the mighty jungle

The lion sleeps tonight

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[ALL SCATTING]

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[MARCEL SQUEAKlNG]

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[GlBBERlNG]

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[S!NGlNG]

They won't take you to the vet

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You're obviously not

Their favorite pet

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-Smelly cat, smelly cat

-Smelly cat, smelly cat

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-It's not your fault

-It's not your fault

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No

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-Ha-ha-ha. !'m sorry.

-What?

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What's wrong with that?

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Um, ahem, I think you might wanna,

like, pick a more masculine note. Heh.

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[English - US - SDH]