Эпизод с джемом

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[JOEY YELLS AND FALLS DOWN]

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See, Joe, that's why your parents

told you not to jump on the bed.

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Hey, look at me. I'm making jam.

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- I've been at it since 4:00 this morning.

- Where'd you get fruit at 4 in the morning?

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Went down at the docks.

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Bet you didn't know

you can get it wholesale.

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I didn't know there were docks.

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[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

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BOTH:

Hey.

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- Aw, is it broken?

- Aw.

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No, but I gotta wear this thing

for a couple weeks.

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Did you tell the doctor you did it

jumping up and down on your bed?

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No. I had a whole story

worked out, but then...

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...Chandler sold me out.

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I'm sorry, Joe.

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I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy

that it just fell out of his socket.

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What is this? Fruit?

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Monica's making jam.

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Jam? I love jam. Hey, how come

we never have jam at our place?

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Because the kids need new shoes.

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I'm going into business, people.

I'm sick of being depressed about Richard.

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I needed a plan.

A plan to get over my man.

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What's the opposite of man? Jam.

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Joey, don't. It's way too hot.

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[GROANS]

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This will just be my batch.

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Um, that's it. No.

Hey you. J. Crew guy...

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Yeah. Why are you following me?

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All week long, everywhere I look,

there's you.

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You wouldn't return my calls.

You sent back my letters.

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- What?

- One more chance, Ursula. Please.

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Oh. Oh.

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Oh. Well, this is awkward.

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- Why?

- Um...

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Yeah, because you want Ursula,

and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters.

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Seriously.

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Oh. That's great.

I'm stalking the wrong woman.

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I am such a dingus!

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Oh, you're not a dingus.

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I just... I want you to know

I didn't used to be like this.

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Before I met your sister,

I was, like, this normal guy...

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...who sold beepers

and cellular phones.

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Well... I mean, look, it's not your fault,

you know?

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I mean, this is just

what she does to guys, okay?

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Just...

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Well, thanks.

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Wait. You know what?

I got a little story.

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When I was in junior high school...

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...I went through this period

where I thought I was a witch.

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And there was this guidance counselor

who said something to me...

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...that I think will help you a lot.

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He said, "Okay, you're not a witch.

You're just an average student."

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- See what I'm saying?

- Not really.

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Um, well, get over it.

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I mean, you just...

You seem like a really nice guy.

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You know, I just...

Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?

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Wait, you're right. I know you're right.

And thanks for being so nice.

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- Here.

- Aah!

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Thanks a lot.

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Do you wanna get a cup of coffee or...?

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- Yeah, okay.

- Okay.

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You don't have to

walk behind me anymore.

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Sorry.

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[BOTH CHUCKLING]

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- Mon?

- Mon?

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"Gone for more jars.

Back later. Monica Geller."

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Wait a minute. Look.

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- Look, look, look.

- What, what, what?

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- It's an empty apartment.

- Mm.

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We're all alone

in an empty apartment.

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Aw, honey, come on. I have to be

at work in, like, 10 minutes and, oh...

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All right. Well, it's not like

I'm employee of the year or anything.

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Ha, ha. Whoo!

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- There it is.

RACHEL: Oh.

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- Oh, that's what you're talking about.

ROSS: Ahem.

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RACHEL: Hey.

- Hey.

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Do I look fat?

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BOTH:

No.

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Okay, I accept that.

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When Janice asked me and I said no...

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...she took that to mean

that I was calling her a cow.

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Okay, walk us through it, honey.

Walk us through it.

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Okay, well, Janice said, uh:

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"Hi. Do I look fat today?"

And I looked at her...

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Whoa, whoa, whoa.

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You looked at her?

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[BOTH CHUCKLING]

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- You never look.

- Mm-mm.

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You just answer. It's like a reflex.

"Do I look fat?" "No."

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"Is she prettier than I am?" "No."

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- "Does size matter?"

- No.

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And it works both ways.

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Okay, so you both just know this stuff?

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You know, after about 30 or 40 fights,

you kind of catch on.

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Okay. For instance, ahem:

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Let's say Janice is coming back from a trip

and she gives you two options.

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Option number one:

She'll take a cab home from the airport.

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Or option two: You can meet her

at baggage claim. What do you do?

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That's easy. Baggage claim.

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Ehh! Wrong. Now you're single.

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It's actually secret option number three.

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You meet her at the gate.

That way she knows you love her.

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RACHEL: Hmm.

- Okay, this is good. This is good.

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All right, listen, I have one.

Janice likes to cuddle...

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...at night, which I'm all for.

- Mm.

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But, uh, you know, when you want

to go to sleep, you want some space.

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So, uh, you know,

how do I tell her that without...

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...you know, accidentally

calling her fat or something?

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Oh. Honey, I'm sorry. We can't help you

there, because we're cuddly sleepers.

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[ROSS & RACHEL GROANING]

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- Okay, I'm late for work.

- Oh.

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- Are you guys gonna come down?

- Uh, yeah. I'm right behind you.

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- Good luck, Chandler.

CHANDLER: Thank you, Rachel.

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ROSS: Bye, sweetie.

- Bye, honey.

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[DOOR CLOSES]

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Okay, the sleeping thing.

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Very tricky business

but there is something you can do.

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- I thought you were cuddly sleepers.

- No.

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No, not cuddly. Not me. Just her.

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I'm like you. I need the room. Ahem.

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Okay, come here. Ahem.

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Okay. You're in bed.

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Yeah?

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- I'm gonna use the cushion.

- Yeah.

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Okay. You're in bed.

She's over on your side cuddling.

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Now, you wait for her to drift off...

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...and then you hug her...

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...and roll her over

to her side of the bed.

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And then you...

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...roll away.

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Hug for her.

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Roll for you.

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- Okay, the old "hug and roll."

- Yep.

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- Okay. One question.

- Shoot.

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You're pretending

the pillow's a girl, right?

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Remember when you were a kid...

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...and your mom would

drop you off at the movies...

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...with a jar ofjam and a little spoon?

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You're so pretty.

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- Hi.

ALL: Hey, Phoebe.

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Hey, oh! You know that guy who's been

following me? I talked to him today.

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[MUMBLING] You talked to him?

Are you crazy?

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Okay, first, I'm not crazy.

And second, say it. Don't spray it.

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[JOEY GROANS]

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Anyway, his name is Malcolm,

and he wasn't following me.

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I mean, he was, but just because

he thought I was Ursula. Ick.

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And that's why... That's why he

couldn't just come up and talk to me.

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Because of the restraining order.

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Hmm. Not feeling better about Malcolm.

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Oh! No, no, no, he's not like a kook.

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No, he's just this, like, very passionate,

incredibly romantic guy...

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...that just got a teensy bit

carried away, you know?

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And we just get along really well,

and he's so cute.

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Oh, my God. You've got a crush

on your sister's stalker.

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No, I'm just gonna help him, you know,

get "de-Ursula-ized."

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Like, you know... Like I did for Joey

after he went out with her.

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Yeah, but I didn't stalk her. I mean...

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I asked for the news,

not the weather.

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[GROANS]

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- Hey, guys.

ALL: Hey, Mon.

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Joey, this is for you.

It's blackberry currant.

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Aw.

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Oh.

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Yeah.

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Hey, Joe, I gotta ask.

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The girl from the Xerox place,

buck naked...

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...or a big tub of jam?

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Put your hands together.

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Joey, take your time with that.

That's my last batch.

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No more jam?

00:10:22,538 --> 00:10:24,581

What happened to your jam plan?

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Well, I figured out I'd need to charge

17 bucks a jar just to break even.

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So I've got a new plan now. Babies.

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Well, you're gonna need

much bigger jars.

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- What are you talking about?

- About me having a baby.

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- Are you serious?

- Yeah.

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The great thing about the jam plan was

I was take control of my life.

00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:50,690

So I asked myself, "What is

the most important thing to me?"

00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:53,568

And that's when I came up

with the baby plan.

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Well, aren't you forgetting something?

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What is, uh...?

What is that guy's name? Dad.

00:11:01,410 --> 00:11:04,996

It took me 28 years to find one man

that I wanted to spend my life with.

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If I have to wait another 28 years,

then I'll be 56 before I can have a baby.

00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:11,336

And that's just stupid.

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That's what's stupid?

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I don't need an actual man.

Just a couple of his best swimmers.

00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:25,809

You know? And there are places

that you can go to get that stuff.

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Down at the docks again?

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[POLICE SIRENS WAILING

IN THE DISTANCE]

00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:40,782

Night-night, Bing-a-ling.

00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:43,993

Night-night...

00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:46,413

...Janice.

00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:52,961

CHANDLER:

Look at all that room on her side.

00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:55,004

You could fit a giant penguin over there.

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That'd be weird, though.

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Hug and roll time.

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I'm hugging. I'm hugging.

00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:07,308

You're rolling, and...

00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:09,561

Yes! Freedom!

00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:12,147

Except for this arm.

00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:15,066

I'm stuck. Stuck arm.

00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:19,696

Okay, time for the old tablecloth trick.

One fluid motion.

00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:21,698

Quick like a cat. Quick like a cat.

00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:24,993

And one, two...

00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:26,619

...three.

00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,003

Here's my binoculars.

00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:37,630

Oh, great. Great. You're doing great.

00:12:37,798 --> 00:12:41,009

You know, real strong. Going strong.

Keep going.

00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,970

These are my night-vision goggles.

00:12:44,972 --> 00:12:48,349

This is the book I pretend to read

when I'm watching her in the park.

00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:52,479

And these are Madlibs.

They're just for fun.

00:12:52,646 --> 00:12:54,689

Oh, yeah. Ha, ha. What's this?

00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:59,569

Oh. This is the log I kept,

recording her every movement.

00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:03,698

- You want to hear something from it?

- Um, not even a little bit.

00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:07,160

- It's about you.

- Oh, okay, then.

00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:08,536

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

00:13:13,083 --> 00:13:15,251

- "I met Phoebe today.

- Ha, ha.

00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:17,879

She was really nice to me

even though I'm such a loser."

00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,255

Oh.

00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:23,092

"And then when I was walking home,

I thought about her a lot.

00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:26,387

It was weird but kind of cool."

00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:28,932

Good. Ha, ha.

00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:31,726

So, what were you thinking?

00:13:33,103 --> 00:13:35,730

I was thinking what it'd be like

to kiss you.

00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,065

- Really?

- No.

00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:38,483

Oh.

00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:43,905

See, that's just something I said now

so that maybe I could kiss you.

00:13:44,406 --> 00:13:46,324

- Oh, okay.

- Ha!

00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:55,124

No, it's all right.

I just had a jar of mustard.

00:13:56,585 --> 00:14:01,714

Okay. Sperm donor number 03815,

come on down!

00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:04,592

Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds.

00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,804

And he describes himself

as a male Geena Davis.

00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:10,056

You mean there's more than one of us?

00:14:12,142 --> 00:14:15,353

You can't do this, Mon, all right?

If you do this, I'm gonna...

00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:18,314

- You're gonna what?

- I'm gonna tell Mom.

00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:22,777

Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right.

I love you, but you're crazy.

00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:25,947

- Crazy.

- What? Why? Why is this crazy?

00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:28,825

- So this isn't the ideal way to do something...

- Oh, it's not...

00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:31,035

Lips moving. Still talking.

00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:33,830

It may not be ideal...

00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,291

...but I'm so ready.

00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:39,168

You know, I see the way

Ben looks at you.

00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:41,796

It makes me ache, you know?

00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:44,132

Check it out. Jam crackers.

00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,722

Okay. All right, how's this?

00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,933

Twenty-seven. Italian-American guy.

00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:55,768

He's an actor.

00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:57,687

Born in Queens.

00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:01,441

Wow. Big family. Seven sisters...

00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:05,194

...and he's the only boy.

00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:11,910

Oh, my God. Under personal comments:

"New York Knicks rule."

00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:13,620

Yeah, the Knicks rule.

00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:19,667

Joey, this is you.

00:15:20,127 --> 00:15:21,502

Let me see.

00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:25,006

Oh, right.

00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:28,176

When did you go to a sperm bank?

00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:31,137

Right after I did that sex study at NYU.

00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:33,932

Hey, remember that sweater

I gave you for your birthday?

00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:36,517

And that's how you bought it?

00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:40,480

No. That's what I was wearing

when I donated.

00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:46,235

I'm kind of surprised

there's any of my boys left.

00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:48,613

Well, honey, it is pretty competitive.

00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:51,366

I mean, I've got an actual

rocket scientist here.

00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,284

Hey, maybe I should call this place...

00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:55,954

...and get them to put my

Days ofour Lives gig on here.

00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:57,872

You know? Juice this puppy up a little.

00:15:58,707 --> 00:15:59,707

[DOOR OPENS]

00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,250

ROSS: Hey!

- Hello.

00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:02,669

ROSS:

How's the maniac?

00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:06,130

Oh, he's yummy.

We did a little kissing. Aah!

00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:08,716

Phoebe, what are you doing?

00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:10,551

Oh, no, no, no. You know what?

00:16:10,719 --> 00:16:13,888

He's not into that anymore.

He quit for me. Mm-hm.

00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:17,725

Pheebs, this guy has been

obsessed with your sister...

00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:19,894

...for God knows how long, okay?

00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:22,063

You don't just give up something

like that.

00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:25,692

Look, he gave me his night-vision

goggles and everything.

00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:30,655

You're taking the word of a guy

who has night-vision goggles?

00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:34,701

What? He's not still following her.

You think he's still following her?

00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:37,954

Pheebs, wake up and smell

the restraining order.

00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,249

What should I do?

00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:44,502

I think that if you really like this guy,

you should just trust him.

00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:45,920

Thank you, Monica.

00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,673

Or you could follow him

and see where he goes.

00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,175

Oh, that's what I would do. Forget mine.

00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,680

RACHEL:

Oh, my God. What happened?

00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,433

Oh, God. Crazy Chandler,

he spun me...

00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,393

...off the bed.

00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:04,272

- Wow. Spinning. That sounds like fun.

- Oh.

00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:05,523

[LAUGHING NASALLY]

00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:07,108

I wish.

00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:11,404

No, you know, he was just trying

Ross' "hug and roll" thing.

00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:15,491

Ross' what?

00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:20,038

You know, like, where he hugs you

and then he kind of rolls you away, and...

00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:27,045

Oh, my God.

00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:02,538

- Phoebe?

- Yes? Yes! Oh.

00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:04,791

What are you doing?

00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:07,585

Oh, I was just here

looking for my, um...

00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:11,631

My part of an old sandwich.

Here it is! Oh!

00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:15,176

Were you following me?

00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:17,261

Um, perhaps.

00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:20,223

Yes. Yes. I'm sorry.

00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:24,102

I'm sorry. I was just afraid

that you were still hung up on my sister.

00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,437

So you spied on me.

00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,232

I can't believe you don't trust me.

00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:39,534

Oh, well, what do you know?

There goes my identical twin sister.

00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:42,328

Just walking along, looking like me.

00:18:43,705 --> 00:18:47,667

What is this, just a freakish coincidence,

or did you know that she takes this train?

00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:50,628

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:53,047

I tried to stop, but I couldn't.

00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:55,466

I'm so pathetic.

00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:59,804

No, no, it's not your fault.

You know, it's partly my fault.

00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:02,348

It's because I made you quit cold turkey.

00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:03,766

It's too hard, you know?

00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:07,937

Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you

anymore, because you're, you know:

00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:09,605

Wow!

00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:15,236

But, um... But I will definitely, definitely

help you get over my sister. Okay?

00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:18,447

Just stalk me for a while, huh?

00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:22,869

Yeah, and I'll be like an Ursula patch.

00:19:23,036 --> 00:19:24,871

Uh-huh. I don't know.

00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:27,748

Yeah, just... Okay, look, I'm going.

00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:29,208

Um, come on.

00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:34,255

Ooh, ooh, behind the pillar.

Ooh, which way am I gonna go? Aah!

00:19:36,049 --> 00:19:37,258

- Hey.

- Hey.

00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:39,010

- Where you going?

- To the bank.

00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,804

Huh. Sperm or regular?

00:19:43,098 --> 00:19:44,765

Sperm.

00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:46,309

So you're really doing it, huh?

00:19:46,476 --> 00:19:49,854

Oh, yeah. I picked a guy, 37135.

00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,147

He sounds nice.

00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:54,275

I'd say so.

He's got brown hair and green eyes.

00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:56,360

No kidding? Hmm.

00:19:56,528 --> 00:19:59,280

- What?

- I figured you'd have picked a blond guy.

00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:01,240

Really? Why?

00:20:01,408 --> 00:20:03,284

I don't know.

I always pictured you ending up...

00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:06,954

...with one of those tall, smart, blond guys,

name like...

00:20:07,122 --> 00:20:08,122

...Hoyt.

00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:12,001

- Hoyt?

- It's a name. Yeah.

00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:17,798

I saw you in this... You know,

this great house with a big pool.

00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:20,676

- Yeah? Is he a swimmer?

- Ha.

00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:23,554

He's got the body for it. Ha, ha.

00:20:23,722 --> 00:20:25,806

I like that.

00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:27,975

[LAUGHING]

00:20:28,143 --> 00:20:31,562

- Ha, ha. What?

- You guys have one of those signs that says:

00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:34,440

"We don't swim in your toilet,

so don't pee in our pool."

00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:36,692

We do not have one of those signs.

00:20:36,860 --> 00:20:38,444

Sure you do. It was a gift from me.

00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:42,907

Oh! And you have three great kids.

00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:46,160

- Two girls and a boy?

- Yeah!

00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:49,163

And they wear those little water wings,

you know...

00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:50,998

...and they're running around

on the deck.

00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:54,085

And then Hoyt wraps this big towel

around all three of them.

00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,670

Sure.

00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:04,595

Uh, but, hey, you know,

this way sounds good too.

00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,682

Yeah.

00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:12,853

Oh, Monica.

00:21:20,153 --> 00:21:22,363

Wow, this guy's an astronaut?

00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:26,284

That would have been cool...

00:21:26,868 --> 00:21:28,911

...for, like, a day. Ah-ah!

00:21:36,044 --> 00:21:37,420

I called the sperm bank today.

00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:40,840

They haven't sold a single unit

of Tribbiani.

00:21:41,383 --> 00:21:42,883

Nobody wants my product.

00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:47,013

I mean, I don't get it, you know?

00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:52,518

I mean...

00:21:53,478 --> 00:21:55,313

...maybe if they met me in person.

00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,733

Uh, honey, you got a little thing on your...

00:21:58,900 --> 00:22:01,068

- Oh.

RACHEL: Yeah.

00:22:03,822 --> 00:22:05,114

Get it?

00:22:05,741 --> 00:22:07,074

Yeah.

00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,576

[DOOR OPENS]

00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:13,456

Hello.

00:22:17,210 --> 00:22:18,627

Hey.

00:22:19,838 --> 00:22:21,088

Uh...

00:22:21,757 --> 00:22:24,133

Chan, can I, uh...?

Could I talk to you for a second?

00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:26,385

- Sure. What's up?

- Uh, ha, ha.

00:22:26,553 --> 00:22:29,347

Just one, uh...

One additional relationship thought.

00:22:29,514 --> 00:22:32,475

Um, something you're probably,

uh, already familiar with.

00:22:32,642 --> 00:22:34,352

Uh, women talk.

00:22:42,986 --> 00:22:44,987

[English - US - SDH]