Эпизод с метафорическим туннелем

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Welcome, everybody.

Welcome to Amazing Discoveries.

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[RACHEL SQUEALS]

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Oh, oh! It's on again.

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- Guys, could we please not watch this?

ALL: Shh.

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Folks, this ever happen to you?

You go to get a nice glass of milk...

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...but these darn cartons are so

flinging, flanging hard to open.

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Boy, you said it, Mike.

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Aw. Aw.

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- There's gotta be a better way.

- And there is, Kevin.

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- Can we please turn this off?

- No way, Kevin.

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What if I told you

there's a new product that guarantees...

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...you'll never have to open up

milk cartons again?

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Meet the Milkmaster 2000.

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AUDIENCE [ON TV]:

Ooh.

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- Intrigued?

- You're flinging, flanging right I am.

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This is his first time. He's never used this.

You're gonna see how easy this is to do.

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- This works in any milk carton.

- Wow, it is easy. Ha, ha.

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Now I can have milk every day.

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AUDIENCE:

Ah.

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It's official. There are no good movies.

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So let's go to a bad one and make out.

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[JANICE LAUGHS]

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Ew.

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Perhaps you would like me to turn like this

so you can bunny-bump against my back?

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- Hey.

- Hey.

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- Hey, man. What's up?

- Maybe you can tell me.

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My agent would like to know

why I didn't show up at my audition today...

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...the first good thing she gets me in weeks.

How could you not give me the message?

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I'll tell you, I do enjoy guilt...

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...but it wasn't me.

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Yes, it was. It was him. Uh-huh.

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Okay, it was me.

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- How was it you?

- Well, it was all so crazy, you know?

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Chandler was in the closet

counting to 10 and was up to seven...

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...and I hadn't found a place to hide yet.

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Look, I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all

down on my hand. See? All of it.

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JOEY: Yep, that's my audition.

- Yeah.

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See? Now, this is why I keep

notepads everywhere.

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Yep. And that's why we don't

invite you to play.

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What is the great tragedy here?

Get yourself another appointment.

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Well, Estelle tried. The casting director

told her I missed my chance.

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Well, that is unfair.

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I'll call her.

I'll tell her it was totally my fault.

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You can't.

The casting director doesn't talk to friends.

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- She only talks to agents.

- What a sad little life she must lead.

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Okay. Ooh.

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- What are you doing? What are you doing?

- No, I know, I know. Ooh.

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[IN HIGH VOICE] Hi, this is Caitlin

from Phoebe Buffay's office.

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Um, is, um, Anne there for Phoebe?

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She'll know what it's about.

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Hang up. Hang up right...

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[IN BROOKLYN ACCENT] Annie? Hi. Listen,

we've got a problem with Joey Tribbiani.

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Apparently, he missed his audition.

Who did you speak to in my office?

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Estelle? I don't know

what I'm gonna do with her.

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So your husband leaves and burns down

the apartment. The world does not stop.

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Is anybody else scared?

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If Joey loses this audition,

then that is it for Estelle. I don't care.

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Annie, you are a doll.

What time can you see him?

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[WHISPERS]

I need a pen. Pen.

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Get the woman a pad.

Get the woman a pad. A pad! A pad!

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Oh, now you want a pad.

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[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

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- Hey.

- Hello.

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Where's my boy?

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Here's my boy.

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And here's his Barbie.

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What's, uh...?

What's my boy doing with a Barbie?

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He picked it out at the toy store himself.

He loves it.

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He carries it everywhere,

like a security blanket.

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But with ski boots and a kicky beret.

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Yeah, it's cute.

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Why does he have it again?

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So he's got a doll. So what?

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Unless you're afraid

he's gonna grow up to be...

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...in show business.

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This wouldn't have to do with the fact

that he's being raised by two women?

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You know what? It's fine. If you're

okay with the Barbie thing, so am I.

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Give Daddy the Barbie.

Give me the Barbie. Okay, how about...?

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Don't you wanna play

with a monster truck?

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[MIMICS ENGINE REVVING]

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No? Okay.

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Ooh, ooh. How about a Dino-Soldier?

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[SQUAWKING]

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You are so pathetic.

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Why can't your son

just play with his doll?

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I gotta go to work.

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Has anybody seen my left boob?

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I loved that movie.

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Here it is. Joey, what are you doing?

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I'm sorry. It just felt nice.

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[PHONE RINGING]

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Joe. Joe. Answer the phone.

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I only got one arm. You should do stuff

for me. Get me a sweater.

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Just do it. It's Janice.

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And if I get it,

I'm gonna have to see her tonight.

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[PHONE STOPS RINGING]

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Oh, that's great.

I'm gonna have to see her tonight.

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Why don't you wanna see Janice?

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Last night at dinner,

when the meals came...

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...she put half her chicken piccata

on my plate and took all my tomatoes.

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And that's bad...

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...because you hate chicken piccata?

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No.

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You didn't wanna share your tomatoes.

Tomatoes are very important to you.

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All of a sudden, we were this couple.

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And this alarm started going off

in my head.

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"Run for your life!

Get out of the building!"

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Ugh. Men are unbelievable.

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What is it with you people?

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The minute you feel something,

you have to run away?

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I know. That...

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That's why I don't wanna go tonight.

I'm afraid I'm gonna say something stupid.

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Oh. You mean that guy thing

where you act mean and distant...

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...until you get us to break up with you?

RACHEL: Mm-hm.

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Hey, you know about that?

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What do I do? I wanna get past this.

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I don't wanna be afraid

of the commitment thing.

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I wanna go through the tunnel

to the other side.

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- Where there's no fear of commitment.

- Ah.

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Do we have any...?

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Do we have any thoughts here?

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I've never been through

the tunnel myself because...

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...you're not allowed through

with more than one girl in the car.

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Hmm.

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But it seems to me it's pretty much

like anything else. Face your fear.

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You have a fear of heights?

Go to the top of the building.

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You're afraid of bugs.

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Get a bug.

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Right?

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You have a fear of commitment.

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So I say you go in there and you be

the most committed guy there ever was.

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Amazingly, that makes sense.

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- Do you think?

- Oh, yeah. Go for it, man.

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Jump off the high dive.

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Stare down the barrel of the gun.

Pee into the wind.

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Joe, if I'm staring down

the barrel of a gun...

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...I'm gonna be pretty much peeing

every which way.

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[PAGER BEEPING]

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Ooh, it's your audition

from this morning.

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RACHEL: Ooh.

JOEY: Oh.

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Can I use the phone?

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Sure, that's what it's there for.

Emergencies and, uh, pretend agents.

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[CLEARS THROAT]

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Come on, baby. Come on.

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[IN HIGH VOICE]

Hi. I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page.

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Okay, well, she's in her car.

I'll have to patch you through.

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Very nice touch.

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Okay, go ahead.

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[PHOEBE GIGGLES]

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- Talk, talk, talk.

- Oh, oh. Um... Ahem.

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[IN BROOKLYN ACCENT]

Hi, Annie?

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Fantastic.

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- [IN NORMAL VOICE] You got it.

- Oh! You got it.

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[IN BROOKLYN ACCENT]

Um, will he work for scale, you ask me?

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Well, I don't know about that.

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JOEY: Ahem.

- Except that I do and he will.

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Great. Oh, you are such a sweetheart.

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I would love to have lunch with you.

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How about we have lunch next...?

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[IN NORMAL VOICE]

Oop, went through a tunnel. Ha, ha.

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Unbelievable.

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- Oh, thank you so much.

PHOEBE: Ha, ha.

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It was really fun. I mean,

I've never talked on a car phone before.

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Oh. You are so amazing.

Could you do me this huge favor?

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There's this one other audition I want,

and Estelle couldn't get me in.

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Uh, I don't know.

It was fun one time, but...

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Come on, please?

It would just be this one more.

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Well, actually it's two.

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- Two?

- Yeah.

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Well, really it's three.

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Please? You're so good at it. I love you.

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Okay. But just these three, right?

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No, it's four.

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So how come you wanted

to eat in tonight?

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Because I wanted...

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...to give you this.

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Oh. Are you a puppy!

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Contact paper.

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You never know what to say

when someone you're sleeping with...

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...gives you contact paper. Ha, ha.

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Wait, there's more.

See, the contact paper is to go...

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...in your brand-new drawer.

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See, the drawer actually goes

in my dresser.

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Oh. You didn't have to do this.

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Yes, I did.

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Yes, I did. Because you're my girlfriend...

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...and that's what girlfriends should get.

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Oh. Well, I gotta buy a vowel...

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...because, oh, my God. Mwah.

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Who would've thought that someday...

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...Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer?

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Well, not me.

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But that's what's happened.

And, uh, there's more.

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We should take a trip.

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We should?

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Yup. We're a couple,

and that's what couples do.

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And I wanna meet your parents.

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We should take a trip with your parents.

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[LAUGHING]

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I don't think we need to,

because you're tripping me out right now.

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- Are you okay?

- No, I am.

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Ha, ha. I actually am. This is amazing.

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My entire life, I have feared this place.

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And now that I'm here, it's like,

what was the big deal?

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I could probably say,

"Let's move in together," and I'd be okay.

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You probably want us

to move in together?

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[SPUTTERS]

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- It doesn't scare me.

- Yeah, well it scares me.

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I'm not even divorced yet.

You just invited me over here for pasta...

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...and all of a sudden

you're talking about moving in together.

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And I wasn't even that hungry.

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You know what? It's getting really late,

and I should just, um...

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Don't go. I've scared you.

I've said too much.

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I'm hopeless and awkward

and desperate for love.

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Hey, Janice, it's me.

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Uh, ahem.

00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:33,418

I wanted to apologize in advance

for having chased you down the street.

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Bye-bye.

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Here you go, honey. This will help.

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So I catch up to her and she says...

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...this relationship's going too fast

and we have to slow down.

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- Ugh.

- Ugh. That is never good.

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Then I got all...

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...needy and clingy.

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Now, wait a minute. Maybe it's not so bad.

How did you leave it?

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She said she'd call me.

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[RACHEL & MONICA GROAN]

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Oh, God.

00:13:05,409 --> 00:13:08,745

Ugh. Welcome to our side of the tunnel.

00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:11,831

This ice cream tastes like crap,

by the way.

00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:15,627

Yeah, well,

it's that low-cal, nondairy, soy-milk junk.

00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,755

We save the real stuff

for the truly terminal cases.

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When you start getting screwed over

all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat.

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Yeah, you do.

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So you don't think I'm terminal?

00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:32,101

Oh, no, not at all. You're not terminal.

We just need some damage control.

00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:34,145

Okay. Okay. So should I call her?

00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:36,064

RACHEL & MONICA:

No.

00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:40,735

It's a critical time. If you feel yourself

reaching for that phone...

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...you go shopping,

you get your butt in a bubble bath.

00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:47,158

If you want her back,

you have got to start acting aloof.

00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:49,410

She has to know you're not needy.

00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:51,371

So, what you have to do is...

00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:54,499

...you have to accidentally run into her

on purpose...

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...and then act aloof.

00:13:58,170 --> 00:14:00,755

So I'm not gonna lose her?

00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:03,508

Oh, honey, you're not a total loser.

00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:09,264

I said, so I'm not gonna lose her?

00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:12,058

Oh.

00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:18,189

Guess who's here.

00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,401

It's the toughest guy in Toyland, Ben.

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[SINGING] Real American hero

I'm G.I. Joe

00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:28,324

Drop the Barbie. Drop the Barbie.

00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:32,120

G.I. Joe?

You really think he's gonna fall for that?

00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:36,749

G.I. Joe? Cool. Can I play?

00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:42,255

Look, Ben. It's a toy that protects

U.S. Oil interests overseas.

00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,507

BOTH:

Go, Joe!

00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:46,968

Hello. Oh.

00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,387

- Phoebe, there you are.

- No, it's not. Sorry.

00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:52,307

But, Phoebe, wait, wait. Phoebe. Phoebe.

00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:55,602

Oh, Joey. Oh, okay.

See, I didn't recognize you...

00:14:55,769 --> 00:14:57,353

...in those pants.

00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:01,649

That TV movie I went in for,

did you hear anything?

00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,610

I think I got a shot at it.

00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:05,528

Yes, they called. You didn't get it.

00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:06,738

[JOEY SIGHS]

00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:10,617

Okay? I mean, you didn't get it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:13,286

That's okay. These things happen.

00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:16,289

But they shouldn't happen.

You know what?

00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:18,625

You're in a terrible, terrible business.

00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:23,421

I don't wanna be the person

who makes your face look like that. Ugh.

00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:26,424

I'm okay. See?

00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:29,844

Now you're sad and creepy.

00:15:30,387 --> 00:15:32,639

You know what? I'm sorry. I quit, okay?

00:15:32,806 --> 00:15:36,476

No, no, no, you can't quit.

You're the best agent I ever had.

00:15:36,685 --> 00:15:40,188

Look, rejection is part of being an actor.

You can't take it personal.

00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:45,026

Not personal? They said they'd never met

an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent.

00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,153

They actually said that?

00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:51,324

Yeah. Oh, God, there's that face again.

See? I can't do this job.

00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:53,743

No, this is why you have to do this job.

00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:55,119

Agents always lie.

00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:58,289

Estelle just says stuff like,

"They went another way."

00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:00,333

But this? I can use this.

00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:03,378

[IN BAD ITALIAN ACCENT]

I can work on a new accent.

00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,507

Yeah, okay. No.

If it helps you, okay. Yeah.

00:16:07,716 --> 00:16:11,135

[IN SLOW MOTION]

You'll never get me, Joe!

00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:13,304

[MIMICS GUNFIRE IN SLOW MOTION]

00:16:16,183 --> 00:16:17,225

[GROANS]

00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:26,025

No, thank you.

00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,821

Chandler.

00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:32,323

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]

Hello, Janice.

00:16:34,576 --> 00:16:36,869

What are you doing here?

00:16:37,037 --> 00:16:38,830

Uh, just a bit of shopping.

00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,873

How have you been?

00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:44,419

Are you being British?

00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,087

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

No.

00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:48,256

Not anymore.

00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:52,051

Why are you shopping here?

You don't live in this neighborhood.

00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:54,262

Were you here waiting for me?

00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:55,722

[CHANDLER SCOFFS]

00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:57,181

Yuh-huh.

00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:00,059

I'm just, uh, you know...

00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:02,687

...picking up some things for a party.

00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:06,399

Barley?

00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:08,693

What kind of a party serves barley?

00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:11,988

Well, I'm sorry if my friends

aren't as sophisticated as yours.

00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:15,950

- Where is this party?

- Here in Chelsea.

00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:17,910

Whose party is it?

00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,455

- A woman's.

- What woman?

00:17:21,957 --> 00:17:23,708

Chelsea.

00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:28,421

Either you're seeing somebody

behind my back...

00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:31,257

...which would make you

the biggest jerk on the planet...

00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:33,676

...or you're pretending

you're seeing somebody...

00:17:33,844 --> 00:17:37,513

...which just makes you so pathetic

I could just start crying right here.

00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:41,267

So which of these two guys

do you wanna be?

00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:44,479

Can I be that guy?

00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:50,902

Okay, we got some more good rejections.

Lots of stuff to work on.

00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:53,237

Oh. Okay. Shoot.

00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:56,115

Okay. Um... Oh, the zoo commercial.

00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:57,533

- I didn't get it?

- No.

00:17:57,701 --> 00:18:01,662

They said that you

"weren't believable as a human being."

00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:05,583

So you can work on that.

00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,543

Great. What else?

00:18:07,711 --> 00:18:11,672

Um, the off-Broadway-play people said

that you were "pretty but dumb."

00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,175

- Oh.

- No, wait, I'm sorry. That's "pretty dumb."

00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:18,012

Oh. Look, it's okay, no, no, no. Really.

00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:19,514

Look, um...

00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:22,308

...I really appreciate this, Pheebs...

00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,894

...but I'm gonna have to go back

to Estelle.

00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:26,104

Oh.

00:18:26,271 --> 00:18:28,689

Don't get me wrong.

You're a better agent than she is...

00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:32,735

...but at least with her, I don't wanna

blow my pretty dumb brains out.

00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:35,947

Yeah, no, I understand.

00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,824

- You do? Thanks. Okay.

- Yeah.

00:18:37,991 --> 00:18:39,617

Sorry.

00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:44,038

- Wait a minute.

PHOEBE: What?

00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:45,456

Wait a minute.

00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:49,085

Did you just make all that stuff up

to get out of being my agent?

00:18:49,253 --> 00:18:51,629

Oh, he caught me.

00:18:53,048 --> 00:18:54,215

I am so busted.

00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:55,758

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:58,594

[IN BAD ITALIAN ACCENT]

That's what I suspected.

00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:04,058

And then I just, you know...

00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:08,229

...threw the bag of barley at her

and ran out of the store.

00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:12,733

My God, Chandler, we said be aloof,

not a doof.

00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:17,238

I've actually ruined this, haven't I?

00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:20,324

It's time

for the good ice cream now, right?

00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:22,827

- Yeah, it is.

- Okay.

00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:26,205

You know what?

Everything's gonna be okay.

00:19:26,373 --> 00:19:28,583

[PHONE RINGS]

00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:30,459

Hello?

00:19:31,378 --> 00:19:33,045

Hi, Janice.

00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:34,922

Can you hold on for a second?

00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:36,757

Okay. Okay.

00:19:36,925 --> 00:19:38,050

What do I do?

00:19:38,218 --> 00:19:40,178

I don't know. This is unprecedented.

00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:43,055

If we ever did what you did,

a man would never call.

00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:44,265

Hello?

00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:47,435

I got it. Pretend you just woke up.

That'll throw her off.

00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:49,770

- Be sleepy.

- Yes. And grumpy.

00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:52,648

What are you...? Stop naming dwarves.

00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:57,778

Hello, Janice. Hi.

00:19:57,946 --> 00:20:00,573

I'm so glad that you called.

00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:06,204

I know I've been acting

really weird lately...

00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:10,583

...and it's just because

I'm crazy about you...

00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:17,423

...and I just got stupid and scared...

00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:19,550

...and stupid a couple more times.

00:20:20,844 --> 00:20:21,886

And I'm sorry.

00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:24,931

Really?

00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:28,434

Ha, ha. Really?

00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,937

He's so lucky. If Janice were a guy...

00:20:31,104 --> 00:20:33,940

...she'd be sleeping

with somebody else by now.

00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,525

I love you too.

00:20:36,693 --> 00:20:38,402

Ugh. It's so unfair.

00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:48,788

G.I. Joe? G.I. Joe?

00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:52,792

Hey, I don't know what to tell you guys.

That's the doll he chose.

00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,503

What'd you do, dip it in sugar?

00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:58,130

Look, G.I. Joe's in, Barbie's out.

00:20:58,298 --> 00:21:01,717

And if you guys can't deal with it,

that's just your too bad.

00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:07,640

What are you being such a weenie for?

So he has a Barbie. Big deal.

00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:09,934

You used to dress up like a woman.

00:21:16,024 --> 00:21:17,775

What?

00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:20,278

The way you used to dress up

in Mom's clothes?

00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:22,363

What are you talking about?

00:21:22,614 --> 00:21:25,533

The big hat, the pearls,

the little pink handbag?

00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:28,369

Okay. You are totally making this up.

00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:30,871

How can you not remember?

00:21:31,039 --> 00:21:32,748

You made us call you "Bea"?

00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:41,173

Oh, God.

00:21:41,717 --> 00:21:45,261

I've literally never been this happy.

00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:47,555

Wasn't there a little song?

00:21:47,764 --> 00:21:50,182

Oh, please, God, let there be a song.

00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:52,560

There was no song. There was no song.

00:21:52,728 --> 00:21:54,145

[SINGING]

I am Bea

00:21:54,646 --> 00:21:56,397

- I drink tea...

- That's enough.

00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:57,982

MONICA:

Won't you?

00:21:58,150 --> 00:21:59,191

Oh.

00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:00,776

[SINGING]

Won't you?

00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:02,778

Won't you?

00:22:04,406 --> 00:22:06,866

- Won't you dance around with me?

- Ha-ha-ha.

00:22:13,206 --> 00:22:16,000

[SINGING]

I am Bea

00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:18,878

I drink tea

00:22:19,046 --> 00:22:23,632

Won't you dance around with...?

00:22:26,511 --> 00:22:28,596

[WHINES]

00:22:31,141 --> 00:22:32,308

[GRUNTS]

00:22:33,685 --> 00:22:35,603

Ross!

00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:46,197

[English - US - SDH]