Эпизод со штучкой Росса

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We could call it Chuck.

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Or Dick.

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- Hey.

CHANDLER & JOEY: Hey.

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Listen, I need a favor.

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I was in the shower, and as I was...

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...cleansing myself, I, uh...

Well, I felt something.

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Was it like a sneeze, only better?

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No, no. I mean, like, a thing on my body.

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Well, what was it?

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Well, I don't know.

It's kind of in a place that's not...

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It's not visually accessible to me.

And I was hoping maybe you guys...

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...could help me out.

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- Whoa!

- Whoa! No.

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Come on, you guys.

It's no big deal.

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BOTH:

Hey, hey, hey.

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Huh.

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Well, what is it? Is it a mole?

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No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.

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Ew. Is it...? What, a pimple?

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No, it's...

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...fancier than a pimple.

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- Look, Ross, just go see a doc...

- Guys, what's...?

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Okay, well, it's definite.

Two more weeks of winter.

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- Yeah, right.

- Ah.

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And, um, this is the coffeehouse.

This is where I play my music.

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- Good deal.

- Yeah, and these are my friends.

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People? This is Vince.

Vince, the people.

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RACHEL:

Hi.

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- Hey.

- Vince is a fireman.

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Wow. Have you ever rescued anyone

from a burning building before?

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Ninety-eight hot saves.

Highest on the force.

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Well, you know, if Joey and I

play with matches...

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...we could get you up to an even 100.

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- Fire safety is not a joke, son.

- Ha, ha. Oh.

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You're right. I know.

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Look, I gotta go. I'm on call tonight.

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- See you Saturday.

- Okay.

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[CHUCKLES]

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Wow, he's cute, Pheebs.

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But I thought you just started dating

that teacher.

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- Oh, Jason?

RACHEL: Yeah.

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Uh-huh. We're seeing each other tonight.

Ahem.

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Well, Pheebs?

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Two dates in one day?

That's so unlike you.

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I know, I know.

I'm, like, playing the field, you know?

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I'm juggling two guys.

I'm sowing my wild oats, you know?

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You know, this kind of, like, you know,

oat-sowing, field-playing juggler.

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So, Pheebs, do they know

about each other?

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Does a dog's lips move

when he reads?

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Okay, no, they don't know.

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- Hey, guys.

ALL: Hi.

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JOEY: Well?

- How'd it go at the doctor's?

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Well, he said there's definitely

nothing to worry about. It's totally benign.

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- Well, what is it?

- He couldn't even tell me.

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He said it was just

some sort of skin abnormality.

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And the worse thing is, he said

not being able to identify it...

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...he was reluctant to remove it.

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You know what?

You should go to my guy.

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Because when I went in there

with my third nipple...

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...he just lopped it right off, you know?

- Yeah?

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- So I guess I'm lucky.

- Heh.

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I mean, not as lucky as people

who are born with two nipples.

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At least they knew what yours was.

You know? Yours had a name.

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Oh. Maybe they'll name yours after you.

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You know? They'd call it The Ross.

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And then people would be, like,

"Oh, he's got a Ross."

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Yeah, that'd be cool.

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Pete's breaking up with me.

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ALL:

What?

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Yeah, I just checked my messages.

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He said that when he gets back

from Atlanta, "We need to talk."

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- And?

MONICA: Well, that's it.

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People never say, "We need to talk,"

unless it's something bad.

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Whoa. That doesn't necessarily mean

he's breaking up with you.

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PHOEBE: Yeah.

- Really?

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Yeah. Maybe he just cheated on you.

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And I know I'll never get rich doing it,

but I gotta tell you, it's pretty cool...

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...knowing you're making

a difference in a kid's life.

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That is so great.

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- Oh, my God.

- Oh.

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- Oh, my God!

- Ooh.

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- Uh, we'd better call the fire department.

- No. No.

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- No, no?

- Well, we don't need a fireman.

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We need, like, a good mechanic.

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[SIRENS WAILING]

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Oh, my God. Here they come.

We gotta get out of here.

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Wait. Why?

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Look, if I wanted to see a fireman,

I would date one, okay?

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That's all it is, a third nipple.

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You know? Just your

run-of-the-mill third nipple. Yeah.

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You can take it off.

Just slice that baby right off.

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Take your shirt off and let's see

what we're dealing with here.

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What are you doing?

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Just showing you my run-of-the-mill,

slice-it-right-off third nipple.

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- Well, that's not a third nipple.

- Oh?

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First of all, it's on your ass.

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Well, then what is it?

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Wait a minute. Hold it.

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- Jansen, will you come in here a moment?

JANSEN: I'm with Hamilton.

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He's good with weird things.

Bring him in too.

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I gotta go water Pete's plants.

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You know what? If he's gonna break up

with me, maybe I won't water his plants.

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Well, if he's gonna break up with you,

maybe Joey and I should water his plants...

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...if you know what I mean.

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Or, ha, ha...

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...we could go over there

and pee on them.

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I can't take it, you know?

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I'm always afraid one of them

is gonna catch me with the other.

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It's making me crazy.

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Well, honey, why don't you

break up with one of them?

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Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What happened to playing the field?

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Well, it doesn't feel

like playing anymore.

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It's feels like work.

It's like I'm working in the field.

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- So, Pheebs, pick one of them.

- Yeah, which one do you like more?

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Well, Vince is great, you know?

Because he's, like, a "guy" guy.

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You know?

He's just so burly, so very burly.

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Okay, good. So there you go.

Go with Vince.

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Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive.

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- Well, sensitive is important. Pick him.

- Yeah.

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Oh, sure. Go with the sissy.

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Jason is not a sissy.

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Oh, no, no, no. I meant Chandler.

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[DOCTORS CHATTERING]

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You know, I have dinner plans.

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Thank you so much for coming

on such a short notice.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I've been

practicing medicine for 23 years...

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...and I'm stumped.

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[DOCTORS CHATTERING]

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Okay, this is the den.

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All right, check this out. Lights.

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Whoa. All right, less lights. Bad lights.

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Lights, go away.

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Aw, see? You just need

to find the right command.

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Yes. And the dimmer switch.

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Whoa. For a rich guy,

that's a pretty small TV.

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No, no, no. That's the videophone.

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But hey, guys, you're not supposed

to be here, so please don't touch anything.

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IKEA, this is comfortable.

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This place is amazing.

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- Oh, God. That is the nicest kitchen.

- I know.

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No, no. It's the nicest kitchen.

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The refrigerator told me

to have a great day.

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Look at this, a millionaire's checkbook.

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Joey, put that down.

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[PHONE RINGS]

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Oh, my God, that's Pete. Okay, get out.

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- How the hell do you answer a videophone?

- Monica?

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I guess that's how.

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Hey, Monica, how's it going?

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Oh, it's good. It's, um... It's good.

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Just here, watering the plants.

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Well, don't forget that ficus

over there by Rachel.

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Ha. Chandler's on the couch.

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Yeah, I see him. You guys

are just the worst hiders ever.

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- Hi, Pete.

- How you doing?

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Uh, Pete, um...

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The other day when you said

you needed to talk...

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...um, just so I know,

is it good news or bad news?

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Oh, it's good news.

No, it's definitely good news.

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Hold on a second, I have another call.

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Hey, how's it going?

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No, no, no, it's still me.

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No, it's not.

I've got picture-in-picture here.

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Yeah. Yeah, okay.

I'm gonna have to call you back later.

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Monica? You.

I'm gonna have to call you back.

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Oh. Oh, okay. Um, so I'll see you soon.

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- Okay. I love you.

- I love you.

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ALL:

We love you too.

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MONICA:

Okay.

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Well, it's good news. It's good news.

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- So, what do you think the good news is?

JOEY: Look at this.

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He wrote a check for $50,000

to Hugo Lindgren's Ring Design.

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Oh. Sorry. Uh, what do you think

the good news is?

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Oh, my.

00:10:16,824 --> 00:10:18,825

Monica's gonna marry a millionaire.

00:10:19,535 --> 00:10:22,704

Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone.

Call Mom. Call Mom.

00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:24,706

Hello?

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And that's Pete's mom. Ha, ha.

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No, Mon, you have to make it

a theme wedding.

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And the theme could be:

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"Look How Much Money We've Got."

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You know? I mean, you could put money

in the invitations.

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You could have, like,

little-money place settings.

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And, uh, you could start

with a money salad.

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I mean, it'll be dry, but people will like it.

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Would you stop?

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We've only gone out a couple of weeks.

We don't know if he'll propose.

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Yes, but this is Pete, okay?

He's not like other people.

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On your first date, he took you to Rome.

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For most guys, that's like

a third or fourth date kind of thing.

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Well, if that's what it is, then it's crazy.

00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:13,254

Monica's right. We're talking about

getting married here.

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Okay? She can't just rush into this.

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Oh, what do you know?

You married a lesbian.

00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:27,519

All right. I gotta go.

I have to break up with Vince.

00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,854

Oh. So you're going with the teacher,

huh?

00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:33,858

Yeah. I like Vince a lot, you know?

But Jason is so sensitive, you know?

00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:37,445

And in the long run, I think

sensitive is better than having...

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...just, like, a really, really,

really nice body.

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Jason. Definitely Jason.

00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:49,624

- Wish me luck.

ALL: Good luck.

00:11:52,002 --> 00:11:53,503

Oh, my God.

00:11:56,132 --> 00:12:00,635

Sorry. I was just imagining what it'd be like

to catch the money bouquet.

00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,852

Excuse me. Um, is Vince here?

00:12:09,019 --> 00:12:10,145

Oh, sure.

00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:11,604

- Vince.

VINCE: Yo.

00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:17,819

PHOEBE: Wow. I didn't know you guys

actually used those.

00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,113

So, what's up?

00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:21,489

Um...

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Wow.

00:12:23,284 --> 00:12:25,744

This isn't gonna be easy. Um...

00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:29,873

I don't think we should

see each other anymore.

00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,499

Uh-huh.

00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,502

Good deal.

00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:37,672

- I'm sorry.

- No, it's okay.

00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:42,719

It's just that, uh, I thought

we had something pretty special here.

00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:47,098

An you know, I felt like you were someone

I could finally open up to.

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There's so much in me

I haven't shared with you yet.

00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:54,981

- Oh, my God. I didn't know you were so...

- I'm sorry. I can't talk.

00:12:56,692 --> 00:12:58,985

I'm gonna go write in my journal.

00:13:02,531 --> 00:13:03,948

PHOEBE:

Wait. Wait. Wait.

00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:10,205

I'm telling you, if you wanna take care

of that thing, go see my herbal guy.

00:13:10,748 --> 00:13:15,043

Thank you, but I wanna remove it, Pheebs.

I don't wanna make it savory.

00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:19,964

You know, when girls sleep with guys

with weird things on their body...

00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,300

...they tell their friends about it.

00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:24,511

Give me that.

00:13:27,389 --> 00:13:31,392

Hi. Okay, don't be mad at me,

but I couldn't resist.

00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:32,727

Bride's magazines?

00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:35,605

Yes, and I know that you said

you'd say no if he asked you...

00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,942

...but I'm sorry, how great would you look

walking down the aisle...

00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:41,236

...in this Donna Karan?

00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:44,322

Oh, you so would.

00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,115

Oh, you should get that anyway.

00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:49,869

Well, for clubbing.

00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:52,247

It is so weird.

00:13:52,414 --> 00:13:55,583

I know what I said. But, um, this morning...

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...I was lying in bed, I was imagining

what it'd be like to say yes.

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I know it's a little sudden,

and it's rushed...

00:14:05,594 --> 00:14:08,179

...and it's totally not like me

to do something like this.

00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:11,432

But that doesn't mean I can't. Right?

00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,393

I mean, I'm crazy about Pete.

00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:16,145

And I know that we want

the same things.

00:14:16,313 --> 00:14:18,815

And when I thought

about saying yes...

00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,817

...it made me really happy.

00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:22,777

Oh, my God.

00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:25,989

I know.

00:14:26,156 --> 00:14:27,866

I need more pie.

00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:33,955

Hey, Mon, um, if you do get married,

can I bring two guests?

00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,960

You didn't break up with that fireman?

00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,045

No, that was my way of telling you.

00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,632

Well, it turns out

he's incredibly sensitive.

00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,051

He keeps a journal and he paints.

00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:49,429

He even showed me charcoal drawings

that he drew of me.

00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:50,638

Wow.

00:14:50,806 --> 00:14:54,851

He'd prefer watercolors, but, you know,

he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.

00:14:57,813 --> 00:14:59,355

So then are you gonna dump Jason?

00:14:59,523 --> 00:15:02,817

Well, yeah, because I have to break up

with someone and...

00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:06,988

Okay, so Jason is sensitive.

But now, so is Vince.

00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:09,574

Plus Vince has the body. You know?

00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,159

So...

00:15:12,661 --> 00:15:15,371

It's really just about the math.

00:15:20,669 --> 00:15:21,878

[DRILL WHIRRING]

00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:25,173

- Jason.

JASON: Yeah, come on in.

00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:35,058

Uh, Phoebe, you sounded serious

on the phone.

00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,226

Is, uh, anything wrong?

00:15:37,394 --> 00:15:38,686

No.

00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:57,163

You must be Ross.

00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:01,376

- Hi.

- I am Guru Saj.

00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:08,049

Listen, I gotta tell you, I've never

been to a guru before, so...

00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:11,135

Well, relax. If it makes you

feel any better, I've attended...

00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:14,639

...some of the finest medical schools

in Central America.

00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:18,726

Well, then, let's take a look

at this skin abnormality of yours.

00:16:18,894 --> 00:16:20,812

Come on, have a seat.

00:16:21,438 --> 00:16:23,231

Aha.

00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:27,860

Aha. As I suspected, it's a kundus.

00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,197

What's a "kundus"?

00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:34,951

I don't know. What's a kundus with you?

00:16:39,289 --> 00:16:40,832

Please lie down.

00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,918

I've got a salve that

ought to shrink that right up.

00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:46,254

Well, I guess it's worth a try.

00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:48,506

Oh, sure. We should see results...

00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:51,426

Whoa! Clearly not the way to go.

00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:54,512

What? What?

00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,806

We appear to have angered it.

00:16:57,266 --> 00:16:59,225

We? We angered it?

00:17:00,310 --> 00:17:03,479

Oh. I think I see the problem.

00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:07,608

And I'm afraid we're gonna

have to use a much stronger tool.

00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:10,778

Love.

00:17:11,947 --> 00:17:13,072

Oh, God.

00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:18,703

Ross, there is absolutely no way

this is gonna come off...

00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,580

...unless you start to...

- Ow.

00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:23,124

- Oops.

- What was that?

00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,585

Well, it's gone.

00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:27,712

How's that?

00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:29,922

Got caught in my watch.

00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:32,508

Hey, ha, ha.

00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:36,721

Lights.

00:17:37,973 --> 00:17:40,058

Uh, romantic lights.

00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:42,977

Ooh, nice. Ha, ha.

00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:46,564

So, uh, there was this thing

I wanted to talk to you about.

00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:50,610

Oh, right.

I completely forgot about that.

00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,321

Well, uh...

00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:55,656

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:57,784

And I look at my life...

00:17:57,951 --> 00:17:59,494

Yeah?

00:17:59,661 --> 00:18:02,997

- And I feel like I've conquered

the business world.

00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:06,876

And I feel like I've conquered

the intellectual world.

00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:10,630

And now I have the most

beautiful woman in the world.

00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:13,591

Wow.

00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:16,385

But there's one thing missing.

00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:18,930

What's that?

00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:23,559

It's time for me to conquer

the physical world.

00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:27,563

Okay.

00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:32,401

Monica? I wanna become...

00:18:32,861 --> 00:18:35,363

...the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:38,241

You wanna what?

00:18:39,034 --> 00:18:41,285

I wanna become

the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:44,080

It's the most intense

physical competition in the world.

00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:45,957

It's banned in 49 states.

00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,376

What are you talking about?

00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:50,211

Okay, my trainer, Hoshi, is teaching me...

00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:53,047

...a combination of Jeet Kune Do

and Brazilian street-fighting.

00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:56,592

I even had my own

octagon training ring designed.

00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,679

And I suppose you used

a ring designer for that.

00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:01,389

Yeah.

00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:05,810

Monica, I want you there

in the front row when I win.

00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,479

I want you close enough

to smell the blood.

00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:12,150

What do you think?

00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:15,653

My parents will be so happy.

00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:23,828

[SINGING] Crazy underwear

Creeping up my butt

00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:29,500

Crazy underwear

Always in a rut

00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:32,336

Crazy underwear

00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:37,091

PHOEBE:

Oh, no. What is he doing here?

00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:39,177

All right, just keep playing,

just keep playing.

00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:42,013

You'll get through this. You'll be fine.

00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:44,599

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:53,858

Okay, thank you.

00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:58,154

And as always, no one talk to me

after the show.

00:19:58,322 --> 00:19:59,614

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:03,201

Hey.

00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:05,703

I just was passing by

and saw you were playing.

00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,538

This is kind of cool,

seeing you up there.

00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:09,165

Well, hey.

00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,125

Whoa, hey, hey.

00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:13,377

What's going on here? Who's this guy?

00:20:14,421 --> 00:20:18,049

I don't know. He just started

kissing me. Get him, Vince.

00:20:19,843 --> 00:20:21,260

BOTH:

What?

00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:24,722

Yeah, okay, I've been dating both of you.

00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:29,310

And it's been really horrible,

because, you know, it's been...

00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:31,729

...a lot of fun for me.

00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:37,360

But I like you both...

00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:39,987

...and I didn't know how to choose.

00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:43,950

So I'm sorry. I'm terrible.

I'm a terrible person. I'm terrible.

00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:47,620

Phoebe, Phoebe. Relax. It's okay.

I mean...

00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:49,830

We never said this was exclusive.

00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:53,084

Yeah, neither did we.

So give yourself a break.

00:20:54,002 --> 00:20:55,044

Really?

00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:58,339

Yeah, I mean, you know,

we haven't been going out that long.

00:20:58,507 --> 00:21:02,051

Come on, we haven't even

slept together yet. Ha, ha.

00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:03,719

You haven't?

00:21:06,807 --> 00:21:09,934

- You have?

- Okay, well, this is none of my business.

00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:15,856

I can't believe this. You slept with him?

00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:18,818

Well, I made you

a candlelight dinner in the park.

00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:22,989

You know, Phoebe,

I'm gonna make this real easy for you.

00:21:28,787 --> 00:21:32,123

Well, that could've been really awkward.

00:21:35,252 --> 00:21:38,129

You made him a candlelight dinner

in the park?

00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:42,133

Yeah, but I can do that for you.

I'm gonna do that for you.

00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,552

You know, I can't believe

I went out with somebody...

00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:48,597

...who'd actually have an open flame

in the middle of a wooded area.

00:21:57,691 --> 00:22:00,401

Everything's gonna be all right.

00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:03,237

Okay, Dick?

00:22:05,907 --> 00:22:07,783

Hello. I am Guru Saj.

00:22:08,410 --> 00:22:09,744

Whoa.

00:22:11,288 --> 00:22:13,456

He's supposed to be a duck, right?

Because otherwise...

00:22:13,623 --> 00:22:16,000

...this is way out of my league.

00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:20,838

Yeah, yeah. He's got a really bad cough,

and our vet, he can't do anything about it.

00:22:21,006 --> 00:22:23,132

- Is there something you can do?

- Hmm.

00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:27,887

Let me see.

00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:31,682

Do you think you could get him

to eat a bat?

00:22:42,986 --> 00:22:44,987

[English - US - SDH]