Эпизод, где Фиби ненавидит канал PBS

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I've been waiting for you.

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RACHEL:

Hi, I just...

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Ah! Oh, my God! Monica!

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Oh, my God!

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I'm sorry! I was...

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I was taking a nap.

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Since when do you

take naps in that position?

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Tell me you were waiting for a guy.

Please tell me.

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Yes, I was. A guy.

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From work.

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I'm seeing a guy from work! Ha!

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[GASPS]

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That cute waiter guy from your restaurant.

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The one that looks like

a non-threatening Ray Liotta?

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Aha. That one!

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Give me a second. I'll be out of your hair.

I'm just going to grab a jacket.

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When I get back,

I want every little detail.

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[KNOCKING]

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Maybe that's him.

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Okay, um... Okay, um...

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It's just Joey and Ross.

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Why aren't you at the movie?

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We were, but Ross was talking

so loud on his phone, they threw us out.

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I had to talk loud

because the movie was loud!

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- He's talking to London.

- Did he get in touch with Emily?

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No. He's calling everyone

on her side of the family...

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...hoping someone

will help him get in touch with her.

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I don't care if I said some

other girl's name, you prissy old twit!

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Ross.

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Way to suck up to the family!

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[LAUGHING]

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I'm so glad you're all here. My office

finally got wrinkle-free fax paper!

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- Hey

- Oh, no, no! Vomit tux! No, no! Vomit tux!

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Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned.

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Vomit tux?

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Who vomited on...

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You know what? What you up to, Joe?

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They're doing

this telethon thing on TV.

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And my agent got me a job as co-host!

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That's great!

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A little good deed for PBS,

plus some TV exposure.

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That's the kind of math

Joey likes to do.

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Oh, PBS!

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- What's wrong with PBS?

- What's right with them?

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Why don't you like PBS?

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Right after my Mom killed herself,

I was in this bad place, you know, personally.

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So I just thought it would make me

feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street.

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Because they were so nice

when I was a little kid.

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No one ever wrote back.

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A lot of those Muppets

don't have thumbs.

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All I got was a lousy keychain, and

by that time, I was living in a box.

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I didn't have keys!

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I'm sorry, Pheebs.

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I just wanted to do a good deed,

like you did with the babies.

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This isn't a good deed. You just want

to get on TV. This is totally selfish.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa.

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What about you having

those babies for your brother?

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Talk about selfish!

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What are you talking about?

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It was a nice thing,

but it made you feel good, right?

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Yeah, so?

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It made you feel good

so that makes it selfish.

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Look, there's no

unselfish good deeds. Sorry.

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Yes, there are totally

good deeds that are selfless!

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May I ask for one example?

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Yeah, it's... You know, there's...

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No, you may not!

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That's because all people are selfish.

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Are you calling me selfish?

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Are you calling you people?

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Sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs,

but selfless good deeds don't exist.

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Okay?

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And you know the deal on Santa Claus,

right?

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I'm gonna find a selfless good deed.

I'm going to beat you, you evil genius!

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[PHONE RINGS]

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- Hello?

- Hello, Ross?

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Emily?

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Oh, my God! It's Emily!

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It's Emily, everyone! Shh! Shh! Shh!

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Hi.

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I'm only ringing to say

stop harassing my relatives. Goodbye.

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Wait! Okay, okay, you can hang up,

but I'll keep calling everyone in England...

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...if that's what it takes

to get you to talk to me.

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Really? About what?

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Look, you're my wife. We're married.

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You know, I love you.

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I really miss you.

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I miss you too.

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Well, at least I think I do.

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[WHISPERS]

She's talking.

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[ALL CHEERING]

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When you said "the deal with Santa Claus,"

you meant?

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That he doesn't exist.

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Right.

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Chandler, have you heard

about Monica's secret boyfriend?

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Yeah, she might have mentioned him.

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So, Mon, when are we going

to meet this new, secret waiter man?

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He's really shy. I don't think

he's up to meeting everyone yet.

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Yeah, I don't think he's up

to meeting everyone yet.

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I don't care, I wanna meet this guy

who's the best sex she ever had.

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Really?

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That's what you heard? You said that?

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I might have said that.

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[LAUGHING]

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Why is that funny?

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Because I'm very happy for him.

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And you! You lucky dog!

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- Hi.

MONICA: Hey.

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Well, Emily's willing to work

on the relationship.

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- That's great!

- Yes!

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In London.

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- What?

- She wants me to move to London.

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But you live here.

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You know that.

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What are you gonna do?

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I bet if I talked to Carol and Susan...

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...I could convince them

to move to London with Ben.

00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:08,927

I'm sure your ex-wife would be more

than happy to move to another country...

00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:11,763

...so you can patch things up

with your new wife.

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It could happen.

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How you doing? Welcome.

Good to see you.

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This'll be your phone.

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That's great.

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But I'm not really

expecting a lot of calls.

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No, you answer it and take pledges.

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But I'm the host.

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No, Gary Collins is the host.

You'll be answering the phone.

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You don't seem to understand.

See, I was Dr. Drake Ramoray.

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Well, here's your phone, doctor.

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I can't believe I can't find

a selfless good deed.

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You know that really old guy

that lives next door to me?

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I snuck over there and raked up

all the leaves on his front stoop.

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But he caught me, and he

force-fed me cider and cookies.

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Then I felt wonderful.

That old jackass!

00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:16,536

Maybe Joey's right.

Maybe all good deeds are selfish.

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I will find a selfless good deed.

Because I just gave birth to three children...

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...and I will not let them be raised

in a world where Joey's right!

00:08:25,421 --> 00:08:28,089

Hey, Monica?

Can I ask you a cooking question?

00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:31,551

- Sure.

- If you're cooking on the stove...

00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:35,639

...does that mean that your new secret

boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?

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RACHEL:

Chandler.

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Is he?

00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:47,359

I think I'm going to respect the privacy

of my new, secret boyfriend.

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Why?

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If this guy was me...

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...and it's me who'd learned that it was

me who was the best you'd ever had...

00:08:57,411 --> 00:08:58,787

...I'd be going like this:

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All right, Emily.

00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,133

As much as I love you...

00:09:12,301 --> 00:09:15,845

...I'm sorry, I can't

move to London without Ben.

00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:18,932

I understand that would be difficult.

00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:22,894

Would you consider moving here?

You were moving here anyway.

00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:25,272

Why can't you just do that?

00:09:25,439 --> 00:09:27,524

I don't know. It's just...

00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:34,531

Okay, okay, but I know that even though

I've been a complete idiot up till now...

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...you have to come here.

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You have to, so we can

work this out together.

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All right.

00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,958

All right? Did you just say "all right"?

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I did. Now I'm the idiot.

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Emily, that is so great!

00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:51,423

It'll be great!

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We're going to be

like two idiots in love!

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[LAUGHS]

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Ross, there's one thing that

really scares me still.

00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,769

- Yes, tell me.

- You have to understand...

00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:07,230

...how humiliating it was

for me up on that altar...

00:10:07,398 --> 00:10:10,275

...in front of my entire family,

all my friends.

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I know. I am so sorry.

00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:17,449

And then, after deciding

to forgive you...

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...seeing you at the airport,

catching our plane with her.

00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:24,706

Again, very sorry.

00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:29,002

I mean, I can't be

in the same room as her.

00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:32,881

It drives me mad thinking of you

being in the same room as her.

00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:37,344

Emily, there is nothing

between Rachel and me.

00:10:37,845 --> 00:10:38,887

Okay?

00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:41,014

I love you.

00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,850

All right.

00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:47,896

I'll come to New York

and we'll try to make this work.

00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:49,481

That is so great!

00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:53,318

As long as you

don't see Rachel anymore.

00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:04,037

I asked Emily

if she would come to New York.

00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:05,830

And she said yes.

00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:08,750

MONICA: Great!

- No, no, no.

00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:12,629

Only if I promise

never to see Rachel again.

00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:14,297

MONICA:

What? You can't...

00:11:14,465 --> 00:11:15,548

What did you tell her?

00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:17,592

I told her I'd have to think about it.

00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,970

I mean, how the hell am I supposed to

make this kind of a decision?

00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:24,641

I'm actually asking you!

00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:28,019

Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore.

00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:30,146

She's one of your best friends.

00:11:30,314 --> 00:11:32,982

But he can't not see Emily,

I mean that's his wife!

00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:34,401

- That's true!

- Yeah, right?

00:11:35,194 --> 00:11:39,447

But you've known Rachel since high school

and you cannot just cut her out of your life.

00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:41,491

- That's true!

MONICA: No, you cannot.

00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:45,578

Thanks for the help. Problem solved!

00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,124

[PHONE RINGS]

00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:52,043

- Hello?

- Hey, Mon.

00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:55,463

Oh, hey, Joey. We've been watching all day.

When are you gonna be on TV?

00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:59,217

There was kind of a mix-up

in my agent's office...

00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,886

...but I'm still on TV,

and that's good exposure.

00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:04,389

You're not on TV.

00:12:07,059 --> 00:12:09,936

Oh, okay. How about now?

00:12:11,939 --> 00:12:14,023

Yeah! There he is! There he is!

00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:16,484

JOEY:

Hello, New York!

00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:21,406

EMERIL: Maybe just put the whole duck

right in there. Who cares?

00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:24,409

- Now I got the legs.

- Aw! Aw!

00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:32,167

How many times have I told you guys

to never watch the cooking channel?

00:12:33,043 --> 00:12:34,711

- Hi, Chandler.

- Hey.

00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,714

Listen, I need that broiling pan

that Joey borrowed the other day.

00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,215

That was yours?

00:12:39,383 --> 00:12:43,887

We used it when the duck

was throwing up caterpillars.

00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:47,432

Williams-Sonoma,

fall catalog, page 27.

00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,225

Expect it in 4 to 6 weeks.

00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:55,398

Hey. Joey's gonna be at the telethon

for the rest of the day.

00:12:55,566 --> 00:12:57,609

We have the whole place to ourselves.

00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,277

Yeah, so?

00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:04,574

Just thought maybe you'd want to book

some time with "the best you've ever had."

00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,494

You know what, champ?

00:13:07,661 --> 00:13:09,037

I think I'll pass.

00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:12,040

- Why?

- Why?

00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,679

What's your point?

00:13:28,265 --> 00:13:29,766

[PHONE RINGS]

00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:32,894

PBS Telethon.

00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:34,687

Hey, Joey.

00:13:34,855 --> 00:13:37,982

I just wanted to let you know

that I found a selfless good deed.

00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:41,402

I went down to the park

and I let a bee sting me.

00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:44,447

What good is that going to do anybody?

00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:48,451

It helps the bee look tough

in front of his bee friends.

00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:51,704

The bee is happy,

and I am definitely not.

00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:55,542

You know, the bee probably

died after he stung you.

00:14:00,422 --> 00:14:02,340

Damn it!

00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:06,052

Back on in 30 seconds, people!

00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:16,187

Excuse me,

would you mind switching with me?

00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,648

No way. I'm in the shot, man.

00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:22,443

- You've been here all day!

- I'm taking pledges.

00:14:22,611 --> 00:14:25,405

And we're on three, two...

00:14:25,906 --> 00:14:27,949

Welcome back to our fall telethon.

00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:30,910

If you've been enjoying

the performance of Cirque du Soleil...

00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:35,123

...and you'd like to see more of the same

kind of programming, it's very simple.

00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:38,418

All you have to do is call in and pledge...

00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:44,215

...and at that time tell one of our volunteers

what type of programming you...

00:14:46,343 --> 00:14:47,552

Okay.

00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:51,848

That's it. I cannot make this decision.

It is too difficult.

00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:55,226

So I'm just going leave it entirely

up to the gods of fate.

00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,355

A Magic 8 Ball?

00:14:59,523 --> 00:15:02,233

You can't make this decision

with a toy!

00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:04,444

It's not a toy.

00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:08,406

I don't know what else to do!

00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:12,869

I either keep my wife

and lose one of my best friends...

00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:16,873

...or I keep my friend and get divorced

for the second time before I'm 30.

00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:20,376

So if anyone else has

a better suggestion, let's hear it.

00:15:20,544 --> 00:15:23,004

Because I got nothing! Don't be shy.

00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,590

Any suggestion will do.

00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:32,889

Okay, then.

00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:37,685

Here we go.

00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:40,355

Magic 8 Ball...

00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:43,399

...should I never see Rachel again?

00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:48,363

"Ask Again Later."

00:15:50,157 --> 00:15:53,660

Later is not good enough!

00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:00,500

"Ask Again Later."

00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:01,709

What the hell?

00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:05,171

This is broken! It is broken!

00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:07,548

Let me see.

00:16:08,175 --> 00:16:10,969

Will Chandler have sex tonight?

00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:12,929

"Don't Count On lt."

00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:19,644

Seems like it works to me.

00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:21,854

[PHONE RINGS]

00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:23,940

PBS Telethon.

00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,149

PHOEBE:

Hi, Joey.

00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:26,442

Hey, Pheebs.

00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:28,152

I'd like to make a pledge.

00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,405

I would like to donate $200.

00:16:30,572 --> 00:16:31,864

Two hundred dollars?

00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:34,867

You sure?

After what Sesame Street did to you?

00:16:35,035 --> 00:16:38,579

I'm still mad at them, but I also know

that they bring happiness...

00:16:38,747 --> 00:16:41,249

...to lots of kids

whose moms didn't kill themselves.

00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:42,834

You know, so...

00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:47,880

...by supporting them, I'm doing a good

thing, but I'm not happy about it.

00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:50,842

So there! A selfless good deed.

00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,761

And you don't feel a little good

about donating the money?

00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:57,515

No, it sucks.

I was saving up to buy a hamster.

00:16:58,058 --> 00:17:00,727

A hamster?

Those things are, like, 10 bucks.

00:17:00,894 --> 00:17:03,396

Not the one I had my eye on.

00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:07,650

It looks like we have surpassed

last year's pledge total.

00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:08,901

Thank you!

00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:14,282

And the pledge that did it

was taken by one of our volunteers.

00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:20,663

Oh, boy! And may I say,

one of our sharpest dressed volunteers.

00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:22,999

Mr. Joseph Tribbiani!

00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:24,417

PHOEBE:

Oh, look!

00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:26,252

Joey's on TV!

00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:27,754

Isn't that great?

00:17:27,921 --> 00:17:31,507

My pledge got Joey on TV!

That makes me feel so...

00:17:31,675 --> 00:17:33,426

Oh, no!

00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:41,225

Look...

00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:45,730

...maybe I got carried away before,

but there's something you gotta know.

00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:50,443

If I'm the best, it's only

because you made me the best.

00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:54,363

Keep talking.

00:17:54,531 --> 00:17:56,616

I was nothing before you.

00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:59,285

Call the other girls and ask.

00:17:59,953 --> 00:18:02,205

Which wouldn't take long.

00:18:02,831 --> 00:18:06,167

But when I'm with you,

and we're together...

00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:09,837

...oh, my God!

00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:17,637

- Really?

- Oh, my God!

00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:24,185

Now, I understand if you never

want to sleep with me again.

00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,437

But that would be wrong.

00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:28,981

We're too good.

00:18:29,149 --> 00:18:32,693

We owe it to sex!

00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:36,322

Well, if we owe it!

00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:39,992

Oh, my!

00:18:41,745 --> 00:18:43,037

When is Joey gonna be home?

00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:46,374

I was kind of hoping

we could do this without him.

00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:51,087

No, no, no! Leave the gloves on.

00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:52,964

But I just cleaned the bathroom.

00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,675

- Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves?

- Yeah.

00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:00,930

All right.

Let's show them how it's done.

00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:02,974

Okay. Ow!

00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,603

- That wasn't part of it.

- I know.

00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:16,696

[KNOCKING]

00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:24,745

Hi. You ready? We're going to be late.

00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:28,082

- For what?

- For Stella, remember?

00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:31,169

She's getting her groove back

in 20 minutes.

00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:35,756

Yeah, I totally forgot about that.

00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:39,844

Mind if I take a rain check?

I'm waiting for a call from Emily.

00:19:40,804 --> 00:19:42,680

Sure, I guess.

00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:46,559

Hey, I hear you don't have to go

to London. Yay.

00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:52,523

It's not that easy. There's still

a lot of relationship stuff.

00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:54,108

Like what?

00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:55,776

Just stuff.

00:19:55,944 --> 00:19:59,947

You know, kind of what Emily wants.

00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:02,533

Why don't you talk to me about it?

Maybe I can help.

00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:07,330

No, no, you can't help.

00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:12,501

I mean, I kind of have to do this

without your help.

00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,795

Well, I...

00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:19,884

I know you can do that too. I'm just saying

if you need somebody to talk to...

00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:22,261

Hi.

00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:25,181

Thanks.

00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:32,188

Ross, look, whatever this

relationship stuff is that Emily wants...

00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:34,315

...just give it to her.

00:20:34,483 --> 00:20:37,026

The bottom line is that you love her.

00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:39,403

So just fix whatever she wants fixed.

00:20:39,988 --> 00:20:41,530

Just do it.

00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:42,990

[PHONE RINGING]

00:20:43,158 --> 00:20:47,495

You're going to have to try.

You'll just hate yourself if you don't.

00:20:47,704 --> 00:20:50,831

[PHONE RINGING]

00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:53,292

Come on, answer it!

It's driving me crazy.

00:20:54,836 --> 00:20:56,045

Hello?

00:20:56,546 --> 00:20:58,339

Hi, sweetie.

00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,466

Good.

00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:04,845

Look. Yes, I've been thinking...

00:21:05,013 --> 00:21:08,933

...about that thing

you wanted me to do...

00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:12,937

...and I can do it.

00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:18,025

So will you come to New York?

00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:20,653

[WHISPERS]

What?

00:22:00,235 --> 00:22:02,528

- Never done that before.

- Nope.

00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:08,701

[English - US - SDH]