Эпизод с новой сумкой Джо

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It's so good for Monica.

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[BELL DINGS]

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Time's up! My turn.

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- That was half an hour?

- It's your timer.

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CHANDLER: Okay.

MONICA: All right.

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I don't like to brag about it,

but I give the best massages.

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All right, then massage me up

right nice!

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Aah! Aah! Aah.

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It's so good, isn't it?

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I don't know what I did to deserve it.

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Say goodbye to sore muscles!

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Goodbye, muscles!

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She gives the worst massages ever.

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It was like she was torturing me

for information.

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I wanted to give it up.

I just didn't know what it was!

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If it hurts that bad, you should tell her.

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For the first time,

I'm in a real relationship.

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I won't screw that up by telling the truth.

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Dude, look out!

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You almost crushed my hat.

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Sorry.

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And the bunny got away.

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This would be the place

where you explain the hat.

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Oh. Yeah.

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There's this play, right?

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I'm up for the part of this

cool, suave, international guy.

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A clothes horse, so I figure...

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...everyone at the audition will

wear ultra-hip, high fashion stuff.

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And you'll make them disappear?

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Like you could find something

this sophisticated.

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Done!

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If you want to look good,

come to the store. I'll help you.

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- Thanks!

RACHEL: Sure.

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Please, take those off!

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ROSS:

Hey, Pheebs. How's it going?

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Um, only okay. Because I just

got back from the hospital.

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ALL:

Are you all right?

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I'm fine.

But, uh, my grandma sort of died.

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ALL: Pheebs, sorry.

PHOEBE: It's okay.

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She had a really incredible life.

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It's not like I won't see her again.

She'll visit.

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Maybe she's with us right now.

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Right. She's on a new spiritual plane

and she'll come to the coffeehouse.

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I just saw two people having sex

in a car right outside!

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Uh, Pheebs' grandmother just died.

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Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.

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Actually, it's kind of cool.

Because it's like...

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...you know, one life ends

and another begins.

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Not the way they're doing it.

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What happened? How did she die?

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We were in the market...

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...and she bent down to get some yogurt

and never came back up again.

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I'm so sorry.

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The last thing she said was:

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"You get the eggs, I'll get the yogurt,

and we'll meet at the checkout counter."

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You know what?

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We will meet at the checkout counter.

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Since you're returning all this stuff...

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...you'll have to wear underwear.

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All right.

You'd better show me that too.

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It's missing something.

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Oh, I know. Um, okay.

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Really? A purse?

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It's not a purse. It's a shoulder bag.

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- It looks like a woman's purse.

- No.

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Trust me, all the men are carrying

them in the spring catalog.

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See, look. Men carrying the bag.

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See, look. Women carrying the bag.

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But it is odd how a woman's purse

looks so good on me, a man.

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Exactly. Unisex!

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Maybe you need sex.

I had sex a couple days ago.

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No, Joey. U-N-I sex.

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I ain't going to say no to that!

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URSULA: Who is it?

- It's Phoebe.

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URSULA:

Oh, great!

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Oh, you.

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Um, what's up?

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Um, well, I sort of have some bad news.

Can I come in?

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Um, no, thanks.

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Um...

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- Well, um, Grandma died today.

- Wow!

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Didn't she die like five years ago?

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No, she just died today.

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Um, we're having

a memorial service tomorrow.

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Okay, I know I went to that already.

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No, you didn't!

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Then who's been dead?

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Lots of people!

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Look, are you coming or not?

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Um, no.

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I thought she was dead,

so I've made my peace.

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Plus I'm going to a concert.

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I'd invite you,

but, um, I only have two tickets left.

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- Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert.

- Thanks. Enjoy your funeral!

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- Hey.

- Hey.

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You look just like your son,

Mrs. Tribbiani.

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What?

Are you referring to my man's bag?

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I thought it just looked good,

but it's practical too.

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It's got compartments for all your stuff.

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- Your wallet, keys, address book...

- Your makeup.

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What are you doing?

The audition's tomorrow.

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Yeah, but sandwich time is right now.

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You get mustard on that bag,

you can't return it.

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Why would I return this?

I love this bag!

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- All right, then you owe me $350.

JOEY: Fine.

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Do you take Vasa or Mooster Card?

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Joey...

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Relax, I'll pay you with the money

from the job I'll get. Thanks to you.

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What's the part? Auntie Mame?

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Don't listen to them. I think it's sexy.

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You-and-I sexy?

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Hello, Mrs. Pinilla.

Thank you for coming.

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Here's your, um, 3-D glasses.

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Reverend Pong will say

when to put them on.

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Hi, sweetie.

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- How are you holding up?

PHOEBE: Fine.

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Hey, Pheebs. I'm so sorry.

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You know what?

My grandma had the exact same bag!

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I brought you flowers.

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Oh, thanks!

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Pulling flowers out

makes the bag look masculine.

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Excuse me, is this the, uh, memorial?

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Welcome.

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Here's your 3-D glasses.

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All right.

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So how did you know Frances?

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Actually, I hadn't seen her for years.

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But, um, I was pretty tight

with her and her daughter.

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What's your name?

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Frank Buffay.

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You know what? Strike that.

My name, uh, actually, is Joe.

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Um, uh, Joe, uh, Hill.

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- You're Frank Buf...

- Shh. No! Joe Hill.

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You just said...

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I got to go.

Thank you so much for coming.

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PHOEBE:

But...

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Oh, my God!

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ALL:

What happened?

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That was my dad.

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ALL: Oh, my God! What?

- Check it out!

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It's like it's coming right at me.

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- Did you catch him?

ROSS: What did he say?

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He said, um, "Nice to meet you, Glenda."

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I couldn't give him my real name.

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Why not?

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You saw the way he ran.

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You think he'd talk

to the daughter he abandoned?

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What did you say to him?

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I said I was the executor of the will

and I needed to talk to him.

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I'm going to meet him

at the coffeehouse.

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REVEREND:

Could everyone take their seats?

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I just can't think about that now.

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- I want to say goodbye to my grandma.

ALL: Okay.

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Let's go say goodbye.

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[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

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I'm off to my audition. How do I look?

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Great!

That bag will get you that part.

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And a date with a man.

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You know what? Make fun all you want.

This is a great bag.

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And it's as handy as it is becoming.

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Just because you don't understand

something, doesn't make it wrong.

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You guys have to get used

to the fact that Joey...

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...comes with a bag!

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I've got to meet my dad.

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Will you tell him who you are?

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Not at first.

I don't want to freak him out.

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But aren't you pissed at him?

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This guy abandoned you.

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If it were me, this guy would be

in some serious physical danger.

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I'd walk in there, I'd be like, "Yo, Dad!

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You and me, outside. Right now!"

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I kind of scared myself.

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Well, at least you scared someone.

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You'd think I'd be angry.

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You'd think I'd want to rip

his tiny little head off!

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Fortunately, I'm past it.

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You do seem a little tense.

Here, let me help you.

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Oh, get off! Ow!

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Stop it!

Why are you doing that to me?

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What are you talking about?

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As a masseuse and a human...

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...I'm begging you,

never do that to anyone.

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I give good massages.

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[LAUGHS]

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I gave them to Rachel

before she got allergic.

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And Chandler, he loves them!

Watch.

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He does not like it. He's in pain!

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- No, he's not.

- Yes, he is!

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- What?

- I'm sorry but, ow!

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You've been lying to me?

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I can't believe that.

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Maybe he didn't want to hurt you.

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But the minute we start

to lie to each other...

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And by "we"...

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...I mean society.

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Anytime you're ready.

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Ahem, well, you must be new here.

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Maybe we get a table,

I buy you a drink.

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Could you try it without the purse?

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Yeah, sure.

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Ahem, well, you must be new here.

Maybe we sit...

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- Can I ask you something?

- Sure. What?

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Well, first, it's not a purse.

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Okay...

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Anytime.

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If you think

it's a woman's bag, it's not.

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It's a man's bag.

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Okay. And go.

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Let me show you the catalog.

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Look. See?

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Huh? It's the latest thing.

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Everyone's got one.

Men, women, children.

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Do you sell these?

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No, these babies sell themselves.

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Thank you. That was great.

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But I didn't read anything.

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I think we've seen enough.

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All right, I'll see you.

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We got it. We got it.

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- Is Rachel here?

- No.

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Listen, I just wanted to apologize

about the whole massage thing.

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I really like them.

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Please stop.

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We're supposed to be honest.

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I wish you could tell me,

"I don't like your massages."

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I don't like your massages.

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See? It's no big deal.

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But now you're crying.

00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:35,248

I'm not crying about that.

I'm crying about something at work.

00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:39,586

My boyfriend said

he didn't like my massages.

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You don't have

to be best at everything.

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Oh, my God!

You don't know me at all!

00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:49,721

Okay...

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You give the worst massages

in the world.

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I'm crying here!

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Look, hear me out.

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You give the best bad massages.

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If anybody was looking

for the best bad massage...

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...and they thought, "Who's the best?"

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They'd have to go to you.

00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,369

Huh.

00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:17,790

So you're saying that

if there was an award...

00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:22,587

...for the best bad massage...

Who would get that?

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It would be you!

00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:27,842

You, Monica!

And you'd get all the votes.

00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,429

So they could call the award,

"The Monica"?

00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:34,807

Absolutely.

00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,018

Okay...

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I suck!

00:15:46,570 --> 00:15:48,196

Thank you for meeting me.

00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:49,822

Thank you.

00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:51,950

Come sit.

00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:55,495

Sit.

00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:57,372

Sit!

00:15:58,832 --> 00:16:02,210

Um, alrighty.

Um, before we get started, I need you...

00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:06,631

...to state for the record

that you are, in fact, Frank Buffay.

00:16:06,882 --> 00:16:08,841

Yes, I am. Mm-hm.

00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:13,513

- Okay.

- So, what did Frances leave me?

00:16:13,722 --> 00:16:16,557

- Huh?

- That's why you wanted me to come.

00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,101

Oh, yes.

00:16:18,310 --> 00:16:21,145

Yes, she did. She left you, um...

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...this lipstick.

00:16:25,442 --> 00:16:27,318

Oh. Huh.

00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:31,572

Oh, it's, ew, used.

00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:35,326

Uh, cool.

00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:43,167

I have just a few questions to ask,

so I'll get out my official forms.

00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,589

So question one:

00:16:49,299 --> 00:16:53,136

You were married to Frances'

daughter, Lilly. Correct?

00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:55,388

Yes, I was.

00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:58,933

Okay, um, question two:

Um, did that marriage end...

00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:00,768

...A, happily...

00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:03,312

...B, medium...

00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:06,733

...or, C, in the total abandonment...

00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:09,027

...of her and her two children?

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It really says that?

00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:12,447

Yeah, see?

00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:16,826

I guess then I would have to say C.

00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:20,121

Total abandonment.

00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:23,416

Reasons for abandonment:

00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:27,003

Um, A, top secret government work...

00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:28,713

...B, amnesia...

00:17:28,964 --> 00:17:32,258

...or, C, you're just a selfish,

irresponsible...

00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:34,886

...bad, bad man.

00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:37,889

I don't want the lipstick that much.

00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:42,935

Would you do me a favor?

00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:44,896

Would you give Lilly...

00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,774

...that, please?

- What?

00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:50,193

When you see Lilly, give her that note.

00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:52,862

I wanted to talk to her

at the memorial...

00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:58,117

...but I pictured her getting mad

the way you did, and I chickened out.

00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:01,329

I wrote her a note.

Give it to her, please?

00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:04,165

But you came to see Lilly?

00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:06,250

Yeah. Why?

00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:09,170

Lilly's dead.

00:18:10,714 --> 00:18:11,839

She what?

00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:13,257

She's dead.

00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:14,967

Are you sure?

00:18:15,135 --> 00:18:18,262

If she isn't, cremating her

was a big mistake.

00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:22,517

I can't believe this.

I just can't believe...

00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:25,520

How? Oh, my God.

00:18:26,313 --> 00:18:27,355

How long ago?

00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:29,190

Seventeen years ago.

00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:30,942

Oh.

00:18:31,985 --> 00:18:33,945

What about the girls?

00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:40,701

Well, Ursula is a waitress

and she lives in Soho.

00:18:42,621 --> 00:18:44,413

And Phoebe...

00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:47,959

...is on this couch.

00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:59,387

Yep, lipstick and a daughter.

Big day for you.

00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:03,474

Phoebe, I, um...

00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:05,143

Whoops.

00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:09,272

It's just, I don't know what to say.

00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:15,403

I just can't believe that you're

my daughter. You're so pretty.

00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:19,448

Yes, well, that's neither here nor there.

00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:24,537

Would it make you feel

better if I said...

00:19:24,788 --> 00:19:28,374

...that I was very, very sorry I left?

00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:33,963

It doesn't matter what you say.

It won't make a difference.

00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:35,673

So you can just go.

00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:42,471

Well, you know, in my defense,

I was a lousy father.

00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:45,433

- That's your defense?

- Yes, it is.

00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:49,687

I burned the formula,

and I put your diapers on backwards.

00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:54,483

I made up a song to sing to you,

but that made you cry even more.

00:19:55,402 --> 00:19:56,569

You make up songs?

00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:59,906

Well, no, just that one.

But it was stupid.

00:20:00,157 --> 00:20:02,950

Let's see, how did it go? Um...

00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:07,371

[SINGING]

Sleepy girl, sleepy girl

00:20:07,998 --> 00:20:10,791

Why won't you go to sleep?

00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:14,086

Sleepy girl, sleepy girl

00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:16,464

You're keeping me up

00:20:35,525 --> 00:20:37,443

I'm not very good at this.

00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:42,031

Well, I am.

00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:48,704

Not yet. No.

00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:55,419

Hey.

00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:57,421

ALL:

Hey! How'd the audition go?

00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:59,257

Estelle said I didn't get it.

00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:02,718

What? Why?

Joey, you were so ready for it.

00:21:03,011 --> 00:21:04,345

I thought so too...

00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:07,223

...but the casting people

had problems with me.

00:21:07,474 --> 00:21:08,641

What kind of problem?

00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:11,560

To tell you the truth...

00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:14,021

...they had a problem with the bag!

- Oh, my God!

00:21:15,565 --> 00:21:18,109

You know what?

It was a stupid play anyway.

00:21:19,069 --> 00:21:20,820

It's time to give up the bag.

00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,614

I don't want to give up the bag.

00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:26,617

I don't have to give it up, do I, Rach?

00:21:30,038 --> 00:21:32,456

You think I should give up the bag!

00:21:32,749 --> 00:21:37,169

Joey, I'm sorry.

As terrific as I think you are with it...

00:21:39,339 --> 00:21:44,051

...I just don't know if the world

is ready for you and your bag.

00:21:46,555 --> 00:21:48,139

I can't believe this!

00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:51,559

Wait, I'm not saying

you shouldn't have a bag.

00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:56,981

There are other bags

that are maybe a little less...

00:21:57,774 --> 00:21:59,275

...controversial.

00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:02,987

Yeah, um, they're called wallets.

00:22:07,701 --> 00:22:09,702

[English - US - SDH]