Эпизод, в котором все могло быть иначе, Часть 1

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Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.

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[ALL CHATTERING]

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What is the matter with you?

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No. Barry and Mindy.

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Oh, sorry. I hear "divorce,"

I immediately go to Ross. Heh.

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Who's Barry and Mindy?

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Barry was the guy I almost married,

and Mindy was my best friend.

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Wasn't he cheating on you with her?

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That just means he was falling

asleep on top of her instead of me.

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Can you imagine if I'd married him?

How different would my life be?

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I know. I've always wondered

how different life would be...

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...if I'd never gotten divorced.

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- Which time?

- The first time!

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Imagine if Carol hadn't realized

she was a lesbian.

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I can't.

I keep seeing it the good way.

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I bet I'd still be doing my karate.

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Towards the end of our marriage, I did

karate as a way of releasing the tension...

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...from, you know,

not doing anything else physical.

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Maybe the problem was

pronouncing it "ka-ra-tay."

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What if I was still fat?

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You wouldn't be dating me,

that's for sure.

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Sure I would.

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[ALL CHATTERING]

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What? You guys think I'm that shallow?

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No, I think Monica was that fat.

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Hey, imagine if I'd never gotten fired

off Days of Our Lives.

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Hey. Hey, there's Carol again.

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What if I had had the guts

to quit my job?

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I'd probably be writing for The New

Yorker, being paid to be funny.

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But my job's fun too.

I mean, tomorrow...

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...I don't have to wear a tie.

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What if I'd taken that job

at Merrill Lynch?

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- What?

- Merrill Lynch?

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A massage client who worked there

said I had a knack for stocks.

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Why didn't you take it?

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At that time, you see, I thought that

everything that rhymed was true.

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So I thought if I worked with stocks...

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...I'd have to live in a box

and only eat lox and have a pet fox.

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Do you think if all those things

happened, we'd still hang out?

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Oh, my God. Rachel Green?

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Aah! Rob Tilman!

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No, heh, no, it's me. Ross.

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Oh, I'm sorry. Ross Tilman.

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- No. No, no. Ross Geller.

- Of course! Monica's brother.

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- Yeah. Right.

- Wow! How are you?

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- Good. Good, I'm married.

- Oh! Me too! Ha, ha.

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- Isn't it the best?

- Oh, it's the best. Heh.

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[BOTH SIGH]

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- So, um, how's Monica?

- Really, really great.

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Actually, she's right down the street.

Um, you should stop by and say hi.

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- Oh, I would love to.

- Yeah, she'd be so excited.

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- Oh, okay.

- Come on.

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Wait, don't you have to pay for...

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...Busty Ladies?

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No, that's okay. Some kid asked me

to pick it up for him, but I...

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[BOTH LAUGH]

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So, Monica,

still going out with Dr. Boring, huh?

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He's not boring. He's just...

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He's just low-key.

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- Here you go, one hazelnut latte.

- Thank you.

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You know, the hazelnut,

actually not a nut.

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It's a seed.

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Wow.

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Can anyone else name a well-known seed

that's been masquerading as a nut?

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Oh, dear God. Let me think.

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Hey.

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Oh, no. What's the matter?

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I got another rejection letter.

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They said my writing was funny,

just not "Archie Comic funny."

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I gotta get back to the hospital.

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- All right.

- Okay.

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- Bye.

- Bye-bye.

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Oh, uh, by the way, the answer is

the Brazil nut.

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Was his question,

"What's more boring than him?"

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Hey, man.

Sorry about that Archie thing.

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You, uh, need me

to give you some money?

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Hey, I may have no money,

but I still have my pride.

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Really?

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Eh.

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Joey doesn't have to give you money.

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- TV stars have assistants, right?

- That's an idea.

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If I hire an assistant,

would you take money from her?

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No, Joey.

Chandler could be your assistant.

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He could answer

your fan mail and stuff.

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That would be great! Let's do that!

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I could use the money.

Give me time to write.

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- Great! Welcome aboard.

- Okay!

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All right. I need to use the bathroom.

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Since I don't need assistance

in there, take a break!

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All right.

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- Hey.

MONICA: Hey, Phoebe.

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- Guess what?

- What?

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Joey just hired Chandler.

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Oh, that's so sweet.

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[CELL PHONE RINGING]

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Oh! Hang on!

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Hang on!

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Go!

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No. No, no.

I said sell when it hits 50!

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Five-oh! It's a number!

It comes after four-nine!

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No, it's okay. It's okay.

You're allowed one mistake.

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Just kidding. You are of course fired.

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Ugh.

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- Hey, Mon?

- Hey.

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Mon, look who I ran into.

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[GASPS]

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Oh, my God, Rachel!

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[MONICA SQUEALS]

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- God, you look terrific!

- Oh, so do you!

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Thanks.

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- Did you lose weight?

- You are so sweet to notice.

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Yes, I lost 3 and a half pounds.

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Ah!

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- You remember my friend Chandler?

- Hi.

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- And that's Phoebe.

- Hi.

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Sit down. Sit down. How long's it

been since we've seen each other?

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1987, the day after Christmas.

Uh, Sean McMahan's party.

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I played you one of my songs.

"Interplanetary Courtship Ritual."

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Oh, yeah. Right.

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- So, now, do you still do music?

- Well, sometimes.

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- Sometime I'll play you...

RACHEL: Oh, my God!

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Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives

just walked in here!

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- Rach, he's a friend of ours.

- You are friends with Dr. Drake Ramoray?

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It's hard to be friends with Drake...

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...because of his busy schedule

and the fact that he's not real.

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Hey, or I could bring

my keyboard here sometime.

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- He's coming over.

- Joey?

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I know. Here, here.

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Oh.

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No. This is my friend Rachel.

We went to high school together.

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- Ha, ha, hi.

- Hi.

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I...

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I love you on that show.

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- Oh.

- I watch you every day.

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When you took out your

kidney to save your ex-wife...

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...even though

she tried to kill you...

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It's always nice to meet fans.

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[LAUGHS]

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- She's not crazy, is she?

- No.

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So, uh, how you doing?

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[CELL PHONE RINGING]

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Hang on.

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Hang on. Hang on.

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Go!

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Who's this?

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Oh, you're gonna like working for me.

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What's your name?

What kind of name is Brindy?

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I... Uh, whatever.

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Stop talking.

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All right, from now on

your name is Joan.

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You can pick your own last name.

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- Hey, there you are.

- Uh-oh, it's my boss.

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All right, here's a list of things

for you to do today.

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This is gonna be so great.

Thank you so much.

00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:56,368

I gotta go to work. I'm delivering

twins, but only one of them is mine.

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"Drop off my dry cleaning.

Pick up my vitamins."

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Teach me how to spell vitamins.

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"Wear in my new jeans."

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- You realize what you are, don't you?

- What?

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You're his bitch.

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No, no! No!

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Wait! You didn't sit on my

Kit Kats did you?

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No, there was a little,

little dip in the market...

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...and I lost $13 million.

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But the Kit Kats are all right?

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What am I gonna do?

I can't call my office, they'll kill me.

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I can't call my clients,

they'll kill themselves!

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- All right, now my chest hurts.

- What?

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My chest hurts. Ugh.

00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:50,005

- Ugh! And now, I can't breathe.

- Are you having a heart attack?

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If I were, would I have shooting

pains up and down my left arm?

00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:56,970

- Yes.

- Then, yes. That is what I'm having.

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Oh, my God!

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Come on, Pheebs, it's not that bad.

00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:10,066

Most people'd be excited if they

didn't work for a couple weeks.

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Most people don't like their jobs.

I love my job.

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I've been not working for three hours,

and I'm already going crazy.

00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:19,409

I miss Joan.

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Honey, a heart attack is nature's

way of telling you to slow down.

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I always thought it was nature's way

of telling you to die. Heh.

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You're not gonna die.

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I mean, you are going to die,

but you're not gonna die today.

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I wish I was dead.

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Let's take a walk.

00:10:40,556 --> 00:10:44,309

You should consider writing for

Talking Out of Your Ass magazine.

00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:49,564

So what's going on with you?

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Well, um, I've been doing a lot more

of my karate.

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- Still a dry spell with Carol?

- Yeah.

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How long has it been since

you've had sex?

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- Well, last weekend...

- That's not so bad.

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...will be two months...

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...since I stopped trying.

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You need to spice things up.

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- What do you mean?

- I don't know.

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You could tie her up.

You could eat stuff off each other.

00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:20,512

Oh.

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- Dirty talk, ménage à trois, toys.

- Wow.

00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:27,727

Role-playing.

You're warden, she's prisoner.

00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:31,481

- You're the pirate, she's the wench.

- Okay, I think I got it.

00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:35,527

You could be two stockbrokers,

rolling naked on the trading floor...

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...and everybody's watching.

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It never happened.

00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:48,957

And over there is Brady's Pub...

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...where I unwind

after a long day of "surgeoning."

00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:55,046

Wow! This is so amazing. What else?

00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:58,341

Well, that is a large piece

of television equipment.

00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,260

And, uh, that is an old man.

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- Hey, old man!

- Hey.

00:12:02,304 --> 00:12:05,557

Alrighty. What do you say we head

back to my place?

00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:11,312

Well, wow. Um, you know,

I would really love to, but I shouldn't.

00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:15,817

Why?

Why can't the world stop turning?

00:12:16,944 --> 00:12:20,029

Just for a moment. Just for us.

00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:23,324

Isn't that a line from the show?

00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:27,579

Uh, yeah, but, uh...

00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,749

...I may have said

those things before, but...

00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:35,211

...I never truly meant them until now.

00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:38,298

That's a line from the show too!

00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:41,092

Okay, you watch too much TV.

00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:44,679

Joe, here's the freshly-squeezed

orange juice you asked for.

00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:46,055

- Thanks.

- Hi.

00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:48,558

Yeah, there's pulp in that.

00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:52,854

- Yeah?

- Heh.

00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:56,649

I thought we talked about this.

I don't like pulp.

00:12:56,817 --> 00:13:00,278

No pulp. Pulp isn't juice.

All juice. Okay?

00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:03,573

I'm sorry. I guess I just like the pulp.

00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:07,285

God, I'm sorry. I am being so rude.

00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:10,121

Rachel, would you like a soda

or something?

00:13:10,372 --> 00:13:14,167

Because Chandler will

run right out and get it.

00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,295

Yeah, well, sure,

iced tea would be great.

00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:18,755

Iced tea.

00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:24,302

Okay. Anything for you, sir?

00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,971

Did I not just tell him?

00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:31,392

Okay, look, Chandler,

if this is gonna work...

00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:35,396

...you have got to listen.

00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:41,152

You're gonna throw that juice at me,

aren't you?

00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:42,654

It's not all juice.

00:13:48,744 --> 00:13:50,620

Honey, this morning was fun, huh?

00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:54,457

Me hopping in on you

in the shower there?

00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:58,336

Yeah, maybe someday we could get

a place with two bathrooms.

00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:05,510

Look, Carol, um, I was thinking maybe...

00:14:05,719 --> 00:14:08,596

...maybe we can spice things

up a little.

00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:12,100

- What do you mean?

- Carol, our sex life. It's just not...

00:14:12,309 --> 00:14:15,854

- Dad!

- Hey there, little fella!

00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:17,981

Hey, why don't we get

some shoes on you?

00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:21,276

Show Dad how you

put your shoes on in your room.

00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:23,444

- Yay!

- Yay!

00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:25,113

Yay!

00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:27,824

Seriously, our sex life.

00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,160

I was thinking maybe, I don't know...

00:14:31,328 --> 00:14:34,205

...we could try some new things,

you know, for fun.

00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:38,042

- Like what?

- Well, I don't know. Um...

00:14:39,753 --> 00:14:42,213

What if we, uh, were to...

00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,133

...tie each other up?

00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:48,845

[COUGHS]

00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:56,728

Um, some people eat stuff

off one another.

00:14:58,355 --> 00:14:59,981

Yeah.

00:15:00,232 --> 00:15:04,402

Um, you know, we could try dirty talk.

Uh, heh.

00:15:05,821 --> 00:15:09,949

- Um, we could have a threesome.

- I love that idea!

00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:15,079

Who sold a story to Archie Comics?

00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:18,583

Oh, my God, that's so great.

Oh, wow!

00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:22,086

You're a published writer.

I wish I had a present.

00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:23,963

- Aw.

- Wait a minute.

00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:28,509

My last Kit Kat bar.

00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:35,391

- You want to share it?

- Okay!

00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:38,978

- Hey.

- Hey.

00:15:39,229 --> 00:15:41,898

Chandler, I know you're mad.

I'm sorry.

00:15:42,149 --> 00:15:46,653

I was a total jerk.

Completely over the line.

00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:48,905

I just... I hate pulp.

00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:53,034

You know how Monica feels

about low-fat mayonnaise?

00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:55,495

It's not mayonnaise!

00:15:56,538 --> 00:16:01,668

Okay, uh, anyway, I just wanted to say

I'm sorry, and here.

00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:05,672

- What's this?

- Fresh-squeezed orange juice, with pulp.

00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:09,384

- Just the way you like.

- Aw, thanks, man.

00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:16,099

Hey, Joey? Chandler sold a story

to Archie Comics.

00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:19,519

Oh, my God, that's great! Congratulations!

What's the story?

00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:23,022

Oh, you wouldn't care.

It's just a stupid comic book story.

00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:26,776

Are you kidding me?

I love Archie and the whole gang.

00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:33,574

Well, um, Archie needs money

to fix his jalopy.

00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:40,790

Uh, but he doesn't want Reggie

to just give him the money.

00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:43,668

So Reggie hires him as his assist...

00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:47,755

As his butler.

00:16:48,465 --> 00:16:50,174

And makes him do crazy things...

00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:53,803

...like bring him milk shakes

that can't have lumps.

00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:59,100

Wait a minute.

That sounds a little familiar.

00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:03,604

Did they already do that?

I think I read it!

00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:10,611

Monica, listen. I have to ask.

00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:15,074

Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back

to his apartment.

00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:20,288

- Does he do this with a lot of girls?

- Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot.

00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:22,123

Ah! And I'm one of them.

00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:24,751

Wow.

00:17:24,918 --> 00:17:29,464

I just cannot believe this.

I mean, Joey Tribbiani.

00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:32,091

It's none of my business,

but aren't you married?

00:17:32,342 --> 00:17:33,634

Yeah.

00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:39,098

I wish we could just not be married

for a little bit.

00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:43,227

You know, I just wish we could be,

like, on a break.

00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,107

Well, you're not.

00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:51,819

It's easy for you. You get to

have sex with whoever you want.

00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,654

Yeah, I can. Ha.

00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,616

Don't think I don't. I do.

00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:58,868

I mean, all the time. You bet!

00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:03,247

- Monica?

- Hmm?

00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,542

You've done it, right?

00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,336

[LAUGHS]

00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:13,466

Of course I have. What do you think,

I'm like some 30-year-old virgin?

00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:17,053

Oh, my God.

You're a 30-year-old virgin.

00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:21,516

Louder. I don't think

the guy in the back heard.

00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:23,476

GUY:

Yeah, I heard it.

00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:28,689

It's not like I haven't had

the opportunity.

00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:30,983

- I'm waiting for the perfect guy.

- Mm-hm.

00:18:31,401 --> 00:18:33,861

I'm seeing this guy Roger.

He's not perfect...

00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:36,656

...but, uh, I'm thinking maybe

I should get it over with.

00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:38,908

You know, give him my flower.

00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:46,374

Oh, my God, do it!

Honey, you've waited long enough.

00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:51,212

- You know what? You are right.

- Sex does not have to be a big deal.

00:18:51,421 --> 00:18:54,340

There shouldn't be all these

rules and restrictions.

00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:57,677

People should be able to sleep

with whoever, whenever...

00:18:57,928 --> 00:19:01,556

Rachel. I'm never gonna think it's okay

for you to cheat on your husband.

00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:03,516

Oh, what do you know, virgin?

00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:11,232

Phoebe?

00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:14,443

Why is smoke coming out

of the bathroom?

00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:18,406

PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. The doctor said

that could be one of the side effects.

00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,284

Put the cigarette out.

00:19:21,451 --> 00:19:25,538

PHOEBE: No, it's not a cigarette.

The smoke is coming out of me!

00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:28,749

- Put it out.

PHOEBE: Okay, okay!

00:19:31,086 --> 00:19:34,130

- I'm so glad you're here.

- Come on.

00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:35,506

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:37,717

- I got it. I got it.

- Give it to me! Give it!

00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:39,635

[YELLS]

00:19:43,098 --> 00:19:44,390

Hello?

00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:46,976

No, she can't come to the phone now.

00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:50,688

Oh, right. No problem.

Okay, bye-bye.

00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:53,357

Was it work? Were they mad?

Was it Jack? Did he yell?

00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:56,027

No, just relax. Nobody yelled.

00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,946

Jack was making sure you

were getting better.

00:19:59,114 --> 00:20:00,656

Thank God.

00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:02,575

Yeah, she's fired.

00:20:06,830 --> 00:20:09,081

You've done all you can, Dr. Wesley.

00:20:09,249 --> 00:20:11,292

You've got to let her go.

00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:15,046

Goodbye and Godspeed, Hope Brady.

00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:18,257

Not so fast, Wesley.

00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:23,763

- Ramoray.

- That's right, Wesley.

00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:28,643

I just stopped by to say

that you're not a real doctor.

00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:32,188

And that woman's brain is fine.

00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:35,066

Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.

00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:46,786

- Hope? Hope?

- Drake.

00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:48,371

You're not dying, Hope.

00:20:48,538 --> 00:20:52,583

You're gonna live a long,

healthy life. With me.

00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:54,377

Oh, Drake.

00:20:59,216 --> 00:21:00,716

Okay.

00:21:00,884 --> 00:21:02,385

Here we go.

00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:05,429

Okay. Ahem.

00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:07,515

Mm.

00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:11,477

Hi, Joey? It's Rachel.

00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:14,897

Um, I am free tomorrow night.

00:21:16,525 --> 00:21:19,568

Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some

sandwiches.

00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:27,285

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:55,646

[English - US - SDH]