Эпизод с Рождественским Броненосцем

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I just got reservations

at Michelle's...

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...and tickets to The Music Man

to celebrate...

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...our first holiday

as a betrothed couple.

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- "Betrothed."

- Betrothed couple.

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- Hey.

CHANDLER: Hi.

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- Aw.

- Oh.

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- Pheebs?

PHOEBE: Uh-huh?

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Skull?

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Oh. Yeah, it's my mom's.

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Oh, my God!

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No, no, no. It's not my mom.

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It belonged to my mom.

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She used to put it out

every Christmas...

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...to remind us that even though

it's Christmas, people still die.

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And you can put candy in it.

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[CHUCKLES]

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- Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

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Licorice?

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Sure. Ha, ha.

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- I get Ben for the holidays this year.

- That's great!

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- Are you gonna dress up as Santa?

- Nope.

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I know Susan does every year.

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I want to take this year

to teach him about Hanukkah.

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And maybe I could teach Ben...

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...about the Christmas skull

and how people die.

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You may need to use this year

to teach Ben about Phoebe.

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Mm.

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Hey.

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- Did you know he was in there?

- No.

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- How long have we been home?

- About half an hour.

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Lovely.

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You know what I was thinking?

When we get married, will you, uh...

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...change your name to "Bing"?

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No.

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Why not?

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Bing's weird.

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Oh, hey, you guys.

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MONICA & CHANDLER & PHOEBE:

Hey.

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Guess what?

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My landlord just called.

My apartment's gonna be ready soon.

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I guess I'll be moving out.

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Aw, Phoebe, I'm gonna miss you.

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Yes, you will be very sad.

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- I gotta go tell Rachel the good news.

- Oh. You'll be living together again?

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- Why not?

- She's having so much fun with Joey...

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...I assumed she'd still

be living with him.

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Why do you think

she's having so much fun?

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No reason, except she...

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...told me.

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She said she didn't want

to live with me?

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No. No, she didn't say that.

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I think you should talk to Monica now.

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Phoebe, I'm sure

she wants to live with you.

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You're absolutely sure?

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No, but I'll bet she probably does.

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Oh, probably?

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I don't like that word.

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I know what "probably" really means.

Yeah, uh-huh, yeah.

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"Oh, your mom

probably won't kill herself."

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You know. I'm sorry,

but I'm not hanging my hopes...

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...of Rachel and I living together

on "probably."

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You gotta take care of yourself

in this world.

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History teaches us nothing.

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Bing doesn't seem so weird now,

does it?

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You're home.

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Guess what Phoebe got me

for Christmas?

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[PLAYING DRUMS]

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- Drums?

- No, drums!

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Could we get

two burritos to go, please? Ha, ha.

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I'm sorry. But not that sorry,

you don't have to live with it.

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Um, we have a reservation under Bing.

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Okay, we'll have a table for you

in about 45 minutes.

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We have tickets

to The Music Man at 8.

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I'm sorry.

Christmas is a very busy time, sir.

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Is this because of the burrito thing?

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- You need to give him money.

- It was a joke!

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To get a table. Places like this

are always shaking you down.

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- Everybody wants a payoff.

- All right, calm down, O'Malley.

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- I'll slip him some money.

- But you've got to be smooth.

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Hey, I can be smooth.

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We're in a hurry.

If you could get us a table...

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...a bit quicker, I'd appreciate it.

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- Of course, sir.

- Okay.

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- How'd it go?

- Had the money in the wrong hand.

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[LAUGHING]

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You don't feel...

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...like you're gonna throw up?

- No.

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Well, I do. So let's...

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So, Ben, you, uh...

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You know what holiday is coming up?

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Christmas.

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Yeah, and you know what

other holiday is coming up?

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Christmas Eve.

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Yes, but also...

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Hanukkah!

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See, you're part Jewish

and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday.

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Santa has reindeers that can fly.

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Right, um, but on Hanukkah...

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Hanukkah is a celebration

of a miracle.

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Years and years ago there were

these people called the Maccabees.

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[SINGING]

Jingle bells, jingle bells

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Okay, that's right. Yes...

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...but on Hanukkah, we sing, uh:

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[SINGS] Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel

I made you out of clay

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Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

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Ha, ha. Okay, it's not a contest.

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When is Santa coming?

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How about this year,

instead of Santa...

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...we have fun celebrating Hanukkah?

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No Santa?

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Was I bad?

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No, no, no, you weren't bad.

You've been very good, Ben.

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- Santa's mad at me.

- No, hey, hey, come on.

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Ben, Santa is not mad at you, okay?

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You're his favorite little guy.

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So Santa's coming?

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Yes!

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Santa's coming.

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It's easy. Just keep it casual.

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Shake his hand and give him the money.

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- How do you know so much about this?

- I don't know.

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Richard used to do it, didn't he?

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We'd be eating our soup right now.

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Mustached bastard.

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Those people just left. Come on.

Quick, give him the money.

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Excuse me.

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We're in a bit of a hurry.

Can we please?

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Ah-ha-ha-ha.

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[DRUMS PLAYING NEARBY]

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Ha!

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So you like the drums.

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That's great.

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I was worried that

they would create maybe...

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...an unbearable living situation.

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But, okay, well, apparently not.

So, yay!

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Hey, we already learned a song.

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Ready? One, two, three, four.

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BOTH [IN UNISON]:

Tequila!

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That's fun.

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Here you go.

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Thank you, Gunther.

Put her there.

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Definitely not easier with coins.

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BOTH:

Thank you.

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- Hey, Pheebs.

PHOEBE: Hey.

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Here. Now I only owe you $49.50.

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- Hey, Pheebs.

- Hey.

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If you want to get Joey a gift

that disrupts the entire building...

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...why not something more subtle...

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...like a wrecking ball...

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...or a vial of smallpox

to release in the hallway?

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It's not just the drum noise.

Every five minutes...

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...Joey throws his sticks

in the air...

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...and I have to hear:

"Oh, my eye! Oh, God, my eye!"

00:09:07,588 --> 00:09:10,173

- I mean, it's so annoying.

- Yes, thank you.

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You see, this is how normal people

are supposed to react to drums.

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You got Joey drums to annoy Rachel...

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...so she wouldn't want

to live there anymore?

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Maybe on some level.

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You could just not throw the sticks

up in the air.

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What is rock 'n' roll about that?

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Hey, Joey, I got you another present.

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JOEY: Hold it!

Before you tell me what it is...

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[PLAYING DRUMS]

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Okay, what is it?

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It's a...

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...tarantula!

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Oh.

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God, Rachel, I'm sorry.

What was I thinking...

00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:07,314

...giving Joey this big, gross,

scary spider...

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...in such a poorly constructed cage?

00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:14,487

What are you talking about?

I love them.

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I had a tarantula when I was a kid.

But it died because my cat ate it.

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And then my cat died.

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But, Joey, isn't this cool?

00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:28,585

Is it on me?

I feel like it's on me. I got...

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Oh, isn't that adorable?

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- Joey is afraid of the tarantula.

PHOEBE: Oh.

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He's so adorable.

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He's so much fun.

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I'm glad you're having

so much fun here.

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Whoa. Wait a minute.

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What's the matter?

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Our apartment is ready.

00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:52,359

And that makes you angry because?

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Because you'd rather

live here with Joey.

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- Where did you get that?

- Monica and Chandler...

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...said you were having

so much fun here...

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...and apparently no amount of drums

or tarantulas is gonna change that.

00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:09,751

Did you get all this stuff for Joey...

00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:12,253

...to try to drive me out

of the apartment?

00:11:13,964 --> 00:11:15,924

You might as well

have gotten him a fish.

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You know how fish freak me out.

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Fish.

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But it wouldn't have mattered.

We're gonna live together.

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That's the deal.

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Yes, but I wanted you to want

to live with me.

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But if you're having

so much fun over here...

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Oh. It's so much more fun with you.

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- We did have fun, didn't we?

- We did.

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They say if we want,

we could see it tonight.

00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:43,785

- I would love to.

- Yay, okay!

00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:46,955

- Good, good, good.

- Great. All right. Good.

00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:49,916

And Monica asked me

to make the drumming stop.

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Um, ahem.

00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:56,673

Done.

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Hey.

00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:06,266

Hello, sir.

You here to return those pants?

00:12:12,606 --> 00:12:14,816

No, these are my pants.

00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:16,443

Oh.

00:12:16,610 --> 00:12:18,153

Okay.

00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:22,407

- How can I help you?

- Um, do you have a Santa outfit left?

00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,784

Two days before Christmas?

Sorry, man.

00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:28,955

Okay, look.

Do you have anything, uh, Christmas-y?

00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:32,000

I promised my son, and I really

don't want to disappoint him.

00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:36,337

Um, come on,

you gotta have something.

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I'm the Holiday Armadillo!

00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,636

I'm a friend of Santa's...

00:12:43,804 --> 00:12:46,639

...and he sent me here to wish you...

00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:50,059

...a merry Christmas!

00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:54,397

What happened to Santa,

Holiday Armadillo?

00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:57,984

Santa was unavailable...

00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:01,112

...so close to Christmas.

00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:03,656

Come in, have a seat.

00:13:03,824 --> 00:13:07,786

You must be exhausted,

coming all the way from Texas.

00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:13,208

- Texas?

- That's right, Ben.

00:13:13,375 --> 00:13:15,168

I'm Santa's representative...

00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:19,255

...for all the Southern states.

00:13:19,423 --> 00:13:22,759

And Mexico!

00:13:24,136 --> 00:13:25,720

But Santa sent me here...

00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:29,557

...to give you these presents, Ben.

00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:33,269

Maybe the lady will help me

with these presents.

00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:49,702

Wow, thanks!

00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:51,329

ROSS:

You're welcome, Ben.

00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:54,415

Merry Christmas. Ooh.

00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:58,211

And happy Hanukkah!

00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:02,674

Are you for Hanukkah too?

Because I'm part Jewish.

00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:06,177

You are? Me too.

00:14:06,887 --> 00:14:10,974

Because armadillos

also wandered in the desert?

00:14:12,893 --> 00:14:15,228

You want to wander in the hall?

00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:19,107

Oh. Hey, Ben!

00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,484

What if the Holiday Armadillo...

00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:25,280

...told you all about

the Festival of Lights?

00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:26,531

Cool!

00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,283

MONICA:

Come on, Ben.

00:14:31,495 --> 00:14:33,955

Years and years ago...

00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:36,416

...there were these people called...

00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:38,084

...the Maccabees!

00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:41,796

Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas!

00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:44,632

BEN:

Santa!

00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,217

Hey.

00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:50,054

What are you doing here, Santa?

00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:54,809

Well, I'm here to see

my old buddy, Ben.

00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:57,186

What are you doing here...

00:14:57,396 --> 00:15:01,190

...Weird Turtle Man?

00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:05,945

I'm the Holiday Armadillo...

00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:09,532

...your part-Jewish friend.

00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:14,787

You sent me here

to give Ben some presents.

00:15:14,955 --> 00:15:16,873

Remember?

00:15:18,208 --> 00:15:19,250

What?

00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:24,464

Did you bring me any presents, Santa?

00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:26,341

You bet I did, Ben.

00:15:26,508 --> 00:15:28,551

Put her there.

00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:37,936

Well, it would have worked this time

if his hands weren't so damn small.

00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:43,274

Ho-ho-ho.

00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,109

Ben, come open more presents.

00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:48,196

Santa, the armadillo and I

will have a talk in the kitchen.

00:15:48,822 --> 00:15:51,491

There's a sentence

I never thought I'd say.

00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:54,702

What are you doing?

00:15:54,870 --> 00:15:58,122

You said you were having trouble

finding a Santa costume...

00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:00,792

...so I borrowed one

from a guy at work.

00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:03,586

Thank you, but you gotta leave.

00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:05,254

- Why?

- Because...

00:16:05,422 --> 00:16:08,132

...I'm finally getting him excited

about Hanukkah...

00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:09,842

...and you're wrecking it.

00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:14,138

But I didn't get to shake my belly

like a bowlful of jelly.

00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:21,104

I'm sorry, Chandler,

but this is really important to me.

00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:25,358

Fine, I'll give the suit back.

00:16:25,859 --> 00:16:29,529

Hey, you think you can keep it

another night?

00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:33,741

Santa, really?

00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:35,743

Yeah, is that okay?

00:16:36,370 --> 00:16:39,580

Did your dad ever dress up like Santa?

00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:44,127

- No.

- Then it's okay!

00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:47,588

Okay, Ben. Santa has to go.

00:16:47,756 --> 00:16:49,340

Say goodbye.

00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:52,176

No, why does he have to go?

00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:56,639

Because if Santa and the Holiday...

00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,808

...Armadillo...

00:17:00,894 --> 00:17:03,312

...are ever in the same room

for too long...

00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:06,649

...the universe will implode!

00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:10,611

Merry Christmas!

00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:15,908

No, why can't the armadillo leave?

I want Santa.

00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:19,996

Fine, I give up. Santa...

00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:22,749

Santa can stay!

00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:25,710

Well, I'll stay...

00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:29,464

...but only because I want to hear

about Hanukkah.

00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:32,800

Ben, will you sit here with Santa...

00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:35,219

...and learn about Hanukkah?

00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:37,513

Okay, Santa.

00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,058

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:42,351

All right, it's time...

00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,855

...for the story of Hanukkah.

00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,149

Years and years ago...

00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:52,195

...there were these people

called the Maccabees!

00:17:52,654 --> 00:17:54,864

Merry Christmas!

00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:08,169

Oh, wow, look at this place!

00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:12,548

Oh, this is terrible.

00:18:12,716 --> 00:18:14,217

They've made so many changes...

00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:17,762

...I can't even feel

my grandmother's presence anymore.

00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:20,473

Oh, new sconces!

00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:23,184

- Oh, my God!

- What?

00:18:23,852 --> 00:18:27,480

Remember, uh, how you told me

your grandmother put up that wall...

00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:29,941

...to make that into two bedrooms?

- Yeah.

00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,401

And that the landlord

might find out...

00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:34,737

...and then tear it down?

- Yeah?

00:18:35,572 --> 00:18:38,032

Do you really not know

where I'm going?

00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:40,827

It left. It's one huge room.

00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:43,079

Oh, no!

00:18:43,705 --> 00:18:45,123

[PHOEBE GASPS]

00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:47,041

Wow!

00:18:48,335 --> 00:18:49,544

See?

00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:52,421

I guess we'll have to

put the wall back up.

00:18:52,589 --> 00:18:56,634

- You can't because of the new skylight.

- There's a skylight?

00:18:57,386 --> 00:18:58,761

Wow!

00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:03,099

Oh. So should we start looking

for a new place?

00:19:06,436 --> 00:19:07,937

You know, I'm sensing...

00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:12,191

...that, um, my grandmother

would not be comfortable with that.

00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:14,902

Oh, yeah?

00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:18,072

Starting to feel her again there,

are we?

00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:20,992

- A little bit. Yeah.

- Yeah.

00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:25,872

Is your grandmother maybe saying

that you should live here alone?

00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:28,291

You heard it too? You have the gift.

00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:31,878

Phoebe, it's okay.

00:19:32,045 --> 00:19:34,255

I like living with Joey.

00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:36,883

- Are you sure?

- Please. I hate packing...

00:19:37,050 --> 00:19:38,593

...it's closer to work.

00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,053

And we do have fun.

00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:45,433

Although, I'm really gonna miss

living with you.

00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:47,935

- Oh, me too.

- I know.

00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:51,689

Oh. Did you hear that?

00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,066

I'm getting something

from your grandmother.

00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:57,570

She said since you get to keep

the one-bedroom apartment...

00:19:57,738 --> 00:20:01,282

...you should give Rachel

the purple chair.

00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:05,953

No, I do not hear that.

00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:10,625

And the miracle was that

that little bit of oil...

00:20:10,792 --> 00:20:14,670

...that should have lasted

just one day, burned for...

00:20:14,838 --> 00:20:16,797

- Eight whole days.

ROSS: That's right.

00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:20,843

And that's why we celebrate

Hanukkah today. The end.

00:20:21,011 --> 00:20:23,054

- Awesome.

- Yeah.

00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:24,472

My favorite part...

00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:29,268

...was when Superman

flew all the Jews out of Egypt.

00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:37,944

The armadillo was actually

not so thrilled about that part.

00:20:38,362 --> 00:20:41,072

Okay, Ben, it's time to light...

00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,408

...the Hanukkah candles!

00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:46,202

CHANDLER:

Ho-ho-ho.

00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:54,252

Hey.

00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:55,795

- Oh.

- Wow.

00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:58,422

Looks like the Easter Bunny's

funeral in here.

00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:03,886

Come on, come on.

We're lighting the candles.

00:21:04,054 --> 00:21:05,638

PHOEBE & RACHEL:

Oh, oh.

00:21:09,184 --> 00:21:10,935

I understand why Superman is here...

00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:14,939

...but why is there a porcupine

at the Easter Bunny's funeral?

00:21:23,156 --> 00:21:25,658

JOEY: You get it?

- I got it.

00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:27,702

JOEY:

Back in the cage?

00:21:28,787 --> 00:21:30,913

It's back in the cage.

00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:32,957

JOEY:

Is the cage closed?

00:21:34,668 --> 00:21:37,920

Joey, will you just come out here

and stop being such a baby?

00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:47,096

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:55,021

[English - US - SDH]