Эпизод с кузиной Росса и Моники

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I'm sorry, do I know you?

00:00:12,762 --> 00:00:13,804

What are you doing?

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Practicing blowing you off.

I'm gonna be a big movie star!

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Oh, you got it?

00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:22,646

- Not yet, but the audition went great!

- What's it for?

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A big-budget period movie about

three Italian brothers...

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...who come to America at the turn

of the century. It's classy.

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The director's supposed to be

the next-next Martin Scorsese.

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The "next-next"?

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A guy from Chicago's supposed to be

the next Martin Scorsese.

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This guy's right after him.

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[CELL PHONE RINGS]

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Hello?

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Joey, it's Estelle. I just talked to

the casting people. They loved you!

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They loved me!

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They want to see you again tomorrow.

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- Oh, my God.

ESTELLE [OVER PHONE]: Just one thing.

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Do you have a problem

with full-frontal nudity?

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Are you kidding me?

I never rent a movie without it!

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Oh.

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Uh, okay, let me call you back.

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- What's the matter?

- They want me naked in the movie.

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- Wow.

JOEY: I know.

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- My grandmother's gonna see this.

- Grandma's gonna have to get in line.

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The wedding's so close.

Are you nervous?

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Yeah, but I also can't

wait till it's over.

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We have a pact not to have sex

again until the wedding.

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A "no sex" pact, huh?

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I have one of those with

every woman in America.

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Will you give me a hand

making up the guest bedroom?

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Cousin Cassie's staying with us

for a few days.

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Cassie? I haven't seen her

in, like, forever.

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I wonder if she still carries

a Barbie everywhere?

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- She's 25 years old.

- So? I still...

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You're probably right.

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- Hi.

MONICA & PHOEBE: Hey.

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Pheebs, can I talk to you

over here for a second?

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PHOEBE:

Yeah.

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Subtle, guys.

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What?

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I know you're planning my

surprise bridal shower.

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Ha, okay, well, don't ruin it.

Just play along, at least.

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- Okay. Sorry.

RACHEL: Okay.

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Oh, my God.

We have to throw her a shower?

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What'd you decide to do

about the movie?

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I don't know.

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It's not like it's porn.

This is a serious, legitimate movie.

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Nudity's really important

to the story.

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That's what you say about porn.

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Maybe I shouldn't go on the callback.

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No, you should. A lot of major

actors do nude scenes.

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The chance to star in a movie?

Come on!

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That's true. And I'm only naked in

one scene. It sounds really great.

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My character's Catholic. He falls

in love with a Jewish girl.

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We run away and get caught

in a big rainstorm.

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We go into a barn, undress each other

and hold each other.

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It's really sweet and tender.

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Plus, everyone is gonna

see your thing.

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[LAUGHS]

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When can we have this shower?

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She has so much going on,

we have only two options.

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- We have Friday.

- That's just two days away.

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- What is the other option?

- Yesterday.

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Well, if we make it yesterday,

woo-hoo, we're done.

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It's impossible.

We can't do this by Friday.

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We have to find a place,

invite people, get food.

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There's too much to do.

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- We cannot do it!

- Calm down!

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Okay. I'm sorry, you're right.

I'm sorry.

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Just calm down, woman!

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Phoebe, I already did.

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- All right, then I need to calm down.

- Okay.

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I think we can do this

if we just get organized.

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- Uh-huh.

- We have two days to plan this party.

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- We just need to make fast decisions.

- Mm-hm.

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Where will we have it?

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- Um, here. What time?

- Four o'clock. Food?

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- Finger sandwiches and tea.

- Ooh, great. Very Monica.

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- And chili.

- Ah, you went one too far.

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- Uh, flowers or balloons?

- Both.

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- We're paying for this. Okay.

- Neither.

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- Um, what should we do for the theme?

- "Lusts of the Flesh."

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- What?

- I don't know. Cowboy theme?

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[DOOR OPENS]

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- Hey.

- Hey.

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I'm glad we decided not to sleep

together before the wedding.

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Oh, boy. Me too.

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You know, I was thinking,

if we had a big fight...

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- Mm-hm.

...and, uh, we broke up for a few hours.

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- Yeah.

- Technically, we could have sex again.

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What do you think,

bossy and domineering?

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The wedding's off,

sloppy and immature.

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- That's me. Come on.

- Okay.

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Wait. Cassie's in the guest room.

We're going to lunch.

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Get rid of her, obsessive and shrill!

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Shrill? The wedding is back on.

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[DOOR OPENS]

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I thought I heard voices.

You must be Chandler.

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- Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you too.

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- So, ready to go?

- Yeah.

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- Chandler?

- I'll be right with you.

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- Cassie needs to stay at your place.

- Why?

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Because "Pervie Perverson" here

can't stop staring at her.

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Chandler, she's our cousin!

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I wasn't staring.

I was listening intently.

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It's called being a good

conversationalist. Watch.

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Say something.

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You were staring about eight inches

south of there.

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Fine. She can stay at my place.

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What does Cassie look like now?

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- She looks exactly like Aunt Marilyn.

ROSS: Huh.

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So this Aunt Marilyn,

is she coming to the wedding?

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Wafer-thin ice.

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Hey, I'm back.

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Hi, Joey.

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Uh, so, will I be reading

the same scene again?

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I tried to call you.

You didn't need to come today.

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Oh, great.

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I'd have been perfect for this part.

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You made a bad decision and

ruined your movie. Good day!

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You didn't need to come, because the

director saw your tape and loved it.

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And scene.

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Huh? Wasn't that fun?

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We did a little improv there. Yeah!

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So, you... You were saying?

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The director wants to meet you

tomorrow.

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Wow. Sure. That's great.

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Your agent said you're okay

with nudity.

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Yeah, sure. As long as

it's handled tastefully.

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And that barn is not too cold.

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Terrific.

Well, uh, there's one more thing.

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Uh... Uh, it's important to the director

that everything in the movie is authentic.

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In your love scene with Sarah...

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...she talks about how she's never

seen a naked man who wasn't Jewish.

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So...

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[CHUCKLES]

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So, what?

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So, uh, well, the director is insisting

that whoever play that part...

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...be authentically, uh, anatomically...

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...not Jewish.

You know what I'm saying?

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Yes!

00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:46,900

No. What?

00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:53,365

An Italian Catholic immigrant

at this time would not be...

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Bar mitzvah-ed?

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- To get this part, you can't be...

- No.

00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:03,875

- But you are?

- Yep.

00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:06,545

- You told them you weren't?

- That's right.

00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,130

Wow. Wow.

00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:12,551

It's definitely all gone?

There's nothing there to work with?

00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:20,642

- What were you thinking?

- I don't know. I just want this part.

00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:25,063

They say no matter what you're asked

during an audition, say yes.

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They want you to ride a horse,

say you can.

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You figure out how to do it later.

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This is not like learning to ride

a horse. This is like learning to...

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...grow a turtleneck.

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I know, okay? Tomorrow,

when I go meet the director...

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...I have to take my clothes off so

they can see what my body looks like.

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Oh, my God. What are you gonna do?

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I have to call my agent

and tell her I can't do the part.

00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:02,225

[JOEY SIGHS]

00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:03,727

Unless...

00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:06,605

Unless what?

00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:11,026

This may sound crazy, but there may

be something we could...

00:10:11,193 --> 00:10:12,402

...fashion.

00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:19,576

- Like what?

- Well, I'm not sure yet, but, um...

00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:22,120

...off the top of my head,

I'm thinking...

00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:26,791

...double-sided tape

and some sort of luncheon meat.

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I've got a great idea for party

favors for the shower.

00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:41,473

We get mahogany boxes and

carve everyone's names in them.

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Then inside is each person's

individual birthstone.

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Okay. Okay.

00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:53,109

- All right, you take care of that.

- Okay.

00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:58,823

Meanwhile, the party's tomorrow

and we don't have a guest list.

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Okay. Who do we know that's coming?

Me. Are you?

00:11:06,957 --> 00:11:08,458

- Hey.

- Hey, what's up?

00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:12,337

I'm making something for Joey.

Can I raid your fridge?

00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,339

Have at it.

00:11:15,299 --> 00:11:19,469

All right. Turkey?

Mm, that won't work.

00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:22,138

Cheese? That won't work.

00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:26,059

Olive loaf? I hope that won't work.

00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:29,771

Are you making him a sandwich?

00:11:30,856 --> 00:11:33,441

No, it's, um, more like a wrap.

00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:37,862

Okay, so, um, I'm gonna go, guys.

00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:41,741

So you can get back to deciding on

what to get me for a present!

00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:43,118

[GIGGLES]

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[PHOEBE AND RACHEL CHUCKLE]

00:11:44,578 --> 00:11:45,620

[DOOR CLOSES]

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We have to get her a present?

00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:52,210

Okay, but look. Look at what I got.

00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:54,504

It's her address book.

We have a guest list.

00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:56,339

Ah.

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You're amazing. Did you pull

that out of her purse?

00:12:00,928 --> 00:12:03,430

Uh-huh. And a little seed money

for the party.

00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:05,265

Oh, nice.

00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,438

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

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[CASSIE SIGHS]

00:12:13,524 --> 00:12:15,316

Cassie?

00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:18,027

- Hey, Ross.

- [STAMMERS] Hi. Ha, ha.

00:12:18,195 --> 00:12:20,780

It's been so long!

00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:23,241

Last time I saw you...

00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:27,078

...you were setting up your tent

in line for Return of the Jedi.

00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:28,580

[STAMMERS]

Oh, uh, that's right.

00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:33,293

So you did see me that day.

Because it seemed like you didn't.

00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:34,502

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:38,214

- Yeah, sorry about that.

- It's okay. Come on in.

00:12:38,382 --> 00:12:42,427

Thanks for letting me stay here.

Monica's place was nice.

00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:46,055

But her fiancé sure stares a lot.

00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:47,807

Oh.

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Oh, my God! You do a great Chandler!

00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:14,000

Uh-huh.

00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:15,335

[CASSIE GIGGLES]

00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:18,129

Yeah, I have a knack for impressions.

00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:21,424

Well, maybe after we get re-acquainted,

uh, you could do me.

00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,551

Yeah. No!

00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:36,105

Cassie, how you...?

How you doing on that...

00:13:36,273 --> 00:13:37,982

...hot dog?

00:13:40,319 --> 00:13:43,530

- I'm all done.

- Thank God.

00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:49,619

The last time we hung out was when

our parents rented that beach house.

00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:51,996

Oh, right, right.

Ooh, remember the time...

00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:55,667

...l, uh, pinned you down

and tickled you until you cried?

00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,293

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

00:13:57,461 --> 00:14:00,421

We're probably too old to do that now.

00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:07,637

I'll always remember that summer.

It's when I got all these freckles.

00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:09,347

Uh-huh, Uh-huh.

00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:12,475

And... And I'll always remember

that summer...

00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:17,480

...because that's when I realized

that we are related.

00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:19,649

It took you that long

to figure it out, huh?

00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,192

Um, I'm a little slow.

00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,861

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,614

Just as our children would be.

00:14:33,622 --> 00:14:34,789

- Hi.

WOMAN 1: Hi.

00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:37,500

How are you? Good. Hi.

Thanks for coming.

00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:40,587

WOMAN 2: Oh, thank you.

- Thank you. So nice to see you.

00:14:40,754 --> 00:14:43,673

WOMAN 3: No, thanks.

- Okay. Hey, Rach?

00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:46,718

- Yeah?

- Who the hell are all these people?

00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:50,013

I don't know.

I called everybody in her book.

00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:53,725

These are the ones that could

show up on 24 hours' notice.

00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:57,520

There's a word for people like that:

Losers.

00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:02,442

Hi, I'm Rachel. This is Phoebe.

I'm the maid of honor.

00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:03,735

How do you know Monica?

00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,487

- I was her accountant four years ago.

- Oh...

00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:10,867

I'm interested to find out who's been

doing her taxes the last four years.

00:15:12,703 --> 00:15:14,370

That's great.

00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:19,500

- When is Monica supposed to get here?

RACHEL & PHOEBE: I don't know.

00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,170

Excuse us.

00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:27,175

- You didn't tell her?

- You were supposed to.

00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:31,220

You were supposed to tell her to come!

I was bringing the cake!

00:15:31,388 --> 00:15:35,516

- Fine, I'll go call her.

- And please tell her to bring a cake!

00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:41,689

[DOOR OPENS]

00:15:41,857 --> 00:15:46,694

We have a lot of options. A number

of prototypes for you to try on.

00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:48,905

Wow, those look great.

00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:53,910

Okay, this one's a mushroom cap.

Uh, this one is made of bologna.

00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:56,871

- And... And the toothpicks?

- Just until the glue dries.

00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:58,414

Thank God.

00:15:58,582 --> 00:15:59,791

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:03,294

These are more realistic,

but perishable.

00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:06,798

Over here, we have pink suede,

which is nice.

00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:09,509

But if it gets wet, it'll shrink.

00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:12,428

Maybe we'll just

take that one away.

00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:18,142

I also did a little something in fur,

but, uh, that's really just for me.

00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:25,358

Why don't you try these on?

We'll get a better idea of what works.

00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:29,070

Thanks, you are such a good friend.

And this is so weird.

00:16:35,953 --> 00:16:36,995

JOEY:

Ow.

00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:39,414

- Toothpick?

JOEY: Yeah.

00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:43,126

- What are you trying now?

JOEY: The Fruit Roll-up.

00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:45,378

- And?

JOEY: Delicious.

00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:47,922

Joey.

00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:51,426

JOEY: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We have a winner!

00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:52,927

What? Which one?

00:16:54,221 --> 00:16:56,973

The Silly Putty.

Not so silly anymore!

00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,933

[JOEY LAUGHS]

00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:07,233

[WEAPONS FIRING ON TV]

00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:12,739

ROSS:

She's your cousin. She's your cousin.

00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:18,411

If she knew what was going on in

your head, she'd think you were sick.

00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:28,421

Or would she?

Let's back up for a second.

00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:33,509

She was the one who suggested

opening a bottle of wine.

00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:36,721

She was the one who

turned down the lights.

00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:40,558

She was the one that wanted to rent

Logan's Run...

00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:43,728

...the sexiest movie ever.

00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:49,192

I know that look.

00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:53,738

Forget it. I want it. She wants it.

00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,948

I'm going in.

00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:04,707

[CASSIE YELPS]

00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:06,959

What the hell are you doing?

00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:10,880

ROSS:

Say something clever.

00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,134

Okay, doesn't have to be clever.

00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:19,222

Just has to be words. Say some words.

00:18:20,015 --> 00:18:23,184

Any words will do.

00:18:24,686 --> 00:18:27,396

Oh, my God, this is the longest...

00:18:27,564 --> 00:18:32,527

...that anyone has not talked ever!

00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,572

There is nothing you could say

to make this worse...

00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:40,451

...so just say something!

00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:46,040

[STAMMERS]

I haven't had sex in a very long time.

00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:52,380

ROSS: Yeah, you really

shouldn't have said anything.

00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,343

Phoebe? Rachel? It's Monica.

00:18:57,511 --> 00:19:01,806

I wonder what you could possibly

need me for on such short notice?

00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:06,310

Oh.

00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:10,273

- Oh, Monica. We are so sorry.

- For what?

00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:14,318

First, for forgetting to

throw you a bridal shower.

00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:16,946

Then, forgetting to invite you to it.

00:19:19,366 --> 00:19:20,867

You already had it?

00:19:21,034 --> 00:19:24,370

We called everyone in your phone book.

A bunch of people came.

00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:27,915

It took us so long to get you here

that they had to leave.

00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:33,087

We wanted to throw you a big surprise

and a great shower.

00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,173

Now you don't have either.

00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:36,799

- We ruined everything.

- Ugh.

00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:41,804

No, wait a minute, that's not true.

What you did was really sweet.

00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:45,474

- It kind of works out for the best, heh.

- What do you mean?

00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:50,229

Now I get to spend my shower

with the only people I really love.

00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:55,234

I get all those presents without

talking to people I don't even like!

00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:03,826

- Surprise.

- Surprise, Monica.

00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:12,835

What's cool is, the character

is from Naples, right?

00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:15,838

DIRECTOR: Yeah.

- My whole family's from Naples.

00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:21,260

That's great. Okay. I've heard

everything I need to hear...

00:20:21,428 --> 00:20:23,930

We just need to, uh...

00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,015

Leslie?

00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:30,269

- Uh, Joey, this is the awkward part.

- Oh, hey, right. Not a problem.

00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:33,189

I totally understand you need to...

00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:36,984

...make sure I don't have any

horrible scars or tattoos.

00:20:37,152 --> 00:20:38,527

Don't you worry.

00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:41,656

I have nothing to hide.

00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:45,910

So, there you go. That's me.

00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:48,704

One hundred-percent natural.

00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:50,206

[THUD]

00:21:04,137 --> 00:21:07,640

I tell you, that has never

happened before.

00:21:14,147 --> 00:21:16,482

Cassie, are you finding

everything okay?

00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:19,443

CASSIE: Yeah. Thank you so much

for letting me stay here.

00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:21,821

Oh, it's no problem. I've...

00:21:40,007 --> 00:21:41,048

What?

00:21:41,633 --> 00:21:44,385

PHOEBE:

Say something. Say anything.

00:21:44,678 --> 00:21:47,430

Ask her out! She's not your cousin!

00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:54,979

[English - US - SDH]