Эпизод с видео о родах

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RACHEL: Happy Valentine's Day!

- You too!

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Hey, so, uh, how's it going

living over at Ross'?

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It's good, except he makes us watch

the Discovery Channel all day long.

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Did you know that something

really boring...

00:00:18,309 --> 00:00:21,478

...happened to someone

really ugly in the Middle Ages?

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- Thank you. See you guys later.

- Okay.

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- Bye.

- Bye.

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That is one lucky

to-go cup of coffee.

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Oh, honey.

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I wish you'd get over her.

I hate seeing you like this.

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Is there anything I can do for you?

Do you wanna look down my top?

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Thanks. Maybe later.

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- Oh, Gunther, can I get a scone?

- You want anything?

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You know what I want?

I want a lot of things.

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I wanna be with the woman I love

on Valentine's Day!

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I want her to love me back.

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And I want one moment of relief...

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...from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing

that's never gonna happen!

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We have red bagels.

00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:09,943

Okay.

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So how does Mona feel about

you and Rachel living together?

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I'm on my way to tell her right now.

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She's been away all week visiting parents,

but she'll be cool.

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She's been so supportive.

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She even got the baby a tiny T-shirt

that says, "Fossils are my friends."

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Ugh, come on, Mona. Don't kiss ass.

00:02:08,878 --> 00:02:10,796

- So, uh, I'm gonna take off.

- All right.

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Oh, shoot! Oh, shoot!

Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape.

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- What is it?

- A video of my friend giving birth.

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- Could you bring it back to your apartment?

- All right.

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"Candy and Cookie"?

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Yeah, Candy's the mother,

Cookie's the daughter.

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The father's name is also Cookie.

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Why am I friends with these people?

00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,948

Phoebe, come here. I wanna show you

something in the bathroom.

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Ugh, Monica, grow up.

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- What do you got behind your back?

- Nothing.

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Just something I want

Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day.

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- You don't want my opinion?

- Not really.

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Come on, I'm your older brother.

Ask me.

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Oh, okay, big brother. Um...

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Which one would make

your little sister look hotter...

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...so your best friend

would want to do her?

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The red one.

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[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

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- Hey.

- Mm.

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I know you've been depressed lately,

so I brought someone to cheer you up.

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Right outside this door

is a real, live, furry playmate.

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No, I'm not sleeping

with your friend Jane again.

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PHOEBE: Hee-hee!

- Hey, a dog! Oh, hi!

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Who, you gotta admit,

looks a lot like Jane.

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This is the happiest dog in the world.

I borrowed him from my friend Wendy.

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So you can keep him until he cheers

you up. And he will cheer you up.

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Thanks so much, Pheebs.

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We are gonna have so much fun!

Yes we are!

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Oh, not that kind of fun.

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- Happy Valentine's!

MONICA: Hey!

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I'll be right out.

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I'm slipping into something a little less

comfortable and a little more slutty.

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"Candy and Cookie"?

00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:24,012

Monica got me porn?

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Girl-on-girl porn?

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She really must love me!

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[WOMAN ON TV MOANS]

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MAN [ON TV]: Yeah, just relax.

- I love you, St. Valentine.

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[WOMAN GROANING]

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[WOMAN SCREAMS]

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Whoa, whoa, that's not pretty.

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MAN: Now push!

WOMAN: Unh!

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Ow! Oh, God, it hurts!

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Worst porn ever!

Worst porn ever!

00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:10,726

WOMAN: Oh, make it stop!

- I am trying!

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Get the ball. Ready? Get the ball!

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You're cute, but you're not too smart.

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Yeah. Did I just throw this?

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- Hi.

- Hi.

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I accidentally packed these

with my stuff.

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- Who is this?

- That's, uh, Phoebe's friend's dog.

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I don't know his real name.

I call him Mozzarella.

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Ohh, you are so cute. I wish I could play

with you more, but I've gotta go to work.

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I hope I stop talking like this before

my marketing meeting. Yes, I do.

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Bye-bye, Joey.

Seriously, I can't stop it.

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Come here! Hey!

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Hey. That's Rachel.

She's the one who used to live here.

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Might as well be honest with you.

We love her.

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But we can't have her. No.

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I really miss her.

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Hey, you understand, right?

You're a guy.

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Well, you used to be.

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So, what do you think?

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I've still got it.

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- Why did you get me this?

- What is it?

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It's yelling, bleeding, dilating.

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Oh, the dilating!

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Is this the video of the baby being born?

This is Phoebe's.

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Why were you even watching it?

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I thought maybe you got me porn

for Valentine's Day.

00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:09,469

Chandler, if you thought I was gonna

get you porn for Valentine's Day...

00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:11,638

...you were right.

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Apparently, it's about a girl who moves

to the city in search of stardom...

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...but ends up having sex

with a lot of guys.

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It got four stars.

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Oh, wait a minute. Those aren't stars.

00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:29,322

- Anyway, you wanna take a look?

- Well...

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- I'm not really in a sexy mood right now.

- Hey, what's going on?

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Well, remember the first time

you saw Jaws...

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...how long it took

to go back in the water?

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Chandler, we can't let this tape

wreck Valentine's Day.

00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:52,012

- You don't know. You didn't see it.

- Childbirth is a natural thing. It's beautiful.

00:07:52,221 --> 00:07:54,764

Oh, beautiful? Really? Huh, really?

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You think this is beautiful?

00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:59,186

[WOMAN SCREAMING ON TV]

00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:05,066

Oh, my God!

No wonder my mother hates me!

00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:09,821

- See, honey, there's...

- Don't touch me!

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- Hi!

- Hey!

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- Hi.

- Hi.

00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:18,163

- So how was Atlantic City?

- Good.

00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,832

- I brought you back a present.

- What...?

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Come on, you didn't have to...

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- Saltwater taffy?

- Ha-ha-ha.

00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,215

- Thanks.

- Mm.

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It's interesting, most people think

this is made with seawater.

00:08:31,552 --> 00:08:35,472

But it's actually made with,

uh, salted fresh water.

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That's not interesting.

00:08:38,976 --> 00:08:42,437

- I think it's interesting.

- I do too. I missed you!

00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:45,732

- Me too. How was your week?

- Oh, it was good.

00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:48,693

- Actually, the baby started kicking.

- How exciting.

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Yeah, aw. It was amazing.

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The only sad thing is, I wasn't around

when it happened the first time.

00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:58,662

- Oh, no.

- I was missing out on all this stuff.

00:08:58,829 --> 00:09:03,875

- Joey suggested Rachel move in with me.

- Ha, ha. Yeah, right.

00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:07,671

- What?

- Joey cracks me up.

00:09:07,838 --> 00:09:12,050

"Yeah, have your ex-wife move in.

That wouldn't be awkward at all." Heh.

00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,846

Huh. Heh.

00:09:17,014 --> 00:09:19,057

Hey, imagine, I go away for a few days...

00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:22,644

...I come back and my boyfriend is living

with some woman he got pregnant.

00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:24,396

[LAUGHING]

00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,692

So, what'd you tell him?

00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:32,237

[MUMBLES]

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How could you not tell Mona

that Rachel is living with you?

00:09:43,457 --> 00:09:47,085

I don't know. She seemed to think

it was such a crazy idea.

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Plus, she, uh... She got me taffy.

00:09:51,507 --> 00:09:54,342

- Taffy, really? I've never had any.

- Ever?

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My mother was too busy planning her

suicide to provide saltwater treats.

00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:01,683

Thank you.

00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:04,436

So are you just never gonna tell her?

00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:07,147

No, no, I will.

I just want to butter her up first.

00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:09,816

I'm gonna take her to an amazing

Valentine's dinner...

00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:12,152

...do all this romantic stuff.

00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:15,488

And then, when she thinks

I'm the best boyfriend in the world...

00:10:15,656 --> 00:10:19,743

...then I tell her my pregnant

ex-girlfriend is living with me.

00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:23,747

If I haven't said it before,

she's a lucky, lucky lady.

00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:29,919

So where are...? What the

mother of crap is up with this stuff?

00:10:31,505 --> 00:10:35,800

God, is it gum? Is it food?

What's the deal?

00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:40,555

Oh, it's nice.

May I try a pink one?

00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:49,189

So between her and me being friends,

and her history with Ross...

00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:51,483

...it just isn't gonna happen.

00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:55,987

It'd be like you falling in love

with a cat.

00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:57,989

- Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

00:10:58,157 --> 00:11:04,412

Hey, buddy. How's my favorite dog, huh?

How's my favorite dog?

00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:06,998

You're subdued.

00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:11,002

- Did you give him a beer?

- No.

00:11:11,462 --> 00:11:15,173

- Will you excuse us? We need to talk.

- Sure.

00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,343

Oh, me, right.

00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:24,891

- He's miserable. What happened to him?

- Nothing.

00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,477

- We just talked about stuff.

- What stuff?

00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:30,146

Rachel stuff.

00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:36,152

Oh, Joey, you bummed him out!

This is the happiest dog in the world.

00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:38,822

He spends a day with you,

and look at him.

00:11:40,741 --> 00:11:42,534

He's breathing.

00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:46,121

- I'll take him back to Wendy's.

- No, no, no. He's fine.

00:11:46,330 --> 00:11:47,372

Hey, look. Look.

00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,124

Here's your ball! Get the ball!

00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:52,961

Get your ball! Get your ball!

Get your ball!

00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:57,215

Get... God, what have I done to you?

Huh?

00:11:57,383 --> 00:12:00,927

I broke the dog, Pheebs!

I broke the dog!

00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:07,392

I'm, uh, going to pick up Mona.

What you got going on tonight?

00:12:07,643 --> 00:12:10,061

Oh, I've got big Valentine's plans.

00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:14,566

I've got Chinese food on the way,

and the rest of your saltwater taffy.

00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:19,070

It's interesting. Most people think that's

made with seawater, when in fact...

00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:21,781

Ross, we actually watched

the documentary together.

00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:24,033

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:26,911

Oh, my Chinese food.

I'll get my cash.

00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:33,752

Mona?

00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:36,421

- What are...? Hi!

- Hi.

00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:40,383

What are you doing here?

I'm supposed to pick you up.

00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:44,429

Change of plans, I made you

a Valentine's dinner. Surprise!

00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:46,055

[SCREAMS]

00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:52,312

- Oh! Hey, Mona!

- Hi... Hi, Rachel.

00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:54,606

What's she doing here?

00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:57,192

I have no idea.

00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:01,488

I'll be watching TV

if anybody needs me.

00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:03,573

Seriously, what is she doing?

00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:07,160

Uh, you know, lately she just likes

hanging out here.

00:13:07,411 --> 00:13:10,705

- Why?

- I think she's lonely.

00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:13,500

- But it's Valentine's Day.

- I know.

00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:14,834

Can't we ask her to go?

00:13:15,085 --> 00:13:18,379

Well, no, she's way too emotional.

00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:22,008

And by emotional, I mean crazy!

00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:23,885

[DOORBELL RINGS]

00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:27,555

I'm not here!

That's just my Chinese food.

00:13:27,765 --> 00:13:29,766

Oh, my God,

she has food delivered here?

00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:34,771

Mm-hm, yes, she's emotional, but ballsy.

00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:39,943

You know what? I'm gonna

get in my sweats and eat this in bed.

00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:47,700

And you thought

she was gonna be in our way!

00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:52,789

Okay, why don't you, uh, open

the champagne, and I will be right back.

00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:56,459

- I've got a surprise for you.

- You got another ex-wife back there?

00:13:56,627 --> 00:14:00,630

Ho, oh! Heh. Please start drinking.

00:14:05,719 --> 00:14:09,848

- I'm just gonna grab the phone.

- Oh, Rachel, wait. Hey, um...

00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:12,809

I hope you don't take this

the wrong way, but, um...

00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:16,437

- What are you doing?

- Sorry, do you need the phone?

00:14:16,605 --> 00:14:18,439

No. No.

00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:22,235

Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything,

but this is his apartment.

00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:24,362

And we gotta have some boundaries.

00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:27,240

So why don't you go to your place

and give us some privacy?

00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:30,368

But, Mona, I live here.

00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:36,291

Happy Valentine's Day!

00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:45,133

Or, something to remember me by.

00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:56,686

- How long has it been this time?

- Ninety seconds.

00:14:56,937 --> 00:15:00,773

That's better. Ninety seconds

is a long time not to think about it.

00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:03,693

Except all I did was think about it.

00:15:03,944 --> 00:15:05,570

I know. It haunts me.

00:15:05,821 --> 00:15:07,822

Up until now, the worst thing I ever saw...

00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:11,159

...was my father doing tequila shots

off the naked houseboy.

00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:15,997

After this, I would gladly

make that my screen saver.

00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:17,874

We have to get past this.

00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:21,294

Why don't we get rid of the tape

and pretend it never existed.

00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,671

- I could do that.

- Okay.

00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:31,054

Okay, now all we gotta do

is get rid of this chair.

00:15:33,515 --> 00:15:35,224

Come here.

00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:46,903

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:48,821

- Oh, thank God!

- Oi.

00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:50,949

Come in!

00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:54,243

Hi. I'm sorry to barge in

on your Valentine.

00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:58,206

I had to get away from the yelling.

Mona is dumping Ross.

00:15:58,415 --> 00:16:00,750

- Oh, my God.

- Poor Ross.

00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,090

Oh, great. We have to watch him

do yoga in his underwear...

00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:09,384

...but for this he closes the drapes.

00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:13,221

Rach, you know that birthing tape

you wanted to see?

00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,306

RACHEL: Mm-hm.

- It's here.

00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:19,602

Oh, and we should warn you before

you watch it. Don't watch it.

00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:22,313

Why, you saw it? Is it scary?

00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:26,234

Let's just say it's ironic how footage

of someone being born...

00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:29,320

...can make you want to kill yourself.

00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:34,075

Now, wait, now I'm all freaked out.

You guys will watch it with me?

00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:38,913

No, but I will leave a sweater that

smells like me right next to you.

00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:43,376

Come on, seriously, you're not gonna

make me watch this alone.

00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:49,215

She's right. Of course not.

00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:51,592

Honey, get the tape.

00:16:58,642 --> 00:17:02,645

This reminds me of a very specific

part of the tape.

00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:08,026

Okay. Here we go.

00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:09,944

Okay. Ahem.

00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:11,863

[WOMAN ON TV MOANS]

00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:13,740

Oh, my.

00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:14,991

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

00:17:15,159 --> 00:17:17,410

MAN:

All right, baby. One more time.

00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:20,955

Why is that baby torturing that woman?

00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:24,667

Why have I seen this thing

three times?

00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:27,879

It's still beautiful.

00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:31,382

- Aah! It's horrible!

- I know, I know!

00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:33,718

- I'm so sorry for you!

- Oh, my God!

00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:38,681

- You guys! You guys, look!

- What? Did her ass explode?

00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:40,975

[BABY CRYING ON TV]

00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:44,312

No, the baby's out. Look. Look.

00:17:45,981 --> 00:17:50,151

Look at those little fingers and toes.

00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,487

And look how happy the mom is now.

00:17:53,697 --> 00:17:58,076

- Oh, Rach.

- Screw you! You don't have to do it!

00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:03,998

- Hey.

- Hey! What...

00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:07,794

- What's up?

- Uh, Mona just dumped me.

00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:10,797

Oh, man, I'm sorry. Why?

00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:15,510

With everything going on lately,

I haven't exactly been the perfect boyfriend.

00:18:15,677 --> 00:18:18,346

I didn't tell her

I got Rachel pregnant.

00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:23,684

I gave her a key to my apartment

and then had the locks changed.

00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:27,438

Then I lied to her about Rachel

moving in with me.

00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:32,610

In a way, I judge her for not

breaking up with me sooner.

00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:35,780

That really sucks.

Especially on Valentine's Day.

00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:40,535

Yeah. Wait a minute.

What are you doing here?

00:18:40,744 --> 00:18:43,621

Joey Tribbiani without a date

on Valentine's Day?

00:18:43,872 --> 00:18:47,166

What's going on, huh? Girl trouble?

Heh.

00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,962

- Sort of. Ha, ha.

- Really?

00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:53,673

You don't have to seem

so happy about it.

00:18:53,841 --> 00:18:58,469

- Sorry. Well, uh, maybe I can help.

- Oh, I...

00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:02,056

Whatever it is,

I am sure it has happened to me.

00:19:03,183 --> 00:19:07,145

You know, actually,

once I got dumped during sex.

00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:16,237

- So anyway, uh, what is it?

- Forget about it. It's no big deal.

00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:18,948

- Come on, what is it?

- It's nothing.

00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:21,951

Hey, it's me.

Why can't you tell me?

00:19:24,454 --> 00:19:28,082

Okay. Uh, sit down. Um...

00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:35,715

There's this woman that I like a lot.

00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:38,092

But, uh, it can't happen.

00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:40,845

She's not a Tribbiani?

00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:44,682

No!

00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:49,103

So, uh... So is she someone from work?

00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:51,689

Yes.

00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:54,275

Well, um, does she like you?

00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,571

Sometimes I think maybe she could.

00:19:58,822 --> 00:20:01,407

But it doesn't matter,

I can't do anything about it.

00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:02,742

Why not?

00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:04,744

It's complicated.

00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,831

She was with this other guy.

For a long time.

00:20:09,082 --> 00:20:10,833

Someone from work too.

00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:12,668

And, uh...

00:20:12,836 --> 00:20:16,339

I could never do that to the guy.

We're friends.

00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:22,428

So, uh, this guy she used to go out with,

is he still in love with her?

00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:25,514

- No, I don't think so.

- Okay.

00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:27,516

Is he a good guy?

00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:31,103

Yeah, he's the best.

00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:34,023

- Then talk to him. He might be fine.

- I don't know.

00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:37,443

It's worth finding out,

if you really like her.

00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:39,278

I do, so much.

00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:42,365

I can't stop thinking about her.

I can't sleep...

00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:46,035

Okay, Joey, you know what?

You have to go for it.

00:20:46,286 --> 00:20:51,415

How often does this happen to you?

You owe it to yourself.

00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:54,085

Here's your warm milk.

00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:01,759

I'm gonna put the bourbon

in it at home.

00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:03,511

Yeah.

00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:08,683

Anyway, seriously,

just talk to the guy, okay?

00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:11,310

Let me know how it goes.

00:21:12,729 --> 00:21:14,647

It's Rachel.

00:21:24,574 --> 00:21:27,868

RACHEL: You're gonna have a baby

and you need to be prepared.

00:21:28,036 --> 00:21:32,832

You're gonna make yourself watch

the whole thing. Just do it!

00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:39,046

WOMAN [ON TV]:

Heh, I came to the big city to become a star.

00:21:40,257 --> 00:21:43,926

- I'll do anything to make that happen.

MAN [ON TV]: Anything?

00:21:44,094 --> 00:21:48,681

RACHEL: Hmm. Maybe it starts

with how she gets pregnant.

00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:55,146

[English - US - SDH]