Эпизод с интервью Джоуи

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So I'm in my apartment doing

the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle...

00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:11,637

...and guess who is the clue

for three down?

00:00:11,804 --> 00:00:15,683

Three down. "Days of Our Lives star,

blank Tribbiani."

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That's me! I'm blank! Hey.

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How cool is. We know three down.

I'm touching three down.

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Yeah, you are, baby.

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Three down knows I'm married.

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- What's three down doing?

- Sorry.

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So do they call you to tell you

your name's gonna be in this?

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No. They really liked me there.

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They wanted to do a profile on me.

I said no.

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Why'd you say no?

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Remember what happened

the last time I did an interview?

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I said I write a lot of my own lines,

then the writers got mad...

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...and made my character fell down

the elevator shaft.

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So who knows

what I might say this time?

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If only there was something in your head

to control the things you say.

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Oh, come on, Joey,

you'll totally keep it in check this time.

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And plus, you know, the publicity

would be really good for your career.

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And you deserve that.

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And if you do the interview,

you could mention...

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...oh, I don't know, gal pal Rachel Green.

00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:11,072

Is that "gal pal" spelled L-O-S-E-R?

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Okay, don't listen to him. Please?

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Fine, all right, I'll do it.

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But, hey. You guys have to be

at the next table...

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...so you can stop me if I,

you know, start to say something stupid.

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Just then or all the time?

Because we have jobs, you know?

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Come on, we will be there for you

the whole time. Just remember:

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Gal pal, Rachel Green.

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I'm gonna be in Soap Opera Digest.

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And not just in the dumb

crossword puzzle.

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- Seriously, proud of you.

- Yeah.

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I really appreciate you

taking the time to do this.

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Oh, not at all. Happy to do it.

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You think we're being obvious?

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No. We're just four people with

neck problems, who talk like this.

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I think it's great

that you wanted to meet here.

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When most people hear

that the magazine's paying for it...

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...they want a big, fancy restaurant.

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Actually, I didn't know

the magazine was paying.

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Wouldn't have mattered.

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I'm doing this for the fans,

not the free food. Ha, ha.

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- Can I get you anything?

- I'll have a cup of coffee.

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Yeah, and I'll have all the muffins.

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- Hey.

- Shh. We're not talking.

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Oh, finally. Ugh.

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So according to your bio, you've done

quite a bit of work before Days of Our Lives.

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Anything that you're

particularly proud of?

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[SINGING]

All you want is a dingle

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What you envy's a shwang

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A thing through which you can tinkle

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Or play with, or simply let hang

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Folks, this ever happen to you?

You go to the fridge to get a glass of milk...

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...but these darn cartons

are so fringing-flanging hard to open.

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Boy, you said it, Mike. I don't--

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Oh, oh.

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- There's gotta be a better way.

- And there is, Kevin.

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He's never used this product before.

00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:10,000

You're gonna see how easy this is to do.

Go ahead.

00:04:10,793 --> 00:04:13,837

- This works in any milk carton.

- Wow, it is easy.

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- Now I can have milk every day.

CROWD: Ah.

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So this is it, Victor?

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Yeah, I guess it is. And so...

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...I'm gonna get on this spaceship...

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...and I'm gonna go to Blargon 7

in search of alternative fuels.

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But when I return 200 years from now,

you'll be long gone.

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But I won't have aged at all.

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So you tell your great-great-

granddaughter to look me up.

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Because, Adrian...

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."baby".

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...I'm gonna want to meet her.

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Shh, shh. Okay, here I come. Here I come.

See, I'm coming to fix the copier.

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I can't get to the copier. I'm thinking,

"What do I do? What do I do?"

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So I just watch them have sex.

And then I say-- Wait, here's my line:

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JOEY [ON TV]:

You know, that's bad for the paper tray.

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- Nice work, my friend.

- Wait, wait, wait, you see me again.

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Hang on, the guy's butt's blocking me.

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There I am. There I am. There I am.

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Well, there are so many things,

you know, it's hard to pickjust one.

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- I'm gonna get some coffee. Want anything?

RACHEL: Oh, yeah.

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- A blueberry muffin and chamomile tea.

- Double latte, extra foam.

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- And a bagel with only--

- I was just being polite.

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Okay. How about

when you're not working?

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What do you do in your spare time?

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[HORN HONKS]

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Look at this clown.

Just because he's got a bigger boat...

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...he thinks he can

take up the whole river.

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Get out of the way, jackass!

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Who names their boat

Coast Guard, anyway?

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That is the Coast Guard.

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What are they doing out here?

The coast is all the way over there.

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- Hi.

- Hey, check it out. This is unbelievable.

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Joey has been holding his breath

for almost four minutes.

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Dude, are you trying to kill me?

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Well, I see you've had

a very productive day.

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Don't you think the cowboy hat

is a little much?

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Come on, it's fun.

00:07:05,134 --> 00:07:06,635

All right.

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Isn't this a woman's hat?

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Dude, stop talking crazy

and make us some tea.

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You know what?

We have to turn off the porn.

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I think you're right.

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CHANDLER: All right, ready?

JOEY: One.

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CHANDLER: Two, three.

JOEY: Three.

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That's kind of nice.

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- Yeah, it's kind of a relief.

- Yeah.

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- You wanna see if we still have it?

- Yeah.

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- Free porn! We have free porn here!

- Yeah.

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In my spare time,

I, uh, read to the blind.

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And I'm also a mento for kids.

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- A mento?

- You know, a mento. A role model.

00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,616

- A mento?

- Right.

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- Like the candy?

- As a matter of fact, I do.

00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:19,500

Well, um, another thing that our readers

always want to know...

00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:22,586

...is how soap stars

stay in such great shape.

00:08:22,753 --> 00:08:24,421

Do you have some kind

of a fitness regime?

00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:30,093

Uh, we stars usually just try to eat right

and get lots of exercise.

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Wow, you realize we've been throwing

this ball without dropping it for an hour?

00:08:35,307 --> 00:08:36,517

Are you serious?

00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:39,394

I realized it a half-hour ago,

but I didn't want to say anything...

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...because I didn't want to jinx it.

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- Wow, we are pretty good at this.

- Yeah.

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Hey, we totally forgot about lunch.

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Oh. I think that's the first time

I've ever missed a meal.

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Yeah, I think my pants are a little loose.

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What's wrong with you?

00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:03,710

Oh, I got this blinding pain in my stomach

when I was lifting weights before.

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And then I, uh, passed out.

00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:12,135

I haven't been able to stand up since.

Ha, ha. But I don't think it's serious.

00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:15,305

This sounds like a hernia.

You have to-- Go to the doctor.

00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:16,557

No way.

00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,600

Look, if I go to the doctor for anything...

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...it's gonna be for this thing

sticking out of my stomach.

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Why'd I have to start working out again?

00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:30,821

Damn you, 15's.

00:09:30,988 --> 00:09:33,949

- What is it?

- It's a trifle. It's got all of these layers.

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First, there's a layer of ladyfingers,

then a layer of jam.

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Then custard,

which I made from scratch.

00:09:41,290 --> 00:09:43,584

Then raspberries, more ladyfingers...

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...then beef sautéed

with peas and onions.

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Then a little bit more custard.

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It tastes like feet.

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I like it.

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- Are you kidding?

- What's not to like? Custard, good.

00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:06,523

Jam, good. Meat, good.

00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:11,987

Well, you don't look good, Joe.

00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:16,366

Well, the fridge broke,

so I had to eat everything.

00:10:17,326 --> 00:10:19,870

Cold cuts, ice cream, limes.

00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:22,831

Hey, what was in that brown jar?

00:10:22,998 --> 00:10:24,916

- That's still in there?

- Not anymore.

00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:28,962

Oh, look. There's a piece

that doesn't have floor on it.

00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:32,382

- Stick to your side.

- Hey, come on, now.

00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:45,771

All right, what are we having?

00:10:49,608 --> 00:10:55,781

Uh, I don't believe in these crazy diets.

You know, just everything in moderation.

00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:57,824

- Your muffins.

- Uh...

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I'll take those to go.

00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:03,455

For the kids.

00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:07,751

Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you.

00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:10,671

You were on the show years ago

and then they killed you off.

00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:11,880

What happened there?

00:11:12,047 --> 00:11:13,590

Oh, it's so stupid.

00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:16,593

I said some stuff in an interview

that I shouldn't have said.

00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,012

But believe me,

that is not gonna happen today.

00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:22,391

Understood.

So, what did you say back then?

00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:23,725

Oh, I said that I--

00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:27,229

GROUP

Hey, Joey! How you doing?

00:11:33,402 --> 00:11:36,488

You guys, this is Shelly. She's

interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest.

00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:38,240

GROUP: Hi.

- Shelly, these are my friends.

00:11:38,407 --> 00:11:40,242

Hi, I'm gal pal Rachel Green.

00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:43,370

Um, and if you want the dirt,

I'm the one you come to.

00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:46,748

This might be Joey's baby, who knows?

00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:52,337

I'm just kidding.

Seriously, gal pal Rachel Green.

00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:56,383

Who just lost the respect

of her unborn child.

00:11:56,967 --> 00:11:59,720

- I'm gonna go get this warmed up.

- Okay.

00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:03,348

- Joey, you're doing great.

- So far, nothing stupid.

00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:05,600

- Mento?

- No, thanks.

00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:10,313

So as Joey's friends...

00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,774

...is there anything you think

our readers ought to know?

00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:15,944

Uh, no, just that he is a great guy.

00:12:16,111 --> 00:12:19,322

Yeah, that's gonna get you

into Soap Opera Digest.

00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:20,782

Well, I--

00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:23,201

I would just like to say that Joey...

00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:27,080

...truly has enriched

the days of our lives.

00:12:28,623 --> 00:12:33,170

Um, I just think that you don't expect

someone so hot to be so sweet.

00:12:33,336 --> 00:12:37,966

- Oh, I like that. What's your name?

- Phoebe Buffay.

00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:40,177

How do you spell that?

So we can get it right.

00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:43,638

Okay, it's P as in Phoebe.

H as in Heebie.

00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,932

O as in Obie. E as in Ebie.

00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:50,270

B as in Beebee.

And E as in, "'ello there, mate."

00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:54,149

Great.

Well, it was nice meeting all of you.

00:12:54,316 --> 00:12:56,318

- Yeah, you too.

- Thanks, you guys.

00:12:56,485 --> 00:12:57,652

MONICA:

Bye.

00:12:57,819 --> 00:13:00,739

So it seems like

you have a lot of friends.

00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:03,241

- Yeah.

- Who would you say is your best friend?

00:13:06,328 --> 00:13:08,288

How come you have two?

00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:11,500

Well, this one's for you.

00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:14,920

- Get out.

- No, I can't.

00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:19,299

No, no. Listen,

I know how much this means to you.

00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,510

And I also know this is about

more than jewelry.

00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:25,514

It's about you and me

and the fact that we're best buds.

00:13:27,098 --> 00:13:31,895

Wow. Is this friendship? I think so.

00:13:32,062 --> 00:13:34,606

Check it out. We're bracelet buddies.

00:13:35,232 --> 00:13:37,776

That's what they'll call us.

00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:43,824

- Oh, Joey. I'm sorry.

- It's all right. Don't worry about it.

00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:46,535

No, but look.

Oh, that's gonna leave a stain.

00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:50,789

Rach, hey, it's fine. You're at Joey's.

00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,917

- Really?

- Yeah, look.

00:13:57,128 --> 00:13:59,005

- Ha.

- Yeah.

00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:02,801

- I've never lived like this before.

- I know.

00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:05,971

Whoo! Ha, ha.

00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:10,433

Well, don't waste it.

I mean, it's still food. Jeez.

00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:14,104

I've been feeling guilty about this.

I wanna be a good friend...

00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:17,232

...and damn it, I am a good friend.

So shut up and close your eyes.

00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:18,859

Yeah, uh--

00:14:21,987 --> 00:14:23,321

Wow.

00:14:24,239 --> 00:14:26,449

You are a good friend.

00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:30,453

Of course, the audition was this morning,

and I didn't get it.

00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:36,376

But that was a hell of a kiss.

Rachel is a very lucky girl.

00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:42,090

Let's get the contestants

out of their isolation booths.

00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:46,136

And they're off. Oh.

00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:48,513

Get your foot off my contestant.

Judge.

00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:51,433

- Judge rules: No violation.

- Oh.

00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:56,229

- The duck gets the Nutter Butter.

- No. Wait, that's not a Nutter Butter.

00:14:56,396 --> 00:15:00,442

- That's an old wonton.

- Judge rules: Nutter Butter.

00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:03,695

- Oh. Tough call.

- Yeah.

00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:06,656

I had seen this thing

on the Discovery Channel.

00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:09,993

Wait a minute. I saw that.

On the Discovery Channel.

00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:13,038

Yeah, about jellyfish, and how if you--

00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:19,127

Ew. You peed on yourself?

00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:24,758

BOTH: Ew.

- You can't say that. You don't know.

00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:27,928

I mean, I thought I was gonna pass out

from the pain.

00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:32,807

Anyway, I tried,

but I couldn't bend that way.

00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:37,145

O

00:15:38,772 --> 00:15:40,649

GROUP

Ew.

00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:45,570

That's right, I stepped up.

00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:50,867

She's my friend and she needed help.

00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:55,038

If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you.

00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:01,044

Uh, nope. No best friend.

00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:04,089

No, just a lot of close friends. Yeah.

00:16:04,923 --> 00:16:08,051

So, uh, now back to the show.

00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:12,305

How does it feel

to have a huge gay fan base?

00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,933

Really? Me?

00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:18,061

Wow, I don't even know

any huge gay people.

00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,731

It hurts me. It physically hurts me.

00:16:23,525 --> 00:16:27,153

Now, off the record, you're not...

00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:31,241

What? Are you referring

to my man's bag?

00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:36,579

At first, I thought it just looked good,

but it's practical too. Check it out.

00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:40,750

It's got compartments for all your stuff:

your wallet, your keys, your address book.

00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:42,502

Your makeup.

00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:47,465

Now, should I climb down your front

so we're face to face...

00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:52,929

...or should I climb down your back

so we're butt to face?

00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:56,683

- I think face is best.

- Yeah, face to face.

00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,770

ROSS: Okay, here I come.

- All right.

00:17:03,606 --> 00:17:06,317

Oh, my--

How much do you weigh, Ross?

00:17:07,569 --> 00:17:12,907

I'd prefer not to answer that right now.

I'm still carrying a little holiday weight.

00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:16,661

[GASPING]

00:17:20,081 --> 00:17:22,292

You know, when we talked about

face to face...

00:17:22,459 --> 00:17:25,170

...I don't think we thought it

all the way through.

00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,256

- Hey, Pheebs.

- Hey.

00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:32,218

Check it out.

00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,429

Huh?

00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:40,435

- How much of a man am I?

- Wow.

00:17:40,602 --> 00:17:44,397

Nice. Manly and also kind of a slut.

00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:47,817

You're turning into a woman.

00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:52,489

No, I'm not. Why would you say that?

That's just mean.

00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,868

Now I've upset you? What did I say?

00:17:57,702 --> 00:18:00,330

Not what you said,

it's just the way you said it.

00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:04,626

Oh, my God! I'm a woman!

00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:17,097

- Great nap.

- It really was.

00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,681

[RACHEL CLEARS THROAT]

00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:32,779

Me? Gay? No. No. No.

00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:36,533

Uh, but I have a number

of close friends who are.

00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,162

So let's talk about women.

00:18:41,329 --> 00:18:45,250

I'm sure our female readers will be

interested to know about your romantic life.

00:18:45,416 --> 00:18:49,295

Oh, what I do is, I look a woman

up and down and I say:

00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:53,133

"Hey. How you doing?"

00:18:55,218 --> 00:18:56,803

Oh, please.

00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:59,973

Hey. How you doing?

00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:07,272

Hey. How you doing?

00:19:07,438 --> 00:19:10,441

He has the most amazing Porsche

under there.

00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:13,695

I'd love to show you, but I just

tucked her in. She's sleeping.

00:19:13,862 --> 00:19:14,946

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:18,158

Hey, would you two girls

like to go for a drink?

00:19:24,581 --> 00:19:27,542

- Is Rachel here? I'm her sister.

- Oh, my God. Jill.

00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:30,420

- Oh, my God. Rachel.

- Oh, hi.

00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:34,674

- Oh, my God. Introduce us.

- Well, this is Chandler.

00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,467

- Hi.

- You know Monica and Ross.

00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:38,970

JILL: Hi.

- And that's Phoebe. And that's Joey.

00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:40,930

- Hey, how you doing?

- Don't!

00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:46,311

You're a really nice guy...

00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:49,898

...and I'm happy to be

your roommate and your friend.

00:19:50,064 --> 00:19:55,403

I'm just... You know,

I just don't feel that way about you.

00:19:56,237 --> 00:20:00,533

Oh, I see what happened. Ha, ha.

00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:04,078

It's because I was trying

to repel you. Right?

00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:08,541

Believe me, you'd feel

a lot different if I turned it on.

00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,920

- I don't think so.

- Oh, I do.

00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:17,175

How you doing?

00:20:19,093 --> 00:20:20,553

I'm okay.

00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:24,349

What? Oh, dear God.

00:20:28,186 --> 00:20:31,856

Not much to tell there. I'm really shy.

00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,195

So that's it. I guess that's all I need.

00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:38,696

Thank you so much.

00:20:38,863 --> 00:20:41,616

I think they will be running this

in the beginning of next month.

00:20:41,783 --> 00:20:44,994

Oh, great. Great. Thank you.

00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:47,121

- Bye.

'Bye-bye.

00:20:48,331 --> 00:20:50,917

- I did it.

GROUP: Amazing.

00:20:51,084 --> 00:20:55,672

Oh, wait, I almost forgot.

We have to ask everybody this:

00:20:55,838 --> 00:20:59,092

Other than Days of Our Lives,

what's your favorite soap opera?

00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:03,763

Oh, I don't watch soap operas.

Excuse me? I have a life, you know?

00:21:06,516 --> 00:21:09,352

Thank you.

The readers at Soap Opera Digest...

00:21:09,519 --> 00:21:10,812

...will be happy to learn that.

00:21:10,979 --> 00:21:13,356

Oh. Good enough.

00:21:17,318 --> 00:21:18,736

So close.

00:21:24,075 --> 00:21:26,202

Wow, I can't believe

they didn't put in the part...

00:21:26,369 --> 00:21:28,288

...where you said you didn't

watch soap operas.

00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:31,124

Yeah, I called the lady about that.

I told her I was joking.

00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:32,583

She was pretty nice about it.

00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:35,962

- You slept with her, didn't you?

- A little bit. Yeah.

00:21:37,588 --> 00:21:40,883

Wow.

This picture of you sure is steamy.

00:21:41,050 --> 00:21:44,762

Oh, yeah, that's just a little something

for my huge gay fan base.

00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:46,889

Did you just wink at me?

00:21:47,056 --> 00:21:49,017

Hey, you're the one

who loves the picture.

00:21:52,145 --> 00:21:54,147

[English - US - SDH]