Эпизод с неуместной песней Росса

00:00:08,591 --> 00:00:12,511

...we really were on a break.

Yes, we were.

00:00:12,721 --> 00:00:16,974

Yes, we were. Heh.

Come here, gorgeous.

00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:18,183

[ROSS SIGHS]

00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:21,437

Look at you.

You are the cutest little baby ever.

00:00:21,646 --> 00:00:25,441

You're just a little-bitty baby,

you know that? But you've got...

00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:27,609

You've got big, beautiful eyes.

00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:31,905

Yes, you do. And a...

And a big, round belly.

00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:35,576

Big baby butt.

00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:36,952

[CHUCKLES]

00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,663

I like big butts.

00:00:40,623 --> 00:00:43,375

[RAPPING]

I like big butts and I cannot lie

00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:45,294

You other brothers can't deny

00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:47,421

When a girl walks in

With an itty-bitty waist

00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:49,465

And a round thing in your face

You get...

00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:51,383

[EMMA LAUGHING]

00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:52,926

[ROSS CHUCKLING]

00:00:53,094 --> 00:00:57,431

Oh, my God, Emma.

You're laughing.

00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,517

Oh, my God. You've never

done that before, have you?

00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:04,271

You've never done that before.

Daddy made you laugh, huh?

00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:07,232

Well, Daddy and Sir Mix-A-Lot.

00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,525

[CHUCKLES]

00:01:08,693 --> 00:01:11,361

What? What?

You wanna hear some more? Um...

00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:16,325

My anaconda don't want none

Unless you got buns, hun

00:01:16,534 --> 00:01:18,660

[EMMA GIGGLES]

00:01:18,953 --> 00:01:21,997

I'm a terrible father. Oh.

00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:13,090

- Hey.

- Hey, listen.

00:02:13,299 --> 00:02:16,135

- What do you know about investments?

- How come?

00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:20,222

I'm starting to make good money on the

show, and I should do something with it.

00:02:20,431 --> 00:02:24,560

- What do you do with your money now?

- It's taped to the back of my toilet tank.

00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:28,772

I didn't say that.

It's in a bank guarded by robots.

00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:33,235

- Do you have any ideas?

- Uh, this guy at work got me excited...

00:02:33,444 --> 00:02:36,613

...about going in on an emu farm.

That'd be kind of cool, huh?

00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:40,450

Pitching in on the weekends,

helping to plant the emus.

00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:45,706

Joe, emus are birds.

You raise them for meat.

00:02:45,915 --> 00:02:47,207

Yeah. Right!

00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:48,542

[JOEY CHUCKLES]

00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:51,920

People eat birds. Bird meat.

00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:55,591

Do they just fly into your mouth?

Or you go in a restaurant and say:

00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,886

"Excuse me, I'll have

a bucket of fried bird." Ha-ha-ha.

00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:02,264

Or maybe just a wing. Or a...

00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:05,184

MONICA: Mm-hm.

JOEY: Ahem.

00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:07,811

You should consider something

a little less risky.

00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,397

I think real estate is

your best investment.

00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:14,735

The Fed just lowered the rates, and the

interest on your mortgage is deductible.

00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:18,488

That's right. I know some stuff.

00:03:18,698 --> 00:03:20,282

Real estate, huh? Hmm.

00:03:20,491 --> 00:03:23,118

Oh! And you know who's selling

a great apartment? Richard!

00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:27,206

Oh, and you know whose knowledge of

her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica!

00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:29,750

My dad told me.

They play golf together.

00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:32,085

Oh! Well, maybe

I'll join them sometime.

00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:34,755

I just hope the club doesn't

slip out of my hand...

00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:37,382

...and beat the mustache

off his face.

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[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

00:03:44,682 --> 00:03:48,727

Hi! You have to help me pick a dress.

I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight.

00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:49,978

[RACHEL GASPS]

00:03:50,146 --> 00:03:51,855

Wow, the boyfriend's parents.

Big step.

00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:56,860

- Really? That hadn't occurred to me.

- They'll love you. Just be yourself.

00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,738

They live on the Upper East Side

on Park Avenue.

00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:02,449

- Oh, yeah, she can't be herself.

PHOEBE: Ugh.

00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:05,702

Okay, so, all right, which dress?

00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:13,752

- You can say neither.

RACHEL & MONICA: Oh, God. Neither.

00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,755

I'm sorry. We'll take you shopping.

It'll be fine.

00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:20,509

You are in such good hands,

and I am so good with meeting parents.

00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:23,720

With the father, you wanna flirt a little,

but not in a gross way.

00:04:23,888 --> 00:04:24,930

PHOEBE:

Uh-huh.

00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:28,558

Just kind of like, "Mr. Pinzer, I can

see where Wallace gets his good looks."

00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:33,146

- You went out with Wallace Pinzer?

- Oh, he took the SATs for me.

00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:39,111

- I knew you didn't get a 1400!

- Yeah, well, duh! I mean...

00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,780

So now, what about with Mike's mom?

00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:43,490

Oh! Well, with the mother...

00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:46,410

...just constantly

tell her how amazing her son is.

00:04:46,577 --> 00:04:50,122

Take it from me. Moms love me.

Ross' mom one time actually said...

00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:52,499

...I am like the daughter

that she never had.

00:04:56,254 --> 00:05:01,633

- She said what?

- She's like the daughter she never had.

00:05:01,926 --> 00:05:03,010

Listen.

00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:14,021

- Hi.

- Hi.

00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:16,815

I just got Phoebe all dressed

to meet Mike's parents.

00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:19,401

She's so nervous. It's so sweet.

00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:21,737

Guess what. I made Emma laugh today.

00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:24,531

You what? And I missed it...

00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:28,493

...because I was giving a makeover

to that stupid hippie?

00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:32,831

Yeah, and it was, uh, like, uh,

a real little person laugh too.

00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:35,375

- Oh!

- It was like, um:

00:05:35,543 --> 00:05:38,378

[GIGGLING IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

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Only not creepy.

00:05:44,218 --> 00:05:45,385

Yeah.

00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:48,805

- What did you do to make her laugh?

- I, um...

00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,641

Well, I sang. Actually...

00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,394

...I rapped, um, heh...

00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,063

..."Baby Got Back."

00:05:58,024 --> 00:05:59,900

You what?

00:06:00,109 --> 00:06:03,362

You sang to our baby daughter...

00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:06,031

...a song about a guy

who likes to have sex...

00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,283

...with women with giant asses?

00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,203

You know what,

if you think about it...

00:06:11,412 --> 00:06:15,957

...it actually promotes

a healthy, uh, body image...

00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:18,502

...because even big butts...

00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:22,089

...or, uh, "juicy doubles" are...

- Oh.

00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:29,221

Please don't take her away from me.

00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:33,225

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:38,188

Oh, hi, come on in.

I'm Catherine, the listing agent.

00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,898

Hi, I'm Joey. This is Chandler.

00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:43,819

So how come Richard's selling

the place? Went bankrupt?

00:06:44,028 --> 00:06:47,781

Medical malpractice?

Choked on his own mustache?

00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:52,411

He's buying a much bigger place.

It's got a great view of Central Park...

00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:54,704

That's enough out of you.

00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:57,624

Uh, is there anything we should know

about the place?

00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:02,295

All the appliances are included.

There's a lot of light, a new kitchen.

00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:05,465

I think you guys would be

very happy here.

00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:11,179

CHANDLER: Ha. No, no, no.

- Ha-ha-ha.

00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:15,475

No, we're not together.

We're definitely not a couple.

00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:18,687

- Oh, okay. Sorry.

JOEY: That's all right.

00:07:18,896 --> 00:07:21,982

Wow, you, uh, seemed

pretty insulted by that.

00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,818

What, I'm not good enough for you?

00:07:25,778 --> 00:07:27,946

We are not gonna have

this conversation again.

00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:33,076

Look at this place.

Why am I so intimidated by this guy?

00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:36,872

Pretentious art.

This huge, macho couch.

00:07:37,081 --> 00:07:39,040

When we know

all he does is sit around...

00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:43,003

...crying about losing Monica

to a real man. Ha, ha.

00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:46,339

- You don't think he's here, do you?

- I don't know.

00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:51,303

It's a nice place, but I gotta say,

I don't know if I see myself living here.

00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:52,888

Well, let me see.

00:07:53,055 --> 00:07:54,723

[JOEY CLEARS THROAT]

00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:57,267

[GRUNTING]

00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:03,023

Yeah, I can see it.

00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:07,235

Look at these videos.

I mean, who does he think he is?

00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:10,947

Magnum Force, Dirty Harry,

Cool Hand Luke.

00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:12,908

- Oh, my God.

- What?

00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,869

There's a tape here

with Monica's name on it.

00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:19,748

Ooh. A tape with a girl's name on it.

It's probably a sex tape.

00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,210

Wait a minute.

00:08:23,419 --> 00:08:25,754

This says "Monica."

00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:30,258

And this is Richard's apartment.

00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:33,553

Get there faster!

00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:35,430

[JOEY SCREAMS]

00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:40,977

[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]

00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:47,943

[DOORBELL RINGS]

00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:52,948

Wow. You look...

00:08:53,574 --> 00:08:54,991

...like my mom.

00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:56,701

[CHUCKLES]

00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:59,246

I'm wearing pantyhose.

00:09:00,414 --> 00:09:02,582

- Great! Come on in.

- Okay.

00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:05,085

- Ha-ha-ha. Hi.

- Hi.

00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:07,128

Oh. Thank you.

00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:08,547

Oh. Heh.

00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:11,925

- Oh, my God. You're rich.

- No, my parents are rich.

00:09:12,134 --> 00:09:15,595

So? They gotta die someday. Hello!

00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,389

Mom, Dad, this is Phoebe.

00:09:17,598 --> 00:09:20,267

Phoebe, these are my parents,

Theodore and Bitsy.

00:09:20,476 --> 00:09:22,978

[AS KATHARINE HEPBURN]

Theodore, Bitsy...

00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:26,356

...what a delight.

THEODORE: Ha-ha-ha.

00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:30,652

- It's so nice to finally meet you.

- And you.

00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:33,238

Your home is lovely.

00:09:33,781 --> 00:09:37,242

Thank you. I'll give you a tour later.

It's actually three floors.

00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:39,327

Holy crap!

00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:43,915

Oh. Why don't you come

meet our friends?

00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:45,542

Try and stop me.

00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:48,044

Hey. What are you doing?

00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,088

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

Getting your parents to like me.

00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:52,716

I'm sure they will,

but you don't have to do this.

00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:54,509

I want them

to get to know Phoebe, not:

00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:55,885

[IN POSH ACCENT]

"Phoebe."

00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:58,847

- [AS KATHARINE HEPBURN] You've got it.

- [IN NORMAL VOICE] All right.

00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:00,849

- It's hard to stop.

- Mm.

00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:03,476

Well, come on.

00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:07,147

Phoebe, these are our friends

Tom and Sue Engel.

00:10:07,356 --> 00:10:10,317

Phoebe, come sit.

Tell us a little bit about yourself.

00:10:10,484 --> 00:10:11,526

Mm-hm.

00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:13,862

- So where are you from?

- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Um, okay.

00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:17,532

Well, all right.

Um, originally, I'm from upstate...

00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:20,994

...but, um, then my mom killed herself,

and my stepdad went to prison.

00:10:21,203 --> 00:10:23,622

So I moved to the city...

00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:26,833

...where, um, I lived in a burned-out

Buick LeSabre for a while.

00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:28,543

Which was okay. That was okay.

00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:30,712

Until, um, I got hepatitis, you know...

00:10:30,921 --> 00:10:34,841

...because this pimp spit

in my mouth and...

00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:37,636

But I got over it.

00:10:37,845 --> 00:10:42,265

And, um, anyway, now I'm a, um,

freelance massage therapist...

00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:47,395

...um, which isn't always steady money,

but at least I don't pay taxes.

00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:57,072

[AS KATHARINE HEPBURN]

So where does everyone summer?

00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:08,500

- Oh, God, this is not going well.

- No, you're doing fine. Really.

00:11:08,709 --> 00:11:12,212

- Why don't you go talk to my dad?

- Okay, okay, okay.

00:11:12,421 --> 00:11:15,006

- Still sure about me being myself?

- Absolutely.

00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,634

Though maybe just

a little less "pimp spit."

00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:19,010

[MOUTHS]

Okay.

00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:27,519

So, Theodore, I, uh, can see

where Mike gets his good looks from.

00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,938

Oh. Well...

00:11:30,147 --> 00:11:34,859

- You must work out all the time.

- Oh, not all the time. I do the best I can.

00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:37,862

- Yeah, I bet. Look out!

- Oh! Ow.

00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:41,408

- Oh, my God. Are you okay?

- Unh! I recently had surgery.

00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,660

- I'm so sorry.

- No, I'll be fine.

00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:47,288

- I just should check the stitches.

- I really am sorry.

00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:50,417

How could you know? Why wouldn't

you punch me in the stomach?

00:11:52,628 --> 00:11:54,045

Um...

00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:55,922

Did you just hit my dad?

00:11:57,049 --> 00:12:01,094

Yes. I'm sorry. I've never met

a boyfriend's parents before.

00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:03,930

But, I mean, you have met

humans before, right?

00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:06,349

Why don't you go talk to my mom?

00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,936

Okay, yeah, your mom.

She looks nice. I can talk to her.

00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:14,399

You do that, and I'm gonna go check

my dad for signs of internal bleeding.

00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:19,696

Oh, Bitsy? Um, uh, listen,

I wanted to thank you again...

00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:21,114

...for having me here tonight.

00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:22,532

Well, not at all.

00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:26,286

Also, um, I just want you to know

what a wonderful man your son is.

00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:30,957

- Thank you. I think so too.

- It's a testament to how he was raised.

00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,210

Especially to you,

because he's very respectful of women.

00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:38,840

- Is he really?

- He is so considerate of my feelings.

00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:43,428

You know, I think you'd also like

to know that he is a very gentle lover.

00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:49,142

Excuse me?

00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:52,896

No, don't get me wrong.

No, not in like a sissy way.

00:12:53,105 --> 00:12:54,731

When he gets going...

00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:59,277

...he can rattle a headboard

like a sailor on leave.

00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:04,407

That's... my boy.

00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:12,415

Awesome.

00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:19,923

I'm not gonna watch it.

I don't need to watch it.

00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:23,134

I mean, what good could

possibly come from watching it?

00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:24,469

[SIGHS]

00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,721

Well, we know I'm gonna watch it.

00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:31,601

- Hey, dude, what's up?

- Don't judge me! I'm only human!

00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:33,895

Did you take that tape?

00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:37,607

I had to! Imagine you were married

and you found a tape of your wife...

00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:41,361

...in another guy's apartment. Wouldn't

you need to know what was on it?

00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:44,113

I don't know. Who am I married to?

00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:47,367

Some girl.

00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:48,910

She hot?

00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:52,997

- Yeah.

- How did she get me to settle down?

00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:55,959

All right, I'm gonna watch it.

00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:57,168

[SIGHS]

00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,420

I mean, it's probably

not even what I think it is.

00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:03,216

Even if it is, it can't possibly be as

bad as what I'm picturing in my head.

00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:05,218

Ha, ha. Can it?

00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:10,265

See, in my experience,

if a girl says yes to being taped...

00:14:10,474 --> 00:14:13,017

...she doesn't say no to much else,

I'll tell you.

00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,647

- Then you have to watch it for me.

- Whoa! What?

00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:20,525

Just for a few seconds

so I can know what it is. Please?

00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:25,196

All right, fine. But if I enjoy this,

you have only yourself to blame!

00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:29,826

[CROWD CHEERING ON TV]

00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:31,286

[REFEREE WHISTLES ON TV]

00:14:31,453 --> 00:14:34,998

- Why am I hearing cheering?

- It's okay. It's just a football game.

00:14:35,791 --> 00:14:39,502

- It's just football?

- You were all worried for nothing.

00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,379

It's football! It's just football!

00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:44,924

This is great! This is the first time

I've ever enjoyed football!

00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:47,510

I think it may be customary

to get a beer!

00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:49,262

[WOMAN MOANING ON TV]

00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,055

What the?

00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:56,144

- What are you doing?

- You don't wanna see what I just saw!

00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,606

What are you guys doing?

00:14:59,815 --> 00:15:02,775

Oh, my God! Is that Richard?

00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:10,366

Okay, uh, please laugh for Mommy.

Please?

00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:11,826

Please laugh for Mommy.

00:15:12,536 --> 00:15:14,662

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,666

Not funny, huh?

00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:20,752

Well, so is it...

00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:25,173

...only offensive novelty rap?

00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:29,010

Or maybe just, you know, rap in general.

Because Mommy can rap.

00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:32,472

[RAPPING]

My name is Mommy

00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,265

And I'm here to say

00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:35,516

That all the babies are...

00:15:35,684 --> 00:15:37,393

Oh, I can't rap.

00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:44,901

All right, sweetheart. This is

only because I love you so much.

00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:49,697

And I know that you're

not gonna tell anybody.

00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,661

[SIGHS]

00:15:57,414 --> 00:15:58,998

[RAPPING]

I like

00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:02,752

Big butts and I cannot lie

00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:07,465

You other brothers can't deny

00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:11,052

When a girl walks in

With an itty-bitty waist

00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:12,804

And a round thing in your face

00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:13,972

[LAUGHING]

00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:16,391

Yes, yes, yes. Yes! Ha!

00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:17,642

Oh.

00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,269

I like big butts and I cannot lie

00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:22,522

You other brothers can't deny

00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:25,274

Oh, Emma, you're laughing!

Oh, you are!

00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:28,653

You really do like big butts, don't you?

00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:33,700

Oh, you beautiful little weirdo.

00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:35,118

Oh.

00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:38,204

- Hey.

- Oh, you missed it! She was laughing!

00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:39,706

- Oh, it was amazing.

- Oh.

00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:43,501

It was amazing. It was the most

beautiful, beautiful sound.

00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,336

Oh, I know, isn't it?

00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:46,546

[RACHEL SIGHS]

00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,631

Oh, what did you do

to get her to laugh?

00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:52,844

Oh, you know, I just...

A couple of things I tried. Different...

00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:55,722

Just sang a little

"The ltsy-Bitsy Spider."

00:16:56,890 --> 00:16:59,600

You sang "Baby Got Back,"

didn't you?

00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:04,272

Nothing else worked!

That girl is all about the ass!

00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:07,191

And then it goes back to the chorus.

00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:09,360

[SINGING]

Smelly cat, smelly cat

00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:12,030

It's not your fault

00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:14,866

Resolve.

And that's the end of the song.

00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,745

I realize you hadn't asked

to hear it...

00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:22,707

...but, um, no one had spoken

in 17 minutes.

00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:28,796

Uh, Phoebe writes lots of songs. What

was that one you sang the other night?

00:17:29,423 --> 00:17:30,673

Oh, "Pervert Parade"?

00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:32,800

No.

00:17:33,343 --> 00:17:36,679

- Oh! "Ode to a Pubic Hair"?

- Stop.

00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:42,769

Oh, God. Is that veal?

00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:45,188

Mom, I thought I told you,

Phoebe's a vegetarian.

00:17:45,355 --> 00:17:46,522

Oh.

00:17:46,690 --> 00:17:50,568

No, that's okay. That's okay.

I mean, I am a vegetarian...

00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:54,405

...except for veal.

Yeah. No. Veal I love. Heh.

00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:59,243

- Phoebe, you don't have to eat that.

- Any baby animals. Kittens, fish babies.

00:17:59,995 --> 00:18:02,038

But, you know, especially veal.

00:18:02,247 --> 00:18:06,334

You know, and this nice vein of fat

running through it.

00:18:07,711 --> 00:18:09,253

[CHUCKLES]

00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:23,726

- Mm. Yummy.

THEODORE: Ha-ha-ha.

00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:29,023

[GAGS]

00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:36,447

So...

00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:37,990

What do you think?

00:18:41,870 --> 00:18:44,455

So you stole that tape

from Richard's apartment?

00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:45,665

[SCOFFS]

00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:48,459

Listen to the judgment

from the porn star!

00:18:49,753 --> 00:18:53,172

That tape was never meant

to be seen by...

00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:56,592

Joey, I would feel more comfortable

if this conversation were in private.

00:18:56,760 --> 00:19:00,179

Ha, ha, Monica, look, I don't think

you and I have any secrets anymore.

00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:01,764

[CHUCKLES]

00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,144

Not ready to joke about it yet?

See you later.

00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:10,439

Why in the world would you take

this tape? And why would you watch it?

00:19:10,607 --> 00:19:12,942

Because that's who I am. Okay?

00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:17,196

I'm sure a man like Richard could see

a tape like that and not be bothered.

00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:19,240

It'd just be another saucy anecdote...

00:19:19,449 --> 00:19:23,828

...for him to share at his men's club

over brandy and mustaches.

00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:28,249

Is all of this about you not being able

to grow a mustache?

00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:32,253

This is about you and Richard.

He's clearly not over you.

00:19:32,462 --> 00:19:35,173

He keeps a tape so he can

look at it whenever he wants.

00:19:35,382 --> 00:19:39,093

Isn't that sad?

Can't you see how pathetic that is?

00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:41,762

Don't be jealous.

You should feel bad for him.

00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:44,807

Oh, yeah, well, poor Richard, he...

00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,185

I can grow a mustache.

00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:53,316

This is not our problem. We have

each other. That's all that matters.

00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:58,613

But I just keep picturing you rolling

around with him, with your...

00:19:58,822 --> 00:20:00,656

...cowboy boots in the air.

00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:06,537

Cowboy boots? I've never worn

cowboy boots in my whole life.

00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:09,081

Oh, good, good. Play more

because I wanna see how it ends.

00:20:09,249 --> 00:20:10,875

[WOMAN MOANING ON TV]

00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:13,961

- That's not me!

- What?

00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:18,758

That's not you! Life is good again!

00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:22,220

Ride 'em, cowgirl!

00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:26,224

That bastard taped over me!

00:20:28,101 --> 00:20:30,311

Is that a problem?

00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:35,024

It's just so insulting.

Spring for a new blank tape, doctor!

00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:36,234

[GRUNTS]

00:20:37,277 --> 00:20:39,362

I can't imagine what he sees in her.

00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:42,490

She actually makes me miss

that pill-popping ex-wife of his.

00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:44,200

[THEODORE CHUCKLES]

00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,370

- Hello, dear.

- Hey.

00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:50,248

- What's going on?

- We were just chitchatting.

00:20:50,457 --> 00:20:53,417

- How's your friend?

- A little better.

00:20:53,627 --> 00:20:58,214

Do you know who's moving back into

town? Tom and Sue's daughter, Jen.

00:20:58,423 --> 00:21:02,969

You remember her, Michael.

She's lovely, well-behaved and single.

00:21:03,178 --> 00:21:07,223

- I'm not interested.

- Oh, please, darling, let's be honest.

00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:10,559

You can have all the sailor fun

you want with that one.

00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:13,688

- But let's be real.

- All right, stop.

00:21:13,897 --> 00:21:18,359

All Phoebe has done is try and get you

to like her. Maybe it's not clear...

00:21:18,568 --> 00:21:19,735

...but she did her best.

00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:25,241

- She's a little different than you are.

- Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth.

00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:30,371

MIKE: So what? If I can

get past that, it shouldn't bother you.

00:21:30,580 --> 00:21:33,833

You don't have to like her.

Just accept the fact that I do.

00:21:34,042 --> 00:21:36,335

If you can't even be civil

to the woman I love...

00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:39,755

- The woman you what?

- Yeah, the woman you what?

00:21:42,718 --> 00:21:44,468

The woman I love.

00:21:49,016 --> 00:21:50,349

I love you.

00:21:52,185 --> 00:21:56,731

Something I shouldn't say for

the first time, in front of my parents...

00:21:56,940 --> 00:21:59,317

...and Tom and Sue.

00:21:59,526 --> 00:22:03,321

Who are, by the way, the most sinfully

boring people I've ever met in my life.

00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:09,452

- I love you too.

- You do?

00:22:09,661 --> 00:22:11,329

Yeah. Ha, ha.

00:22:11,538 --> 00:22:13,080

How great is this?

00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,377

- Wanna get out of here?

- Okay.

00:22:18,587 --> 00:22:23,049

- Mom, Dad. Thanks for dinner.

- I had a great time.

00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:25,718

[AS KATHARINE HEPBURN]

It was really top-drawer.

00:22:25,886 --> 00:22:27,428

And here's something rich.

00:22:27,637 --> 00:22:31,015

Thirteen bathrooms in this place,

I threw up in the coat closet.

00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:33,434

Ta-ta!

00:22:38,690 --> 00:22:40,649

[RAPPING]

She's sweat, wet

00:22:40,817 --> 00:22:42,318

Got it going like a turbo 'Vette

00:22:42,486 --> 00:22:43,819

- So, fellas!

- Yeah?

00:22:44,029 --> 00:22:45,112

- Fellas!

- Yeah?

00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:47,406

- Has your girlfriend got the butt?

- Hell, yeah

00:22:47,574 --> 00:22:48,574

- So shake it

- Shake it

00:22:48,742 --> 00:22:49,909

- Shake it

- Shake it

00:22:50,118 --> 00:22:51,619

Shake that nasty butt

00:22:51,828 --> 00:22:52,995

Baby got back

00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:55,122

One more time from the top!

00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:58,417

I like big butts

And I cannot lie

00:22:58,585 --> 00:22:59,794

You other brothers...

00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:05,633

Rachel, please!

That is so inappropriate!

00:23:09,846 --> 00:23:11,847

[English - US - SDH]