Эпизод с Рождеством в Талсе

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And away they all flew

Like the down of a thistle

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But I heard him exclaim

Ere he drove out of sight

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"Merry Christmas to all

And to all a good night."

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- Wow. That was great.

- Mm-hm.

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You really wrote that?

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Uh-huh.

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- Say goodbye, elves. I'm off to Tulsa.

ALL: Aw.

00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:34,491

I can't believe you're not gonna be here

for Christmas.

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You're really not coming back?

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Yeah, we have this paperwork that

needs to be filed by the end of the year.

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- If I don't get it done, I'll be fired.

- It's so unfair.

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- You don't even like your job.

- So? Who does?

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- I like my job.

- I love my job.

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- I can't wait to go back to work.

- I can't get enough dinosaurs.

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I'm sorry I won't be here.

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It's just hard enough not seeing you

during the week...

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...but for Christmas...

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If this is what you have to do,

I understand.

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Thanks.

00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:08,734

I'll see you New Year's Day.

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You're not gonna be here

New Year's Eve?

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- Did I not mention that?

- No.

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And to all a good night.

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All right, everybody.

I know that it is Christmas Eve...

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...and you'd rather be with your families,

but there is no call for writing:

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"Screw you, Mr. Bing"

on the back of my chair.

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By the way,

you can all call me Chandler.

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- Hey.

- Hey. Where you been?

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I was, uh, checking out that insurance

company's Christmas party on three.

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It was really beautiful. They have

all these decorations and this huge tree.

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And I just thought,

to hell with them, we have to work.

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So I stole their ham.

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You hear that?

You may not be with your families...

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...but at least it's gonna smell like ham

in here.

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My kid's in a play right now.

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You know what?

I know what will cheer you guys up.

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I had a talk with the boys in New York.

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I told them about all the hard work

you've been doing...

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...and that a little Christmas bonus

may be in order.

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"A donation has been made in your name

to the New York City Ballet."

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Well, that's like money in your pocket.

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All right, look, you want me to say it?

This sucks.

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Being here sucks. This work sucks.

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Now it feels like Christmas.

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I'm sorry.

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Hey, at least you get to go home

and be with your families tonight.

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I have to back to an empty hotel room

and lay down...

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...on a very questionable bedspread.

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Then tomorrow morning, you get to have

Christmas morning in your own houses.

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Which, by the way,

none of you have invited me to.

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- You can come to my house.

- Ha, ha. No, thanks.

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- It was a nice pep talk.

- Oh, thanks.

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I'm actually thinking about becoming

a motivational speaker.

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So if you were home right now,

what would you be doing?

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Typical Christmassy stuff, you know.

Our holidays are pretty traditional.

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So here's a very special

holiday song...

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...that I wrote for some

very important people to me.

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[SINGING]

Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap

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Asked him to bring my friends

All kinds of crap

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Said all you need

Is to write them a song

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They haven't heard it yet

So don't try to sing along

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No don't sing along

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Monica, Monica

Have a happy Hanukkah

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Saw Santa Claus

He said hello to Ross

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And please tell Joey

Christmas will be snowy

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And Rachel and Chandler

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[SINGS GIBBERISH]

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Happy holidays, everybody.

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Okay, Pheebs, look in the kitchen.

I'll look in the back closet.

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I can save you time, ladies.

I'm right here.

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Yeah.

Chandler, why don't you take a walk?

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This doesn't concern you.

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We are looking for

our Christmas presents from Monica.

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CHANDLER: What? That's terrible.

- No, no. We do it every year.

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Oh, well, that makes it not terrible.

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No. Yeah, we never find them.

She's always bested us, that wily...

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...minx.

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Don't worry.

We're gonna search here for an hour...

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...and then we're gonna go to Joey's

and search. Okay?

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No, not okay.

You can't look for Monica's presents.

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- No, we have to.

- No, you don't have to.

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And you can't, because I live here too.

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- Well, then you should look with us.

- Why?

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Chandler, aren't you worried about

what to get Monica for Christmas?

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No, I have a great idea

for a present for her.

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Oh, pfft. That's it? A great idea again?

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Chandler, that's not enough.

What if she gets you a great present...

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...two medium presents

and a bunch of little presents...

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...and you got her one great present?

That's just gonna make her feel bad.

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Why would you do that to her, Chandler?

Why? Why?

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- If I helped, we could find them faster.

- That's right.

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- Ooh, ooh, we have a live one.

- It's a Macy's bag.

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Yeah.

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- Oh.

- Ooh. Who's it for?

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"Dear Losers: Do you really think

I'd hide presents under the couch?

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P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you."

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Rach, these are for you.

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Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.

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No, but with this new car smell,

you'll think you do.

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Okay, Pheebs, your turn.

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Ah. Toilet seat covers.

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Is that what you were doing

while I was getting gas?

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You guys.

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And for Ross, Mr. Sweet Tooth.

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- You got me a cola drink?

- And... a lemon-lime.

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Wow. Well, this... This is too much.

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I feel like I should get you

another sweater.

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And last, but not least...

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They're ribbed, for your pleasure.

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Well, hey, Ben.

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What if the Holiday Armadillo

told you all about the Festival of Lights?

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Cool.

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MONICA:

Come on, Ben.

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Years and years ago, there were

these people called the Maccabees.

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Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas.

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BEN: Santa.

- Hey.

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What are you doing here, Santa?

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Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben.

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What are you doing here...

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...weird turtle-man?

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I'm the Holiday Armadillo,

your part-Jewish friend.

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You sent me here to give Ben

some presents.

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Remember?

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What?

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Okay, Ben, why don't you open

some more presents?

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Santa, the armadillo and I

will have a talk in the kitchen.

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There's a sentence I never thought

I'd say.

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What are you doing?

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You called everyone and said

you had trouble finding a Santa costume...

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...so I borrowed one

from a guy at work.

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Thank you, but you gotta leave.

00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:06,670

- Why?

- Because...

00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:09,589

...I'm finally getting him excited

about Hanukkah.

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And you're wrecking it.

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But I didn't get to shake my belly

like a bowl full of jelly.

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I'm sorry, Chandler,

but this is really important to me.

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Okay, fine. I'll give the suit back.

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Hey, you think you can keep it

another night?

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Santa? Really?

00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:40,996

- Yeah, is that okay?

- Did your dad ever dress up like Santa?

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- No.

- Then it's okay.

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You know what, everybody?

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Go home.

You should be with your families.

00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:55,302

It's bad enough that we're working

New Year's Eve.

00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:01,182

Did I not tell anyone

about New Year's Eve?

00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:05,395

All right, look, go. Go home, okay?

Merry Christmas. Go.

00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,981

ALL: Merry Christmas.

CHANDLER: Peace on earth.

00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:12,861

ALL: Bye.

- Good. Godspeed, good people.

00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:17,741

- You're not gonna go?

- Nah. I couldn't leave you alone.

00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:20,201

Oh. Thanks.

00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:24,414

Besides, I can't leave until that

Christmas party downstairs clears out.

00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:27,876

There are some pissed-off insurance people

looking for that ham.

00:10:28,085 --> 00:10:29,252

Ah.

00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:30,837

[PHONE RINGS]

00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:34,090

- Chandler Bing.

- Hi, honey. We're all here.

00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,051

We just want to wish you

a Merry Christmas.

00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:37,761

ALL:

Merry Christmas.

00:10:37,928 --> 00:10:39,971

[PHOEBE SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

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Aw, merry Christmas. I miss you guys.

00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:46,061

So is it horrible?

Is everybody working really hard?

00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:49,105

Uh, well, no, it's just, uh, me and Wendy.

00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:52,025

Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.

00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:55,403

It is. Did I not tell you about her?

00:10:55,571 --> 00:10:59,366

Mm-hm. About the time you told me

about New Year's Eve.

00:10:59,575 --> 00:11:02,661

- Where's everybody else?

CHANDLER: I sent them home.

00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:06,623

Oh, you are such a good boss.

Is she pretty?

00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:11,544

- Uh... Uh...

- Answer faster. Answer faster.

00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:14,589

- I don't know.

- Answer better. Answer better.

00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,718

I don't think of her that way.

I mean, she's a, uh, colleague.

00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:21,971

- What does she do there?

- Oh, she's regional vice president.

00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:24,641

- She's just below me.

- She did what?

00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:32,065

Below me.

00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:35,819

Oh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up

Miss Oklahoma?

00:11:35,986 --> 00:11:37,654

What?

00:11:38,989 --> 00:11:41,157

Well, she didn't win.

00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,327

All right, well, maybe I should let you...

00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:47,497

...and the second-prettiest girl

in Oklahoma get back to work.

00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,040

Well, second prettiest that year.

00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:51,710

Of all the girls in Oklahoma,

she's probably...

00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:53,378

Chandler, stop talking.

00:11:55,464 --> 00:11:58,091

Honey, there's really

nothing to worry about.

00:11:58,300 --> 00:12:00,552

- Okay.

- I'm serious.

00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:02,011

Okay.

00:12:02,304 --> 00:12:05,014

- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.

00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:07,892

- Merry Christmas, you guys.

ALL: Merry Christmas.

00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,185

[PHOEBE SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:18,069

- The wife says hi.

- Ah. Fun conversation?

00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:21,322

Ah, well, she's just got

this weird idea that, uh...

00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:23,867

...just because you and I are alone

something's gonna happen.

00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:26,745

Huh? Really?

00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:30,540

Hmm. Would that be so terrible?

00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:35,587

This is probably the wrong thing

to be worrying about...

00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:39,591

...but you're getting ham

on my only tie.

00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:49,809

- Whoa, back off, missy.

- Ha, ha. Missy?

00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:52,645

I don't know. I'm not used to girls

making passes at me.

00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:56,858

Wait a minute.

Am I sexy in Oklahoma?

00:12:57,818 --> 00:13:02,405

- You are to me.

- No. No. No.

00:13:03,407 --> 00:13:06,993

- Look, I'm married.

- So? I'm married.

00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,078

I'm happily married.

00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,873

Oh. What's that like?

00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:17,212

- Right. So I'm sorry, but...

- Seriously? Happily married?

00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:20,507

So that phone call before,

that was happy?

00:13:20,716 --> 00:13:23,927

Well, look, it's not easy

to spend this much time apart.

00:13:24,136 --> 00:13:26,346

She's entitled to be a little paranoid.

00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:29,182

Or, in this case, right on the money.

00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:34,771

You know, she's amazing

and beautiful and smart.

00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:38,566

And if she were here right now,

she'd kick your ass.

00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:46,574

Look, you're a really nice person,

ham stealing and adultery aside.

00:13:48,452 --> 00:13:51,246

But what I have with my wife

is pretty great.

00:13:51,413 --> 00:13:54,457

So nothing's ever gonna happen

between us.

00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,252

Okay, let me ask you something.

00:13:57,419 --> 00:14:01,005

If what you and your wife have

is so great...

00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:04,425

...then why are you spending

Christmas with me?

00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:08,429

You were the most beautiful woman

in the room tonight.

00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,015

- Really?

- Are you kidding?

00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:14,185

You're the most beautiful woman

in most rooms.

00:14:21,986 --> 00:14:24,612

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on?

You and I just made out.

00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:27,240

- You and I are making out?

- Well, not anymore.

00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:31,828

- But we don't do that.

- I know. I just thought it would be fun.

00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:35,999

- How drunk are you?

- Drunk enough that I know I wanna do this.

00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:39,419

Not so drunk that you should feel guilty

about taking advantage.

00:14:41,171 --> 00:14:43,214

That's a perfect amount.

00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,347

- You know what's weird?

- What?

00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,933

- This doesn't feel weird.

- I know.

00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:59,314

- You're a really good kisser.

- Well, I have kissed over four women.

00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:02,400

- You wanna get under the covers?

- Uh-huh.

00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:04,110

Okay.

00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,662

Wow, you are really fast.

00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:18,041

It bodes well for me

that speed impresses you.

00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:22,503

- We're gonna see each other naked.

- Yep.

00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:25,340

- You want to do it at the same time?

- Count of three?

00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:27,008

- One.

- Two.

00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:29,260

Three.

00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:37,185

Well, I think it's safe to say

that our friendship is effectively ruined.

00:15:37,394 --> 00:15:40,021

Eh, we weren't that close anyway.

00:15:41,982 --> 00:15:44,400

So are you really gonna go out

with that nurse-man?

00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,820

Well, uh, you and I

are just goofing around.

00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:51,616

I thought, why not

just goof around with him?

00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:57,956

I don't know if you've ever looked up

the term "goofing around" in the dictionary.

00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:00,416

Well, I have.

00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:05,588

And the technical definition

is two friends...

00:16:05,756 --> 00:16:12,053

...who care a lot about each other

and have amazing sex...

00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:18,810

...and just want to spend

more time together.

00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:22,146

But if you have this newfangled dictionary

that gets you mad at me...

00:16:22,314 --> 00:16:26,025

...then we have to, you know,

get you my original dictionary.

00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,571

I am so bad at this.

00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,783

I think you're better

than you think you are.

00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:37,787

- Really? Okay. So if...?

- Know when to stop.

00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,039

You know, I sensed that I should stop.

00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:43,292

- So we're okay?

- Yeah.

00:16:46,755 --> 00:16:49,465

- Don't do the dance.

- Right.

00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:53,428

I can't get married without

something old, something new...

00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:56,389

...something borrowed, something blue.

- Okay, okay.

00:16:56,598 --> 00:16:58,891

Here's something blue and new.

00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,602

You are so efficient. I love you.

00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:03,146

- Let's go.

- No, no, wait.

00:17:03,313 --> 00:17:05,023

We need something old.

00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:09,444

Okay. I have a condom in my wallet

that I've had since I was 12.

00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:12,488

That'll work.

00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:14,490

I don't think so.

00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:17,160

Okay. Now we just need

something borrowed.

00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:22,623

- Here, just take this.

- That's stealing.

00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:25,376

We'll bring it back.

Just put it under your dress.

00:17:32,634 --> 00:17:34,677

Aw.

00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:39,015

Okay, one thing at a time.

00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:43,144

Listen, um...

00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:46,731

...I've been thinking.

00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:51,152

It's not fair for me to ask you to spend

all of your money on our wedding.

00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:54,405

I mean, you work...

You work really hard for that.

00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:56,824

- Well...

- Well, you work for that.

00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:01,454

Look, I've thought about it too.

And...

00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:06,250

...I'm sorry. I think we should spend

all of the money on the wedding.

00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:11,172

- You do?

- Yeah. I'm putting my foot down.

00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:15,009

Yeah, look, when I proposed...

00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:19,305

...I told you that I would do anything

to make you happy.

00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:23,142

And if having the perfect wedding

makes you happy, then...

00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:25,269

Then that's what we're gonna do.

00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:28,314

You are so sweet.

00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:35,113

But wait. What about our...?

What about the future and stuff?

00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:39,075

Ah, forget about the future and stuff.

So we only have two kids.

00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:43,412

You know, we'll pick our favorite,

and that one will get to go to college.

00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:46,874

- You've thought about that?

- Yeah.

00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:51,087

- How many kids were we gonna have?

- Uh, four. A boy, twin girls...

00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:52,713

...and another boy.

00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:57,260

- What else did you think about?

- Well, heh...

00:18:57,427 --> 00:19:01,097

...stuff like where we'd live, you know.

00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:05,768

Like a small place outside the city where

our kids could ride their bikes and stuff.

00:19:05,936 --> 00:19:09,605

You know, we could have a cat

that had a bell on its collar...

00:19:09,773 --> 00:19:13,651

...and we could hear it every time

it ran through the little kitty door.

00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:18,114

Of course we'd have an apartment

over the garage where Joey could grow old.

00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:25,246

You know what?

00:19:25,789 --> 00:19:28,708

I don't...

I don't want a big, fancy wedding.

00:19:29,209 --> 00:19:31,377

- Sure you do.

- No.

00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:35,381

I want everything that you've just said.

00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:38,009

I want a marriage.

00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:40,761

- You sure?

- Mm-hm.

00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:46,726

- I love you so much.

- I love you.

00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:05,119

- Ah! Oh, I love it.

- Really? You're not gonna return it?

00:20:05,329 --> 00:20:06,787

Well, not this second.

00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:12,043

Hey, look, you guys. It's snowing.

00:20:12,252 --> 00:20:14,003

RACHEL:

Oh.

00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:20,468

- Oh, wow, it's so beautiful.

- Wow, it really is.

00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:22,220

RACHEL:

Ah.

00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:26,098

Wendy's a fat-girl name.

00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:28,768

PHOEBE:

Aren't we done with that?

00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:33,022

Okay, fine. Fine. Let's talk about snow.

00:20:34,107 --> 00:20:35,566

Do you think it's snowing in Tulsa...

00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:38,569

...where my husband's having sex

on a copying machine?

00:20:41,281 --> 00:20:43,532

- Hey.

- Oh, my God.

00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:45,660

JOEY: Hey.

RACHEL: Aw.

00:20:45,827 --> 00:20:49,372

Hey. Look at that.

It's a Christmas miracle.

00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:55,461

- What are you doing here?

- I wanted to be with you.

00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:57,380

I missed you so much.

00:20:57,547 --> 00:21:00,841

- Hey, hey, uh, who'd you miss the most?

- Monica.

00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,928

Gotcha.

00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:10,935

- I never wanna leave you again.

- But I thought if you left, you'd get fired.

00:21:11,144 --> 00:21:14,605

Turns out they can't fire me.

Because I quit.

00:21:14,982 --> 00:21:18,526

- What?

- What? You...? You really quit your job?

00:21:18,735 --> 00:21:22,196

Yeah. It was a stupid job,

and I could not stand leaving you.

00:21:22,489 --> 00:21:24,740

And why should I be the only one

who doesn't get to do...

00:21:24,908 --> 00:21:26,200

...what he really wants to do?

00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:31,330

- Well, what do you really wanna do?

- I have not thought this through.

00:21:31,999 --> 00:21:35,501

- Oh, my God.

- I know. I should've talked to you first.

00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:38,879

No, I think that this is what

you wanna do. I think it's great.

00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:41,674

Thanks.

00:21:41,883 --> 00:21:46,971

Chandler, your being here is the best

Christmas present I could ever imagine.

00:21:47,222 --> 00:21:48,306

Aw.

00:21:48,515 --> 00:21:51,017

- Now give me my real gift.

CHANDLER: Yeah.

00:21:51,184 --> 00:21:53,227

PHOEBE: Thank you.

- Here, pass those around.

00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:55,771

ROSS:

Oh, hey.

00:22:01,611 --> 00:22:05,906

"A donation has been made in your name

to the New York City Ballet."

00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:09,994

How did you know?

00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:14,165

What? Are you kidding?

I can't return this.

00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:17,710

I thought it was time we started

thinking about other people.

00:22:17,878 --> 00:22:20,338

And besides, this gift still says

I love you guys.

00:22:20,547 --> 00:22:24,342

- Mine says, "To Lillian Myers."

- I don't have a job.

00:22:29,556 --> 00:22:32,141

Actuary? No.

00:22:32,476 --> 00:22:35,644

Bookkeeper? Hmm, no.

00:22:35,812 --> 00:22:38,397

Topless dancer?

00:22:43,820 --> 00:22:47,365

Hey, you know what I just realized?

You are the sole wage earner.

00:22:47,532 --> 00:22:53,037

You are the head of the household.

I don't do anything. I'm a kept man.

00:22:53,246 --> 00:22:54,747

You are.

00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:56,332

Honey, here's 20 bucks.

00:22:56,625 --> 00:22:59,251

Go buy yourself something pretty

while I'm at work tomorrow.

00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,386

[English - US - SDH]