Эпизод, где Моника поёт

00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:09,093

Look, can we talk

about what happened here last night?

00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:13,055

Sure. Just give me a second

to get all huffy and weird like you.

00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:19,061

You believe that whoever did something

last night did what they did or didn't do?

00:00:19,729 --> 00:00:22,356

Okay, you really don't know

what I'm talking about?

00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:25,026

- No.

- Okay. Last night, after the party...

00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:28,779

...I saw Rachel kissing that jerk

from her office out on your balcony.

00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:30,406

Our balcony? Seriously?

00:00:30,573 --> 00:00:33,951

That's so funny. I told Monica

we should put lights on our balcony...

00:00:34,118 --> 00:00:37,788

...and she said, "No, no. It's too cold.

Nobody will go out there." And I said:

00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:40,416

"Maybe if we put some lights

out there they will."

00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:46,464

Right, that's what I came over to talk

about. I saw Rachel kissing some guy...

00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:50,384

...on your balcony,

even though there were no lights!

00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:54,305

So are you gonna talk to her?

00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:58,350

Why? Why should I? I mean,

if she wants to move on, that's fine.

00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:02,146

You know when "that's fine" sounds

true? When someone yells it and spits.

00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:07,610

No, I'm serious. I mean, if she wants

to date people, fine. I don't care.

00:01:07,777 --> 00:01:09,945

But at least she could have told me.

00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:13,616

You know, I've been putting my life on

hold and concentrating on Emma.

00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:19,455

But if she wants to go out there kissing

guys she barely knows, then so will I.

00:01:22,333 --> 00:01:24,752

Very funny! Ross is gay! Ha, ha.

00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:28,130

No, no.

Good, so you're moving on.

00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:30,800

Do you have any idea

where you're moving on to?

00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:32,885

I've got plenty of opportunities.

00:01:33,052 --> 00:01:37,556

Just now, there was some woman

at the coffeehouse smiled at me.

00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:43,270

And then the other day on the subway,

a woman "accidentally" sat on my hand.

00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:48,275

Dude, don't rub my face

in your crazy single life.

00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:51,195

And there's an anthropologist

atschooL"

00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:55,116

...who totally came on to me during

the interdepartmental potluck dinner.

00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:57,952

Why did I get married?

00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:52,047

Hey, let me ask you guys something.

00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:54,008

I'm having new headshots

taken tomorrow.

00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:57,511

The photographer said she thinks

I should have my eyebrows waxed.

00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,972

Is that weird for a guy?

00:03:00,181 --> 00:03:02,349

- Well, it depends.

- On?

00:03:02,558 --> 00:03:05,394

On how far along he is

in the sex-change process.

00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:11,025

No, I totally disagree. I think it's fine

for a guy to do something like that.

00:03:11,192 --> 00:03:12,776

Especially an actor.

00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:15,863

I mean, not that you need to.

Your eyebrows are...

00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:22,870

Stop it, you guys. Stop staring,

you're freaking me out.

00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,372

Your knuckles are kind of hairy too.

00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:28,876

Oh, man, now I have to get

those done too?

00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:33,130

- Wow, talk about high maintenance.

- You dye your hair.

00:03:33,339 --> 00:03:36,550

- I'm a woman.

- Double standards!

00:03:37,843 --> 00:03:40,804

Before I forget, are you coming

to Mike's piano bar tonight?

00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:44,850

- Only if I don't have to get up and sing.

- But everybody sings. It's so fun.

00:03:45,017 --> 00:03:49,188

Last time, this adorable old man got up

there, forgot all the words, flipped out...

00:03:49,355 --> 00:03:53,734

...and everyone booed him off the stage.

It was so funny.

00:03:55,069 --> 00:03:57,404

Look, I'm not good at singing.

00:03:57,613 --> 00:04:01,742

Oh, what's the matter? You scared?

You afraid I'm a better singer?

00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,119

You afraid I'm gonna beat you

at singing?

00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:09,875

Nope. Nope. It's not working on me.

00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:13,087

Wow, I must be growing up.

00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:19,134

Okay, fine. Just please come and

support Mike. You don't have to sing.

00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:23,472

So I don't have to sing, and I can just sit

there and pass judgment on others?

00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:25,933

- While drinking.

- I'm there.

00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,938

Hi, you guys.

Listen, I really need your help.

00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:33,607

I think I did something

really stupid.

00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:37,444

Well, yes, Rachel, but you got something

so beautiful out of it.

00:04:40,072 --> 00:04:42,866

No, not that.

I kissed Gavin last night.

00:04:43,075 --> 00:04:44,159

- My God.

- You kissed him?

00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,912

Yeah, it was after the party,

we were on the balcony--

00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:50,457

Wait, wait, wait. I was at home

the whole time. How did I miss that?

00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:54,795

Well, it was the end of the party. You

were probably ironing wrapping paper.

00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,214

Oh, yeah.

00:04:59,925 --> 00:05:01,802

So how did you end up kissing?

00:05:02,011 --> 00:05:04,346

We were all alone

and he was being really nice...

00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:07,725

-...and he gave me this scarf.

- I thought you hated him.

00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:10,644

Well, there is a thin line

between love and hate...

00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:15,399

...and it turns out that line

is a scarf.

00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:19,820

Are you thinking of starting

something up with this guy?

00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:23,032

I don't know. It's so complicated.

I work with this guy.

00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:26,744

I have the baby, and I have Ross.

I don't know what to do.

00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:30,164

And I have to be at the office

and see Gavin in 10 minutes.

00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:33,917

Sounds like you need to think

about what you want and talk to Gavin.

00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:38,047

- And you definitely should talk to Ross.

- Or...

00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,800

...I could call in sick

and not deal with it at all.

00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,804

Wow! Five months maternity leave,

you're back for four days...

00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:50,267

...kiss a co-worker and call in sick.

They are lucky to have you.

00:05:58,233 --> 00:05:59,318

- Hi.

- Hi.

00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:04,281

- I'm here for my eyebrow appointment.

- Name?

00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:06,241

Chandler Bing.

00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,162

Okay, very good.

00:06:10,329 --> 00:06:13,540

Have a seat right here, Mr. Bing,

and Sonya will be right with you.

00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,793

- Okay. Thanks.

- Mm-hm.

00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:43,362

Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

00:06:48,534 --> 00:06:50,327

Uh-oh.

00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:04,133

I touched the stuff.

00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:07,219

I'll take care of it.

00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,766

Thanks.

00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:16,019

So do you...?

Do you get a lot of guys in here?

00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,981

- Oh, absolutely.

- Oh, good.

00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:22,818

- You looking to meet somebody?

- All right, let's just do this.

00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:26,655

Okay, we'll get to the wax in a minute.

00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:29,575

First, I want to tweeze

some of the strays, okay?

00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:33,704

- Now, this may sting just a little bit.

- I have an extremely high threshold--

00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:37,958

Holy Mother of God!

Oh, my face! My face!

00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,300

I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm all right.

00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:49,845

It's just a bit of shock, that's all.

00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:54,475

- But I'll be fine. You can go again.

- Okay.

00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,646

Sorry.

00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,446

Damn it, woman!

00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:10,324

QW, ow! Oh!

00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:14,620

Okay.

00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:20,584

_H6Y-

_H6Y-

00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:24,171

It's the most eligible man in New York.

How's the moving on going?

00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:29,885

Not well. I went on the subway again

and someone did sit on my hand...

00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:34,014

...but that person was neither female

nor wearing pants.

00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:39,394

Maybe you're going about this

the wrong way. I mean, think about it:

00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:44,024

Single white male, divorced three times,

two illegitimate children.

00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:48,904

The personal ad writes itself.

00:08:49,905 --> 00:08:53,867

You know, that's funny. Yeah.

So do you think you'll ever work again?

00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:58,664

What are you doing?

You know I can only dish it out.

00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:03,919

I can't believe Rachel just moved on

and didn't say anything to me.

00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:05,712

Maybe she didn't move on.

00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:09,508

Maybe that kiss was just an impulsive,

one-time birthday thing.

00:09:09,675 --> 00:09:12,678

No, a month ago, she gave her number

to some guy in a bar.

00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,972

- Did she go out with him?

- No. When he called...

00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:16,640

...I threw the message away.

00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,477

Ah, the highroad.

00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:25,691

All right, you know what? Enough.

Enough talking. I have to get moving.

00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:30,946

Hey, check out those two blonds

over there. Hey, come with me.

00:09:31,154 --> 00:09:33,782

Are you trying to get

everybody divorced?

00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:37,869

You don't have to do anything.

It'll just be easier if it's two of us.

00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:42,374

Like college, remember? First, you

break the ice with some kind of a joke...

00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:46,628

...so they know you're the funny one. I

swoop in with interesting conversation...

00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:51,049

...so they'll see that I'm the brilliant,

brooding sexy one.

00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,471

I thought I got to make the jokes.

00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:01,435

- Don't you have to be at work?

- Oh, come on.

00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:09,109

Hello. Hi, my name's Chandler.

This is my friend Ross right here.

00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:10,861

We were wondering...

00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:15,032

...if you're up for it, we only need

six more people for a human pyramid.

00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:18,910

Swoop. Swoop.

00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:22,789

Uh... So, um...

00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:26,752

Hey, I notice

you're reading the paper.

00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:29,254

Another flood in Europe, huh?

00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,717

Um, here's a question:

00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:40,140

Would you rather drown

or be burned alive?

00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:45,896

- I'm sorry, we're just leaving.

- Okay.

00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:50,734

We still got it.

00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:59,618

[KNOCKING ON DQOR]

00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:03,830

- Who is it?

GAVIN: Gavin. I brought you some soup.

00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,500

- Why?

- Uh, I heard your were sick.

00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:10,545

Oh, right! Hold on,

let me just clean up in here a little bit.

00:11:21,264 --> 00:11:23,392

Hello, Gavin.

00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,269

I missed you at work.

How you feeling?

00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:30,190

I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm pretty sick.

00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:33,527

Oh, good. Because I was having

a totally paranoid moment...

00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:35,904

...where I thought you

called in sick to avoid me.

00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:39,032

Oh, no, no, no.

00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,951

[COUGHS]

00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,870

So I had fun last night.

00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,540

So did I.

00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:51,461

Exactly how contagious

is this thing you have?

00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:56,883

Is it a cold from standing on

the balcony, or did a monkey bite you?

00:11:57,426 --> 00:12:00,303

- It's just a cold.

- Do you have a fever?

00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,764

Let me see.

00:12:07,269 --> 00:12:08,311

Um...

00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,188

What? What is it?

What's the matter?

00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:12,858

What's Ross doing to you

in that picture?

00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:16,778

Oh, he's dusting me with a fossil brush.

00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:20,365

He thought it would be funny.

00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:22,784

- Right. Right.

- Yeah.

00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:24,953

- Ross.

- Yeah.

00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:28,957

What's the deal with you guys? I don't

wanna get in the middle of anything.

00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:32,961

Oh, you're not getting in the middle

of anything. Don't worry about Ross.

00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:34,171

[KEYS RATTLING]

00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:36,757

Hide! That's Ross! Hide!

00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:39,634

- Hide! Hide!

- Yeah, but you said not to worry--

00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,596

I lied and I'm not sick either!

Just stay behind the curtain!

00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:49,770

- Hi.

- Oh, Molly. You're not Ross.

00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:52,814

No. I'm here to take Emma

to your mother's, remember?

00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:54,608

Right. Yes, yes.

00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:57,652

- Don't panic.

RACHEL: What?

00:12:57,819 --> 00:13:00,071

There is a man behind your curtain.

00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:03,867

- I have Mace in my purse.

- No, that's okay! No, no, no.

00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:09,080

This is my business associate Gavin

being silly. Come out from behind there.

00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:13,460

Hi. Gavin. Pleased to meet you.

00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:16,880

It was my idea to stand there.

00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:21,343

- Hello. I'll just go get Emma.

RACHEL: Okay.

00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:23,261

[RACHEL CLEARS THROAT]

00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,764

So...

00:13:25,931 --> 00:13:29,726

-...why did I have to hide?

- I thought it was Ross.

00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:32,687

I thought there was nothing

going on between you.

00:13:32,896 --> 00:13:34,856

There isn't. There totally isn't.

00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:39,611

You hear keys in the hall and you jump

like a bronco coming out of the chute.

00:13:41,905 --> 00:13:44,074

I used to be a rodeo clown.

00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:49,663

Um, all right, look, Gavin...

00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:56,002

...I guess I felt guilty

that you were here...

00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,171

...Which I shouldn't.

00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:01,925

You know, Ross and I

are not in a relationship...

00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:06,638

...but he is the father of my child.

And, you know...

00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:10,433

...we do live together. And plus,

there's just so much history, you know?

00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,519

It's just-- I don't know.

00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:16,815

- I'm sorry. I'm just all over the place.

- It's okay.

00:14:17,816 --> 00:14:20,944

It's probably not my place,

but can I give you a piece of advice?

00:14:21,111 --> 00:14:24,573

- Yes.

- You should talk to Ross about all this.

00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:28,076

People keep saying that.

00:14:29,578 --> 00:14:32,414

Oh, I'm sorry, Gavin.

00:14:32,581 --> 00:14:34,249

Don't be.

00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:37,085

It's just bad timing.

00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:40,547

So seriously, rodeo clown?

00:14:41,423 --> 00:14:44,092

One of the best, ma'am.

One of the best.

00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,430

[PIANO PLAYING]

00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:52,017

[SINGING]

No time for losers

00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:57,564

'Cause we are the champions

00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:01,818

Of the world

00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:16,207

Oh, she's my girlfriend.

That's not just how we do it here.

00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:18,960

I'm gonna take a little break,

and when we come back...

00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:22,505

...we've got Kenneth singing

"I Touch Myself."

00:15:23,173 --> 00:15:25,842

I'm not here to judge.

00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:29,095

[GIGGLES]

00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:32,515

- You have got to sing.

- No, I told you I can't.

00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:36,186

But you would have so much fun.

And you have a really nice voice.

00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:39,940

- When have you heard me sing?

- All the time, when you're cooking.

00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:41,733

- What?

- Yeah, you're always singing:

00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:44,694

"Yummy, yummy, yummy,

I've got love in my tummy."

00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:47,697

Yeah, I do rock that one.

00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:53,078

Isn't there just a little part of you

that wants to get up there?

00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:57,332

Just a little. But, God, it's so scary.

00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:59,501

I don't even know what I would sing.

00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:02,379

- Well, I've got a book around--

-"Delta Dawn."

00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:16,351

Hi. I couldn't help but notice,

but that's an unusual necklace.

00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:19,396

You already hit on me an hour ago.

00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:24,734

Right. So that's a firm no?

00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:33,535

I don't believe this.

I just keep striking out.

00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:36,162

I don't get it either.

00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:39,040

I mean, you're obviously desperate.

00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:43,044

You're asking women

how they wanna be killed.

00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:46,339

This is great.

Rachel's gonna keep kissing guys...

00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:50,385

...until she finds the one she wants,

and I'm gonna die alone.

00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:53,555

By drowning or...?

00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:59,185

- Why would he break up with me?

- I don't know, sweetie.

00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:03,648

All I ever wanted was to just love him

and have him love me back.

00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:07,569

I mean, am I so unlovable?

00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:10,864

- Wow.

- I know.

00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:24,586

All right. That was Kenneth with his...

00:17:24,753 --> 00:17:28,548

...much too literal rendition

of "I Touch Myself."

00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:32,927

Coming up next, we've got Monica

singing "Delta Dawn."

00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:36,014

Wait. I can't sing in

front of all these people.

00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:38,600

Just pretend they're not

even here. It's okay.

00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:43,438

Once that spotlight hits you, it's so

bright, you won't see anyone anyway.

00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:50,737

Hi, I'm Monica. And I'm going

to be singing "Delta Dawn."

00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:57,368

[PIANO PLAYING]

00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:06,586

[SINGING] Delta Dawn

What's that flower you have on?

00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:13,468

Could it be a faded rose

From days gone by?

00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:19,390

- Can you totally see through her shirt?

- Like an x-ray.

00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:23,311

Bad day not to wear a bra.

00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:30,276

Take me to that mansion in the sky

00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:35,573

JOEY:

Hey.

00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:38,243

I need your help.

00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,372

Wow, it seems serious.

00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:46,126

What seems to be the problem,

Ashley Judd?

00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:50,296

I'm getting new headshots taken.

So I went to get my eyebrows shaped.

00:18:50,505 --> 00:18:53,424

I'm sorry.

Moment to make fun of that, please.

00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:58,263

I may be a sissy, but I'll still

pound you into the ground.

00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:02,308

Look, it hurt so bad, I could only

let her do one eyebrow, and now...

00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:05,228

...they don't match!

00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:21,661

It's like a baby caterpillar

chasing its mama.

00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:24,998

You gotta help me out, okay?

Look, I have a magic marker.

00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:28,126

Fill in the skinny one

so I don't look stupid for my pictures.

00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:30,920

Okay, first of all, this is green.

00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:34,174

- What the hell am I supposed to do?!

- I will help you out...

00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:38,970

...but you have to promise you won't

tell anyone what I'm about to tell you.

00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:41,764

What? What?

00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,433

Okay.

00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,728

You know how most kids get their

allowance from mowing the lawn...

00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:51,482

...or taking out the garbage?

Well, I earned mine...

00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:57,614

...by plucking the eyebrows of my father

and his "business partners."

00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,284

[LAUGHS]

00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:04,037

Oh, my God.

00:20:04,454 --> 00:20:07,790

Yeah, well, I guess you don't need

my help, Victor-Victoria.

00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:11,044

No, no, no. I do. I do.

I need your help.

00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:14,881

But, Chandler, I don't know if I can take

any more plucking. It hurt so bad.

00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:19,844

Not with my combination of ice cubes,

aloe vera and my gentle...

00:20:20,011 --> 00:20:23,556

...self-loathing touch.

00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:32,190

[SINGING]

Take me to that mansion in the sky

00:20:36,986 --> 00:20:38,905

CROWD:

Aww...

00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:41,866

I'm sorry, the song's over.

00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:47,413

- Did you see me up there?

- Every little bit of you.

00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:52,252

I can't believe I sang

in front of people and they liked me.

00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:55,046

Did you hear that guy shouting,

"Look at those tips"?

00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:59,092

I mean, did I really help

you get a lot of tips?

00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:00,385

Sure.

00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:05,682

- Mon, not that you didn't sound good...

- Good?

00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:09,310

Didn't you hear them? I was great!

00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:14,148

Thank you so much for making me

do this. That is the best gift ever.

00:21:14,357 --> 00:21:17,110

Also a good gift: underwear.

00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:23,491

Thank you so much

for letting me do this.

00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:27,787

Public bathrooms freak me out. I can't

even pee, let alone do anything else.

00:21:28,204 --> 00:21:31,833

But what's great is, you don't

mind talking about it.

00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:36,629

It is so amazing that I met you on the

same day that Eric broke up with me...

00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:40,675

...because it's like, you lose a boyfriend,

and you get a boyfriend.

00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:42,552

Uh-huh.

00:21:43,011 --> 00:21:47,974

No, don't worry. This is not some

rebound thing. I am totally over Eric.

00:21:48,433 --> 00:21:50,101

Phew.

00:21:55,148 --> 00:21:57,692

Good choice, Ross.

00:21:59,402 --> 00:22:01,654

Oh, hey. Hi. There you are.

00:22:01,863 --> 00:22:05,450

- I've been looking for you everywhere.

- Hello. Well, here I am.

00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:08,619

My mom is not bringing

the baby back until 9:00.

00:22:08,786 --> 00:22:12,040

So I was hoping you and I

could have a chance to kind of--

00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:13,499

[TOILET FLUSHES]

00:22:15,835 --> 00:22:18,588

- Somebody here?

- Oh, yeah. That's Michelle.

00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:21,924

- Who?

- Oh, just this woman I've been seeing.

00:22:23,468 --> 00:22:26,804

- You've been seeing someone?

- Yeah, didn't I mention that?

00:22:26,971 --> 00:22:29,891

I mean, we haven't been

going out too long...

00:22:30,058 --> 00:22:33,936

...but there's this amazing

connection between us.

00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:37,899

I mean, in fact just before you came in

she called me her boyfriend.

00:22:38,066 --> 00:22:42,111

I thought it was a little too soon,

but also, it felt kind of nice.

00:22:44,238 --> 00:22:48,076

What are you taking amoxicillin for?

00:22:53,289 --> 00:22:56,501

How great is this?

You're already comfortable enough...

00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:59,379

...to look through my stuff.

00:22:59,545 --> 00:23:02,006

I'm sorry, Michelle,

this is my roommate, Rachel.

00:23:02,215 --> 00:23:04,300

And I'm also Emma's mother.

00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:08,554

- Who's Emma?

- I told you about my daughter.

00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:11,182

This is your daughter?

00:23:12,100 --> 00:23:14,685

I could be your new mommy.

00:23:25,029 --> 00:23:26,781

And done.

00:23:27,323 --> 00:23:29,617

Oh, my God.

00:23:29,784 --> 00:23:32,870

I didn't feel a thing.

Hey, are you still looking for a job?

00:23:33,079 --> 00:23:36,624

Because you could tweeze circles

around that sadistic bitch at the salon.

00:23:38,042 --> 00:23:41,254

- Thanks. Wanna see what it looks like?

- Yeah.

00:23:41,546 --> 00:23:42,713

Hey!

00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:46,175

They totally match. They look great.

00:23:46,342 --> 00:23:49,512

They look great. How you doing?

00:23:50,638 --> 00:23:53,975

Yeah, I think it looks pretty good.

I was a little worried I was...

00:23:54,142 --> 00:23:56,894

...uncovering a birthmark

right about there...

00:23:57,061 --> 00:24:00,148

...but it turned out to be

a little piece of chocolate.

00:24:00,356 --> 00:24:02,900

- Chandler, thank you so much.

- No problem.

00:24:03,067 --> 00:24:06,529

Listen, that was a pretty

girlie hour we just spent.

00:24:06,696 --> 00:24:09,157

We should do something manly

to make up for it.

00:24:09,323 --> 00:24:11,534

Yeah.

00:24:14,787 --> 00:24:17,165

- Curl my eyelashes.

- Yeah!

00:24:20,293 --> 00:24:25,214

For my next song, I think I'll sing

something a little more upbeat, all right?

00:24:25,381 --> 00:24:29,385

Oh, how about the Pointer Sisters'

"I'm So Excited"?

00:24:29,552 --> 00:24:31,888

And make it bouncy.

00:24:32,054 --> 00:24:35,016

Well, you can probably take care of that

on your end.

00:24:35,975 --> 00:24:39,937

I'm sorry I'm late. You'll understand

when you see Joey.

00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:43,691

Honey, you're just in time.

I'm about to sing another song.

00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:46,611

- Really? In front of all these people?

- And they love me.

00:24:46,777 --> 00:24:51,032

- Oh, my God.

- She gives the people what they want.

00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:53,743

All right, watch.

00:24:54,911 --> 00:24:56,496

[PIANO PLAYING]

00:24:58,372 --> 00:25:02,710

[SINGING] Tonight, tonight we're gonna

Make it happen

00:25:02,919 --> 00:25:07,089

Tonight we'll put all other things aside

00:25:07,465 --> 00:25:10,593

Get in this time

And show me some affection

00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:13,888

Are those my wife's nipples?

00:25:14,222 --> 00:25:18,184

Isn't that funny? I didn't see that before.

I wouldn't have let her go up again.

00:25:18,351 --> 00:25:19,644

I've got to stop this.

00:25:19,810 --> 00:25:22,313

Wrap myself around you--

00:25:22,522 --> 00:25:25,233

[CROWD BOOING]

00:25:26,859 --> 00:25:28,361

CROWD:

Yeah!

00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:37,119

Oh, who cares? They still love me.

00:25:40,331 --> 00:25:44,085

You, touching yourself! Out!

00:25:46,504 --> 00:25:48,422

[TOILET FLUSHES]

00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:51,968

Wow! She does that a lot.

00:25:53,511 --> 00:25:56,973

Ross, you didn't tell me

you were a doctor.

00:25:57,181 --> 00:26:00,309

Wait a minute. You haven't even

told her you are a doctor yet?

00:26:00,476 --> 00:26:02,436

How long have you known her,

like an hour?

00:26:02,645 --> 00:26:05,773

Actually, about an hour and a half.

00:26:05,940 --> 00:26:10,528

I told you it wasn't long, but there's

an amazing connection between us.

00:26:10,695 --> 00:26:13,030

You feel that too? Oh!

00:26:13,197 --> 00:26:17,910

- I thought that that was just me.

- Are you kidding?

00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:22,039

- Do you wanna go away this weekend?

- We'll see.

00:26:23,124 --> 00:26:24,625

Ross, what's going on here?

00:26:24,792 --> 00:26:27,753

Are we just bringing strange women

back to the apartment now?

00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,464

I don't know. Are we just kissing

guys on balconies?

00:26:31,007 --> 00:26:34,635

- How do you know about that?

- Through the magic of sight.

00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:42,018

- I was here, putting our child to sleep--

- Emma.

00:26:44,186 --> 00:26:47,189

When I looked through the window

and saw you kissing a guy...

00:26:47,356 --> 00:26:49,358

...you've known for what, a week?

00:26:49,525 --> 00:26:53,362

God, is that what this is all about?

You bring her up here to get back at me?

00:26:53,571 --> 00:26:57,074

No, actually, see, I had to pee

because I can't use public bathrooms...

00:26:57,241 --> 00:27:01,579

-...because of the doody parasites.

- Okay, Michelle, it's time to go.

00:27:01,746 --> 00:27:04,498

- Well, call me.

- Okay.

00:27:04,707 --> 00:27:06,459

Wait, you don't have

my phone number.

00:27:06,667 --> 00:27:09,837

You know what?

If it's meant to be, I'll guess it.

00:27:11,339 --> 00:27:13,674

Bye-bye.

00:27:14,383 --> 00:27:16,344

Score.

00:27:16,510 --> 00:27:19,221

Did you not like her? Because I was

hoping we could come...

00:27:19,388 --> 00:27:21,432

...to your kissing parties

on the balcony.

00:27:21,641 --> 00:27:25,186

I can't believe you are making a big deal

about this. It was one kiss!

00:27:25,353 --> 00:27:27,980

- One guy. One time!

- Oh, really?

00:27:28,189 --> 00:27:30,816

- Yeah.

- Oh, really?

00:27:32,526 --> 00:27:34,362

Oh, yeah.

00:27:34,570 --> 00:27:37,323

- What about the guy from the bar?

- Who?

00:27:37,531 --> 00:27:40,660

The guy you gave your number to.

00:27:40,826 --> 00:27:45,122

- How do you know about that?

- Because he called here looking for you.

00:27:45,289 --> 00:27:49,418

So don't tell me kissing this guy

from work is a one-time thing.

00:27:49,627 --> 00:27:52,922

Because you've been out there

in bars and on balconies...

00:27:53,089 --> 00:27:57,259

...for over a month now. And you

don't even have the courtesy to tell me.

00:27:58,135 --> 00:28:00,971

- Why didn't I get that message?

- What?

00:28:01,138 --> 00:28:04,934

From the guy in the bar?

Why didn't I get that message?

00:28:05,142 --> 00:28:08,312

Because I folded it up

and put it in my pants pocket.

00:28:08,479 --> 00:28:11,649

Do you--? Do you not look there?

00:28:13,609 --> 00:28:15,152

Ross.

00:28:17,863 --> 00:28:20,366

I never gave it to you.

00:28:20,533 --> 00:28:22,243

Why?

00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:26,622

- I don't know.

- Oh, God, you know what? I don't...

00:28:26,789 --> 00:28:29,542

Who do you think you are?

Who are you to decide...

00:28:29,709 --> 00:28:32,628

...what messages

I should or should not get?!

00:28:32,962 --> 00:28:35,756

Who am I? I'm the guy

who's taking care of our baby...

00:28:35,923 --> 00:28:39,218

-...while you're at bars meeting guys!

- I cannot believe you.

00:28:39,385 --> 00:28:43,597

I actually came in here hoping to have

a mature conversation about us.

00:28:43,764 --> 00:28:46,350

But I can't do that with someone

who hides my messages...

00:28:46,517 --> 00:28:49,353

...and brings crazy women

back to my apartment!

00:28:49,562 --> 00:28:53,858

Hey, none of the sane ones

wanted to come back with me!

00:28:56,569 --> 00:28:59,572

That's not the point, okay?

The point is...

00:28:59,739 --> 00:29:03,784

...you are the one who moved on

and didn't tell anyone.

00:29:03,993 --> 00:29:08,122

Oh, God, Ross,

this is just so messed up.

00:29:08,289 --> 00:29:12,418

What is wrong with us? When people

hear about our situation, they ask:

00:29:12,626 --> 00:29:15,629

"You live together, but you're not

a couple, yet you have a baby?

00:29:15,796 --> 00:29:19,967

Isn't that weird?" And I say,

"No. It's not, because it works for us."

00:29:20,176 --> 00:29:22,094

But you know what?

This doesn't work.

00:29:22,261 --> 00:29:26,390

- In fact, this is the opposite of working.

- Clearly.

00:29:28,142 --> 00:29:29,852

And you know...

00:29:30,019 --> 00:29:33,731

...we said that we would live together

as long as this makes sense...

00:29:33,898 --> 00:29:38,277

...and maybe this

just doesn't make sense anymore.

00:29:39,862 --> 00:29:42,323

Yeah, maybe not.

00:29:43,574 --> 00:29:46,035

So, what do you wanna do?

00:29:46,202 --> 00:29:47,536

[KNOCKING ON DQOR]

00:29:49,205 --> 00:29:52,041

- Hey.

- Hi.

00:29:52,208 --> 00:29:55,669

Can Emma and I live here for a while?

00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:58,255

God. Uh...

00:29:58,964 --> 00:30:02,843

- Of course.

- Thank you.

00:30:07,014 --> 00:30:09,850

Your eyebrows look weird.

00:30:17,274 --> 00:30:21,362

[SINGING]

Jeremiah was a bullfrog

00:30:21,570 --> 00:30:25,032

Was a good friend of mine

00:30:25,199 --> 00:30:28,452

Never understood a single word he said

00:30:28,661 --> 00:30:32,456

But I helped him drink his wine

00:30:35,376 --> 00:30:38,379

So you'll just touch yourself

for anything, then?

00:30:46,554 --> 00:30:48,556

[English - US - SDH]