Эпизод, где стриптизёр плачет

00:00:05,505 --> 00:00:06,880

- Oh, sure.

- Joey's gonna be...

00:00:07,048 --> 00:00:08,757

...a celebrity guest on a game show.

00:00:08,925 --> 00:00:09,925

CHANDLER: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oh.

00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:12,428

- Really? Which one?

MONICA: Mm-mm.

00:00:12,595 --> 00:00:15,097

Fish. Seaweed.

00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:17,558

- A sunken ship.

- Things you find in the ocean.

00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:20,436

- You're gonna be on Pyramid!

- Yeah.

00:00:20,603 --> 00:00:24,023

- That was our favorite game show ever.

- Except for Match Game.

00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:25,607

- Or Win, Lose or Draw.

ROSS: Oh!

00:00:25,775 --> 00:00:27,735

What did I marry into?

00:00:28,486 --> 00:00:30,779

You guys wanna come

and watch me tape the show?

00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:33,615

Oh, we can't. We're throwing Phoebe

a bachelorette party.

00:00:33,783 --> 00:00:37,161

Yeah. Sorry, boys, this ride's closing.

00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:41,915

Oh, and Chandler and I have this stupid

college alumni thing.

00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:44,918

Oh, I can't believe you get

to meet Donny Osmond.

00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,255

- Seriously?

- Yeah-huh.

00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:51,925

Ross and I always wanted to be

Donny and Marie.

00:00:52,093 --> 00:00:53,510

ROSS:

Mm-hm.

00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:56,096

You guys just keep getting

cooler and cooler.

00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,309

Yeah, we used to perform

for our family and friends.

00:01:00,518 --> 00:01:04,396

Oh, God, that's right. I blocked that out.

00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:06,565

[SINGING]

I'm a little bit country

00:01:06,816 --> 00:01:09,359

[SINGING]

And I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll

00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:13,572

I'm leaving you.

00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,959

[SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC

PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:10,587

It's so weird to see

all these people again.

00:02:10,755 --> 00:02:12,798

Oh, my God, look. There's Jeffrey Klarik.

00:02:13,049 --> 00:02:16,593

- Who?

- He was roommates with John Rosoff.

00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:20,264

He went out with Andrea Tamborino.

00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:24,059

She dumped him for Michael Skloff.

00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:28,063

Did I go to this school?

00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:32,651

Hey, there's Missy Goldberg.

You gotta remember her.

00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:35,028

Sure. Nice.

00:02:35,196 --> 00:02:36,905

Dude, you're married to my sister.

00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:39,992

You're right. By saying "nice,"

I'm virtually licking her.

00:02:41,619 --> 00:02:45,414

Hey, I hear she's single again.

You think I should ask her out?

00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,708

Are you asking permission

to break the pact?

00:02:47,917 --> 00:02:49,126

Yes, please.

00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:05,267

Hey. Hey, check out the fliers for the band.

00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:08,604

- I made them on a Macintosh.

- Awesome.

00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:10,355

The name really stands out.

00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:15,277

Thanks to a little something called

helvetica bold 24-point.

00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:18,155

Man, we're gonna rock

that Asian Student Union.

00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:24,453

- Hey, guys.

BOTH: Hey, Missy.

00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:26,371

Our band is playing on Friday.

00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:28,457

Yeah, you should come check us out.

00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:31,001

We're called Way/No Way.

00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:34,463

- No way.

BOTH: Way.

00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:37,216

- Great. I'll be there.

CHANDLER: Fresh.

00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:38,467

- Boss.

CHANDLER: Mint.

00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:40,802

- She's gone.

- I know it.

00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:46,683

- I am totally gonna ask her out.

- Dude, I was gonna ask her out.

00:03:46,851 --> 00:03:51,188

- I said it first, bro.

- Well, I thought it first, homes.

00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:55,651

- Look, if you date...

- Wait! Wait! What are we doing?

00:03:56,319 --> 00:04:00,155

What we have is too important

to mess it up over some girl.

00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:02,824

I mean, we can get laid

any time we want.

00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:04,660

Totally.

00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:08,622

- I had sex in high school.

- Me too. I'm good at it.

00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,834

All right, I say we make a pact.

00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:15,796

Neither of us will go out

with Missy Goldberg.

00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:18,048

You got it.

00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:21,677

That's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates

and Molly Ringwald...

00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:24,054

...who we can't go out with.

- Those are the pacts.

00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:27,182

Oh, and Sheena Easton. But we probably

couldn't get her anyway.

00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:28,350

[ROSS SCOFFING]

00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:30,519

ROSS:

Maybe not you.

00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:34,898

Well, I officially give you permission

to break the pact.

00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:36,400

Thank you.

00:04:40,029 --> 00:04:45,158

All right, here I go. Hey, remember how scary

it used to be going up to girls in college?

00:04:45,326 --> 00:04:48,704

- Your hands are shaking.

- I know. And I can't stop sweating.

00:04:49,872 --> 00:04:52,708

STAGE MANAGER:

Five, four, three. Applause.

00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:56,044

[CROWD CHEERING

AND APPLAUDING]

00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:59,756

Yeah!

00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:02,926

Welcome. It is Soap Opera Week

here on Pyramid.

00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:06,805

Let's meet our contestants.

First, Gene Lester is a database specialist.

00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:09,808

He's gonna be playing with

Days of Our Lives star Joey Tribbiani.

00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:13,061

[AUDIENCE CHEERING

AND APPLAUDING]

00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:15,772

DONNY:

And over here, we have Henrietta Cherry.

00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:19,735

I know it can be intimidating for

regular people to be around celebrities...

00:05:19,902 --> 00:05:24,156

...but relax. I'm just like you,

only better-looking and richer.

00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:28,618

DONNY: She'll be playing with star

of General Hospital Leslie Charleson.

00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:30,454

[AUDIENCE CHEERING

AND APPLAUDING]

00:05:30,621 --> 00:05:33,665

Welcome, everybody. Good luck

to all of you. Let's play Pyramid.

00:05:33,916 --> 00:05:37,461

All right? Now, we flipped a coin

before the show.

00:05:37,628 --> 00:05:40,464

Gene, you won the toss,

so you'll start. Which category?

00:05:40,631 --> 00:05:43,467

- "You Crossed the Line."

DONNY: "You Crossed the Line." Joey...

00:05:43,634 --> 00:05:46,803

...describe for Gene these things

that have lines.

00:05:46,971 --> 00:05:50,766

Give me 20 seconds on the clock,

please. Ready? Go.

00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:52,934

Uh, okay,

it's a store like a supermarket.

00:05:53,102 --> 00:05:54,144

[WARBLE PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:58,857

Oh. I see what I did there. Okay, okay.

Uh, I'm writing in my...

00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,484

- Diary.

- No, more like a notebook.

00:06:00,651 --> 00:06:01,693

[WARBLE PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

00:06:01,944 --> 00:06:02,944

Damn it. Okay.

00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:07,199

Um, oh, if I'm building a house,

the plan...

00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,201

...isn't called a "shmooprint"...

00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:10,452

[WARBLE PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:12,287

I can't do that either?

00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:17,667

Oh, in high school, I once had sex

with a girl right in the middle of the?

00:06:17,835 --> 00:06:20,003

- Cafeteria?

- Yeah, but they're not looking for that.

00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:21,213

[TONE PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

00:06:21,422 --> 00:06:22,464

JOEY & AUDIENCE:

Aw...

00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:23,965

[JOEY SIGHS]

00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:29,179

- Thank you so much for this.

- Aw, you like it?

00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:31,223

Oh, my God, it's all so elegant.

00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:32,474

- Hee, hee.

RACHEL: Aw.

00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,810

When's the dirty stuff starting?

00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:39,064

- What?

- The strippers and the guys dancing...

00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:40,857

...and, you know,

pee-pees flying about.

00:06:41,025 --> 00:06:42,442

RACHEL:

Oh!

00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:48,824

Pheebs, I... There isn't gonna be

any "flying about." Ha, ha.

00:06:48,991 --> 00:06:52,160

We thought we were

a little too mature for stuff like that.

00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,496

Oh, okay.

00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:59,543

I see what you're doing. That's fine.

This is all there is. Just tea. Okay.

00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:03,338

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]

Mm, raunchy.

00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:06,007

[CHUCKLING]

00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:10,011

Seriously, Pheebs, it's not gonna be

that kind of a party.

00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:13,515

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

Really? So this is?

00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:16,226

This is my big sendoff into

married life?

00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:19,521

Rachel, this is the only

bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have.

00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:21,857

I've got a big wad of ones in my purse.

00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:28,363

Really? I mean, really? It's just tea?

00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:31,741

No.

00:07:31,909 --> 00:07:32,951

[SCOFFS]

00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:35,954

- Phoebe, of course there's more.

- Okay.

00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:39,082

I mean,

let me just go talk to Monica...

00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:42,043

...and get an ETA on the pee-pees. Heh.

00:07:45,214 --> 00:07:49,009

DONNY: Now, Gene, I must remind you,

you need all six of these to stay in the game.

00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:53,096

Describe for Joey

"things you find in your refrigerator."

00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:56,808

Bah, they might as well

just give us the points. Ha-ha-ha.

00:07:57,059 --> 00:08:00,061

Give me 20 seconds on the clock.

Ready? Go.

00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:04,399

- You put this in your coffee.

- Uh, a spoon. Your hands. Your face.

00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:08,403

- It's white.

- Paper. Snow. A ghost!

00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:12,491

- It's heavier than milk.

- A rock. A dog. The Earth. Heh, heh.

00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:13,992

- Pass.

- Ugh.

00:08:14,243 --> 00:08:17,621

- You put it on a sandwich.

- Salami. Anchovies. Jam.

00:08:17,788 --> 00:08:21,416

- It's white.

- Paper. Snow. A ghost!

00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:24,252

- It's made from eggs.

- Chickens?

00:08:24,420 --> 00:08:25,921

- Pass.

- Ugh.

00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:28,798

- You put this on a hamburger. Yes!

- Ketchup! Relish!

00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:30,091

- Stop!

- Oh.

00:08:30,259 --> 00:08:31,259

[TONE PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

00:08:31,427 --> 00:08:34,638

Oh, time's up.

Well, Joey, you were, uh...

00:08:34,805 --> 00:08:37,265

...almost on a roll there, ha-ha-ha.

- Yeah.

00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:41,436

Gene, you'll have a chance to go to

the Winner's Circle, but now...

00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:46,399

...Henrietta, you're going to the Winner's

Circle to try your luck for $10,000...

00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:48,818

...right after this. Don't go away.

00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:51,279

And we're out.

00:08:51,572 --> 00:08:54,282

Oh, so we didn't win.

But it's fun to play the game, right?

00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:55,659

GENE:

Hey.

00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:59,621

I got a kid starting college.

I have to get surgery on my knee.

00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,498

You just lost me 10 grand.

00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:04,334

Oh, wow.

00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:08,547

I'm so sorry. Okay, I promise,

we'll do better next time.

00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:11,424

Well, I will, because I won't be

playing with you.

00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:14,761

Hey, some of those were pretty hard.

00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:18,223

Like, why would there be

a ghost in my fridge?

00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:21,726

Yeah.

00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:25,480

- So Saturday night?

- I'd love to.

00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:27,232

Great.

00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:32,404

So how come it took you so long

to ask me out?

00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,906

Oh, well, uh,

this is gonna sound kind of silly...

00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:38,076

...but do you remember

my roommate, Chandler Bing?

00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:40,620

Sure. He was in your "band."

00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:47,252

It's been 16 years,

but the air quotes still hurt. Heh.

00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,212

- Sorry.

- That's okay. Um, anyway...

00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:52,841

Ahem, well, he and I

both really liked you a lot, um...

00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:56,720

...but we didn't want it to jeopardize

our friendship, so we made a pact...

00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:59,347

...that neither of us could ask you out.

00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:02,267

- Really?

- Yeah, why?

00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:06,146

Well, Chandler and I used to make out.

00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:08,064

A lot.

00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:12,152

- You did?

- Yeah.

00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:16,531

- We'd go to the science lab after-hours.

- And on my turf?!

00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:23,330

Hey. Hey, where is this guy?

It's been over an hour.

00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:26,625

He's coming from Jersey.

He said he'd get here as fast as he could.

00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:28,043

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:29,878

- Who is it?

MAN: It's the police.

00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:32,422

- The police!

PHOEBE: Oh!

00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:34,924

[RACHEL GASPS]

[PHOEBE GIGGLES]

00:10:35,092 --> 00:10:38,678

MAN:

That's right. It's Officer Goodbody.

00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:41,848

What's the matter, officer?

Has someone been bad?

00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:52,942

[GOODBODY COUGHS]

00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:55,987

Whew, that's a lot of stairs.

00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:06,665

Oh, boy. You should warn people

there's no elevator.

00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:09,334

[GOODBODY GROANS]

00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:13,588

I should not have had

that Mexican food for lunch.

00:11:15,383 --> 00:11:17,801

- Oh.

- Are you gonna be okay, Officer, uh?

00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:21,054

- Goodbody.

- If you say so.

00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,850

So where's the young lady...

00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:30,605

...who I am supposed to take

downtown?

00:11:33,275 --> 00:11:35,151

Oh, God.

00:11:36,445 --> 00:11:39,781

All right. Somebody show me

where to plug in my box...

00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,658

...and we'll get this party started.

00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:42,951

Wah!

00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:46,955

- Over here?

MONICA: Yeah.

00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:49,290

GOODBODY: All right.

- Rachel?

00:11:50,292 --> 00:11:53,211

- Yeah?

- Um, are you kidding?

00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:56,673

We didn't know you wanted a stripper,

so we got the phone book...

00:11:56,841 --> 00:12:00,677

...and got the first name we could find.

- How old's your phone book?

00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:05,515

Oh, my God, this man is gonna

get naked in my apartment.

00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:08,560

God, no. I don't wanna see him

take his clothes off.

00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,687

Are you talking about me?

00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:13,523

Oh, no.

00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:18,236

I mean, obviously we wanna see you

take your clothes off.

00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,739

You big piece of eye candy.

00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:27,704

Okay. Okay, ladies,

can I have your attention, please?

00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,664

PHOEBE: Oh, yeah.

RACHEL: Oh.

00:12:32,376 --> 00:12:37,505

Did someone call

for the long arm of the law?

00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:44,262

I should warn you,

I have a concealed weapon.

00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:52,520

I hope you're familiar

with this state's penal code.

00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:57,066

Okay, okay. Enough teasing.

00:12:57,234 --> 00:13:00,361

Now for some pleasing.

00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:03,948

[SOFT CELL'S "TAINTED LOVE"

PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

00:13:08,245 --> 00:13:10,872

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:14,876

Sometimes I feel I've got to

00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:20,507

Run away

I've got to get away

00:13:20,674 --> 00:13:24,636

From the pain you drive

Into the heart of me

00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:28,473

The love we share

Seems to go

00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:29,891

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:31,684

She cringed.

00:13:32,686 --> 00:13:36,314

This is how I look when I'm turned on.

00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:40,068

You were talking about me before.

00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:43,780

Look, I don't need this. I'm out of here.

Where's my hat?

00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:48,743

Look, I've been in this business

for a long time.

00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:50,703

Shocking.

00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:55,792

Now, if you'll just pay me my $300,

I'll be on my way.

00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,962

- $300? Are you kidding?

- That's okay. Let me get my checkbook.

00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:01,464

You're not gonna pay him.

He didn't do anything.

00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:06,052

Didn't do anything? I took a bus

all the way from Hoboken.

00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:09,639

I climbed, I don't know,

like, a billion stairs.

00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:12,433

And it's not like I can

take them two at a time.

00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:18,773

I don't care.

We're not paying you $300 for this.

00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:21,651

It's not my fault if you're

too uptight to appreciate...

00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:24,737

...the male form in all its glory.

00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:28,700

Okay, I'm uptight. That's why I don't

wanna watch a middle-aged guy...

00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:33,788

...dance around in what I can only

assume is a child's Halloween costume.

00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:39,627

I may have borrowed this

from my nephew...

00:14:39,795 --> 00:14:44,966

...but let me assure you,

what's underneath is all man.

00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:48,136

I'm sorry, did you say "all man"

or "old man"?

00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:50,805

Whoa!

00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:53,057

You're mean.

00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:55,476

- Uh, look, uh, officer, um... Sir?

GOODBODY: Damn it.

00:14:55,644 --> 00:14:56,644

Listen.

00:14:56,812 --> 00:14:58,980

[SOBBING]

00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:02,859

Big surprise.

The hunk of beef has feelings.

00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:06,154

STAGE MANAGER:

Applause.

00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:07,363

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:10,658

Okay, Henrietta, you picked

"Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill."

00:15:10,826 --> 00:15:14,829

Oh. My friend Rachel has a kid.

I totally know nursery rhymes.

00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:19,208

Joey, describe these things associated

with the United States Congress.

00:15:22,421 --> 00:15:24,422

Give me 20 seconds

on the clock, please.

00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,883

Ready? Go.

00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:30,261

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING

OVER SPEAKERS]

00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:32,847

Uh... Uh...

00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:39,687

Pass.

00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:43,274

- Uh, the thing hanging in your throat.

- Uvula.

00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:45,443

Oh, then pass.

00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:46,653

Aw...

00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:49,864

Okay. Henrietta, you didn't get

all the points you needed...

00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:53,534

...so that means, Gene, you are going to

the Winner's Circle to try for $10,000.

00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,036

[AUDIENCE CHEERING

AND APPLAUDING]

00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:58,748

And you're gonna be

going there with Joey Tribbiani.

00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:04,087

You made out with Missy Goldberg?

00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:07,423

How could you do that

after you promised me?

00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,009

Excuse me.

00:16:10,886 --> 00:16:13,304

That didn't make us sound gay at all.

00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,599

- You broke the pact.

- Ross, that was 16 years ago.

00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:20,311

That doesn't matter. We're talking

about the foundation of our friendship.

00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:24,440

I believe the foundation of our friendship

was unfortunate hair.

00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:30,196

If we're really gonna do this, it's not

like you never broke one of the pacts.

00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:31,906

- I didn't.

- Oh, really?

00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:33,449

- No.

- Oh, really?

00:16:33,617 --> 00:16:35,243

- No!

- Adrienne Turner!

00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,078

Yes?

00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:39,414

[IN UNISON]

Hey, Adrienne.

00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:41,082

Hey.

00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:44,293

I never did anything

with Adrienne Turner.

00:16:44,461 --> 00:16:46,754

Oh, please. And you knew

how much I liked her.

00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:48,881

I don't know

what you're talking about.

00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:50,967

Really? Remember

that party freshman year?

00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:52,927

A week before Christmas vacation?

00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:54,095

I do.

00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:55,304

You had some visitors.

00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:58,599

[AFTER THE FIRE'S "DER KOMMISSAR"

PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,605

I can't believe we're

at a real college party.

00:17:04,773 --> 00:17:05,773

[RACHEL GIGGLING]

00:17:05,941 --> 00:17:08,276

I have to pee so bad.

00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:10,486

This is so awesome.

00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:13,031

College guys are so cute.

00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:15,575

- Hey, you've got a boyfriend.

- I know.

00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:19,620

But if a guy who looks like Corey Haim

wants to kiss me, I am so gonna let him.

00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:21,122

[CHUCKLES]

00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:25,001

Hey, look, there's Chandler.

00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:30,631

That stupid friend of Ross'

who said I was fat.

00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:33,801

- I've already lost four pounds.

- You can so totally tell.

00:17:33,969 --> 00:17:35,845

I know!

00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,640

Well, let's see,

maybe he knows where Ross is.

00:17:40,809 --> 00:17:42,643

Der Kommissar's in town, uh-oh

00:17:42,811 --> 00:17:44,771

Hey, how's it going?

00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:46,314

- Aren't you?

- Yeah, Rachel.

00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:50,318

And this is Ross' sister, Monica.

We met at Thanksgiving.

00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,612

Right. So how you doing?

00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,363

Bitchen.

00:17:55,365 --> 00:17:57,492

- Hi, Monica.

- Hi, Chandler.

00:17:57,659 --> 00:17:59,827

It's really nice to see you. Not!

00:17:59,995 --> 00:18:01,245

[MONICA SNORTS]

00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:03,122

[RACHEL GIGGLES]

00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:04,499

Okay.

00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,876

I'll see if I can find Ross.

00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:10,171

Oh, my God, Rach. Beanbag chairs.

00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:11,339

RACHEL:

Oh.

00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:15,051

Do not let me sit in one of those.

We'll be here for days.

00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:19,305

Don't turn around, uh-oh

00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:23,351

Listen, Adrienne,

you can't tell Chandler about this.

00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:27,814

Oh, believe me, Ross,

I won't be telling anybody about this.

00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:30,858

Cool.

00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:34,904

Don't turn around, uh-oh

00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,740

Der Kommissar's in town

00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:41,410

I didn't know you knew about that.

00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:44,205

Well, I did. And it hurt.

00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:48,000

That's when I wrote the song

"Betrayal in the Common Room."

00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:50,002

[SIGHS]

00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:52,755

Man, I'm sorry.

00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:56,342

Look, that was a long time ago.

00:18:56,510 --> 00:19:00,513

So, I made out with Adrienne,

and you made out with Missy.

00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:01,806

[ROSS CHUCKLES]

00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,349

Well, I guess we're even.

00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,853

CHANDLER:

Mm-hm.

00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:10,148

We are even, right?

00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:12,733

[CHANDLER SIGHS]

00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:17,071

One more thing. I was so pissed at you

that night, I wanted to get back at you.

00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:20,408

So I thought, "Who does Ross

like more than anybody?"

00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:25,788

What did you do to my mom?

00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:31,669

Not her.

00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:36,507

[LIPPS, INC.'S "FUNKYTOWN"

PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:42,138

Talk about it, talk about it

Talk about movin'

00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:47,101

Gotta move on

00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:49,145

I am so drunk.

00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:50,354

Gotta move on

00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:55,610

That's weird. I've had the same number

of beers as you and I don't feel anything.

00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:57,737

So you girls having fun?

00:19:57,946 --> 00:20:00,114

For your information, ass-munch...

00:20:00,949 --> 00:20:04,952

...I've lost four pounds.

Maybe even five with all the dancing.

00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:09,373

- Somebody order a pizza?

- Oh, that's me!

00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:12,793

Won't you take me to

Funkytown?

00:20:12,961 --> 00:20:16,964

I am so not gonna do good

on my SATs tomorrow.

00:20:17,841 --> 00:20:21,761

Well, maybe you could go to school here

next year and we could totally hang out.

00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:23,471

Oh, yeah. There's a plan.

00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:25,806

Why don't I just start taking

my smart pills now?

00:20:25,974 --> 00:20:27,058

[SCOFFS]

00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,894

Well, maybe you could get in

on a beauty scholarship.

00:20:30,103 --> 00:20:31,145

[CHUCKLES]

00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:32,939

What a line.

00:20:34,274 --> 00:20:35,942

[WHISPERS]

Oh, my God.

00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:40,071

- So where are you applying to?

- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Um, well...

00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:44,367

...I think it's kind of really important

that I go somewhere where there's sun.

00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:47,411

So I'm sort of... Hey!

00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:49,372

I'm in college and I'm in a band.

00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:52,083

Yeah, okay.

00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:56,128

Won't you take me to

Funkytown?

00:20:59,549 --> 00:21:04,136

What's the matter? You never saw

a 50-year-old stripper cry before?

00:21:06,181 --> 00:21:07,974

You know, it's fine. We'll pay you.

00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:11,352

No, no, you're right. Who am I kidding?

00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:15,231

I should have hung up

that breakaway jockstrap years ago.

00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:20,653

What am I gonna do? I mean...

00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:23,614

...this has been my life for 32 years.

00:21:23,782 --> 00:21:27,785

Taking my clothes off

in front of people is all I know.

00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:31,038

No, there's gotta be something else

that you can do.

00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:33,749

I mean, what skills do you have?

00:21:33,917 --> 00:21:35,793

I don't know.

00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:39,463

I can make my pecs dance.

00:21:43,677 --> 00:21:46,804

I can pick up a dollar bill

with my butt cheeks.

00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:53,311

I can go to that special place

inside me where I feel no shame.

00:21:55,230 --> 00:21:57,898

So maybe something in an office.

00:21:59,151 --> 00:22:01,610

Or you could...

You could teach stripping.

00:22:01,778 --> 00:22:05,406

You know, share your gift.

Pass the torch.

00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:09,869

You know, actually,

that's not a bad idea.

00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:14,415

I could do it out of my apartment.

I don't think my mom would mind.

00:22:15,375 --> 00:22:18,127

There you go. Okay.

You think you're gonna be okay?

00:22:18,295 --> 00:22:20,338

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.

00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:22,757

This is so weird.

00:22:22,924 --> 00:22:25,343

You never know when it's gonna be

your last dance.

00:22:26,803 --> 00:22:29,764

And I didn't even get a chance

to finish it.

00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:34,852

Finish it.

00:22:36,605 --> 00:22:39,982

- What?

- Your last dance. Do it for us.

00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:43,861

- Really?

- Really?

00:22:45,405 --> 00:22:50,284

Yeah. Yeah, he deserves to do

the thing he loves one last time.

00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:54,330

Okay. All right. Get ready, ladies.

00:22:54,498 --> 00:22:55,581

Okay.

00:22:55,749 --> 00:22:58,876

[SYLVESTER'S "YOU MAKE ME FEEL

MIGHTY REAL" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

00:23:04,049 --> 00:23:07,385

Whoa, you make me feel

00:23:07,552 --> 00:23:08,552

Whoo!

00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,097

Mighty real

00:23:11,848 --> 00:23:14,558

You make me feel

00:23:15,769 --> 00:23:18,312

Mighty real

00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:23,943

[WOMEN CHEERING]

00:23:28,990 --> 00:23:30,908

Oh, this is so hot!

00:23:34,204 --> 00:23:35,413

[GOODBODY PANTING]

00:23:35,831 --> 00:23:38,040

Oh, no, no, no, don't stop.

00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:40,376

- Have to.

- Oh.

00:23:41,002 --> 00:23:42,837

I feel real

00:23:43,004 --> 00:23:44,171

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

00:23:44,339 --> 00:23:47,174

Welcome to the Winner's Circle.

Joey, Gene, you guys ready?

00:23:47,342 --> 00:23:49,343

- Yeah.

- Sure.

00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:53,180

Okay. Uh, give me 60 seconds

on the clock, please.

00:23:53,348 --> 00:23:55,808

Ready? Go.

00:23:56,977 --> 00:23:59,979

Oak. Maple. Elm. Birch.

00:24:00,188 --> 00:24:02,022

Uh, I don't know. Types of trees?

00:24:02,274 --> 00:24:04,316

[CHIME PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

00:24:04,484 --> 00:24:06,193

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

00:24:06,361 --> 00:24:08,320

Enchilada.

00:24:08,488 --> 00:24:10,489

Oh, I'm so sorry,

I don't know any Spanish words.

00:24:10,657 --> 00:24:12,324

[CHIME PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

00:24:12,492 --> 00:24:13,534

Wow.

00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:15,202

A match. A candle.

00:24:15,370 --> 00:24:17,371

Things that go "tss"

when you put them out.

00:24:17,539 --> 00:24:19,748

- A torch. A bonfire.

- Uh, I...

00:24:19,916 --> 00:24:21,876

- Uh, your pee.

- Things that burn.

00:24:22,043 --> 00:24:24,545

[CHIME PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

00:24:24,713 --> 00:24:27,381

"I'd like to go for a walk."

Uh, "scratch my belly."

00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:29,550

Dude. Dude, I think you're losing it.

00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:31,552

Uh, "I have fur." Uh, "I like to bark."

00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:33,179

Oh, oh, oh! What a dog says.

00:24:33,346 --> 00:24:34,388

[CHIME PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:36,515

- Uh, pepperoni.

- Pizza toppings! Next!

00:24:36,683 --> 00:24:38,225

[CHIME PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

00:24:38,393 --> 00:24:41,896

Cindy Crawford. Uh, Christie Brinkley.

Heidi Klum. Claudia Schiffer.

00:24:42,063 --> 00:24:43,522

Oh, oh, oh. Uh...

00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:46,066

Christy Turlington. Uh, Kate Moss.

00:24:46,234 --> 00:24:47,526

Girls Chandler could never get?

00:24:47,694 --> 00:24:49,069

[TONE PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

00:24:49,237 --> 00:24:50,821

- Supermodels.

- Where?

00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:57,369

Hey. Where's Rachel?

00:24:57,746 --> 00:25:00,623

She and Phoebe took the stripper

to the hospital.

00:25:02,542 --> 00:25:04,793

Did you know Chandler kissed Rachel?

00:25:04,961 --> 00:25:07,087

What? When was this?

00:25:07,255 --> 00:25:11,091

1987. The weekend you guys

visited me at school.

00:25:11,259 --> 00:25:14,762

- Oh, my God. That's wild.

- But it was, like, a million years ago.

00:25:14,971 --> 00:25:16,764

- It doesn't matter.

- It matters to me.

00:25:16,932 --> 00:25:19,099

- Why?

- Because the night you kissed Rachel...

00:25:19,267 --> 00:25:22,353

...was the night I kissed Rachel

for the very first time.

00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:26,190

- You kissed her that night too?

- Two guys in one night?

00:25:26,358 --> 00:25:30,444

Wow, I thought she became a slut

after she got her nose fixed. Wow.

00:25:31,112 --> 00:25:33,239

- Seriously, where did this happen?

- Okay...

00:25:33,406 --> 00:25:35,950

...after you told me she was

passed out in our room...

00:25:36,117 --> 00:25:38,702

...I went in there to make sure

she was all right.

00:25:38,870 --> 00:25:42,414

She was lying on my bed,

all buried in people's coats.

00:25:42,582 --> 00:25:44,458

I went to kiss her on the forehead...

00:25:44,626 --> 00:25:47,086

...but it was so dark,

I accidentally got her lips.

00:25:47,254 --> 00:25:51,006

I started to pull away, but then

I felt her start to kiss me back.

00:25:51,174 --> 00:25:54,343

It was only for a second,

but it was amazing.

00:25:54,511 --> 00:25:57,805

And now I find out

that you kissed her first.

00:25:58,014 --> 00:26:01,141

- Wait, what bed did you say she was on?

- Mine.

00:26:01,309 --> 00:26:04,645

- I'm sure I put her on my bed.

- No, she was definitely on my bed.

00:26:04,813 --> 00:26:08,399

Why would I kiss a girl

and then put her on your bed?

00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:10,067

Well, then who was on my bed?

00:26:10,277 --> 00:26:12,903

Oh! Oh! Oh!

00:26:14,030 --> 00:26:15,823

No! No! No!

00:26:16,032 --> 00:26:18,450

Yes!

00:26:18,618 --> 00:26:23,038

- You were under the pile of coats?

- I was the pile of coats!

00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:28,544

Oh, my God!

00:26:29,045 --> 00:26:32,548

You were my midnight mystery kisser?!

00:26:33,633 --> 00:26:36,343

You were my first kiss with Rachel?!

00:26:37,554 --> 00:26:40,097

You were my first kiss ever?!

00:26:42,642 --> 00:26:45,102

What did I marry into?!

00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:54,486

[THE TRAMMPS' "DISCO INFERNO"

PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

00:27:06,916 --> 00:27:10,044

[FINGERS SNAPPING]

00:27:19,554 --> 00:27:20,888

Aw, crap!

00:27:21,056 --> 00:27:22,931

Burn, baby, burn

00:27:24,726 --> 00:27:26,727

[English - US - SDH]